DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Bound and Gagged in Pennsylvania" would have been considered correct in the past. As a retired police captain, I would have given similar advice years ago. However, today, with information gained primarily from carjackings, as well as situations like the armed robbery described in your column, advice has changed.

Too often, victims (particularly children) who permit themselves to be tied up or abducted are assaulted or killed. The robber in the letter from "Bound and Gagged" had permitted the women to see his face. That's a cue that he may not have intended to leave them alive.

Every case is different, but perhaps the woman could have taken the opportunity when the girl struck out to attempt an escape or to raise an alarm. You have to play any incident as you see it, but we no longer advise people to just give in. -- BILL P. IN MINNESOTA

DEAR BILL P.: Thank you for writing. A number of readers took exception to my answer, and their opinions deserve to be aired. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a former police officer, I feel you did a disservice in judging the young robbery victim's reaction to the threat as wrong. It seems clear to me that she was acting on her strong instincts of self-preservation. I would be loath to characterize her response as improper. In fact, I think she displayed tremendous courage.

That robber had given neither woman any reason to trust him. There have been numerous instances in which victims were bound and gagged prior to being shot in the back of the head, execution-style, for no other reason than to prevent witnesses.

I would never suggest that anyone fight an armed attacker over mere money. However, when the attacker demands that you trust him with your bound-and-gagged life, I'd say the decision to fight or submit must be left with the person threatened. -- STEPHANIE M., BREMEN, OHIO

DEAR STEPHANIE: I bow to your expertise. You have witnessed violence and its aftermath more than I.

DEAR ABBY: Remember Flight 93 on 9/11? If the passengers on that plane had taken your advice, the plane would have either crashed into the White House or the Capitol. And remember the shoe bomber? If those passengers had taken your advice, they all would have died. Remember the advice they used to give to women who were about to be raped? "Don't fight back; you might get hurt." Wrong! You usually get hurt anyway, often killed after being tortured. -- BILL M., GARRISON, MONT.

DEAR BILL M.: In the cases you have cited, the choice was clear-cut -- fight or die. Not every situation is this way. How does one know when to take the risk?

DEAR ABBY: In the past, I let people harm me because I was told it was "safer" than fighting back. I now know otherwise. One determined woman can easily overpower a man, let alone two determined women! You were correct in terms of encouraging them to take self-defense classes. Many of the students, myself included, have found self-defense training has helped us to become more assertive in many other areas of our lives. I'll leave you with a favorite saying I was taught in self-defense class: It's not the size of the woman in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the woman! -- GISELE IN BERKELEY

DEAR GISELE: I agree that knowledge is power and that includes how to defend oneself. Sadly, although I was raised with the principle that violence is wrong, in instances like this, I now realize that it may be necessary to fight for one's life in order to save it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Diana," is a successful interior designer. Her son, "Brent," and I just moved into a new home, and she can't wait to visit. In the past, this has meant days of listening to Diana's endless suggestions about all of the "wonderful things we can do" with "our" new home. Brent is no help when it comes to shutting her off.

I'm anxious about Diana's visit because she ignores my hints that she keep her ideas to herself. Am I being mean-spirited? Her ideas are usually not in keeping with our style or budget.

How should we handle it when she offers a house-warming gift -- like lawn furniture -- and insists on "helping" us pick it out? Diana visits so often that we can't accept something and not use it.

Abby, this has gone on for 13 years. I love her in so many other ways, but this makes me feel like an ungrateful daughter-in-law. Please help. -- ANXIOUS IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ANXIOUS: Since Diana is an interior designer by profession, she could be verbalizing her ideas out of force of habit. Once the ideas start flowing, it can be hard to shut off the tap. Rather than becoming defensive when Diana starts offering suggestions, simply tell her that you will "keep them in mind" or "give them some thought." It's not insulting, nor does it commit you in any way.

If she offers a house-warming gift, remind her that her tastes and yours are not always in sync -- and let her know what YOU have in mind. After all, you will have to live with the results. As a professional, she can respect that -- and with her resources, she can show you things you might never have dreamed were available.

DEAR ABBY: Four months ago, my husband sent his 22-year-old daughter a check for a special occasion. She still hasn't cashed it. She insists if she cashes it, the money will be spent on groceries and rent instead of something special.

My mother always told me it was rude not to cash a check from someone immediately, because otherwise the sender had to deal with it every month when trying to balance his or her checkbook. My husband says I am picking on her. Am I old-fashioned? -- "WICKED" STEPMOM IN COLORADO

DEAR STEPMOM: Here in California, if a check isn't cashed within a certain time, it's considered invalid. However, since your husband has accused you of sniping at his daughter, and he doesn't seem to mind the inconvenience caused by his daughter's outstanding check, it's time to halt the helpful criticism and examine your motives.

DEAR ABBY: I recently introduced my 31-year-old son and his ladyfriend of three years as my son "Ian" and his friend "Lisa." Lisa took offense and said I should have introduced them as Ian and his GIRLFRIEND Lisa.

Since they are not married or engaged, was I correct in my introduction? -- IAN'S MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Technically, perhaps. However, since your son and Lisa have been an item for three years, it would have been more accurate to have introduced her as his girlfriend. It appears your offhand introduction struck a nerve, but it may be because she's sensitive about that subject.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have seen letters in your column on signs of a cheating spouse. Allow me to offer a word of caution. The "guilty" husband or wife could very well be innocent.

A year and a half ago, I began working out at a nearby gym during my lunch hour. My wife, "Connie," and I were both overweight when I started my exercise program. I ended up losing 55 pounds.

During this time, Connie was still gaining. When she'd complain about her weight, I tried to be supportive and reassure her that she was still attractive to me, but said that I was worried about her health. Connie knew I had the same concerns about my own health, and that's why I was trying to get into shape. Once I started, I discovered I enjoyed my exercise routine, including the hour a day I had to myself. (I work a 40-hour week, and spend every other available moment with my wife and three young sons.)

After my weight came down, I needed new clothes and rewarded myself with a new wardrobe. Around the same time, I shaved off my beard and began sporting a new, shorter haircut that made me look years younger. I felt like a new man.

Connie became convinced I was having an affair and went out and had an affair of her own. Suddenly, my wife wanted to go "work out" or "go shopping" two or three evenings a week. I eagerly volunteered to watch our boys so Connie could enjoy the time to herself. Little did I know she was driving an hour out of state to have sex with a guy she met on the Internet. I was devastated when I found out. Connie told me she thought the reason I had been so accommodating was because I was cheating, so she was fighting fire with fire.

We are now in the process of divorce, and Connie is in therapy. The guy she was seeing is married with four children -- so now, two marriages are messed up. Please share my story with your readers, Abby. It CAN happen. -- LOST WEIGHT AND A WIFE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR LOST: How sad. As your experience proves, people who fight fire with fire usually wind up with ashes. Your wife's self-esteem was so low, she assumed you had found someone more attractive. How much sorrow could have been avoided had she discussed her fears with you.

DEAR ABBY: I am in the California National Guard. Last year I was activated and sent to Iraq. My wife has not written to me since last November. It takes me up to three weeks to get her on the phone because she wants to run around with her friends.

All I know is that I am married, and she's acting as if I don't count, only her friends do. How can I make her understand how much she is hurting me by ignoring me while I'm over here fighting? -- HEARTBROKEN SOLDIER IN IRAQ

DEAR HEARTBROKEN SOLDIER: If the woman you married is of normal intelligence, I'm sure she already knows it. It appears you have married someone who is either extremely immature or without priorities or conscience. Spouses promise to support each other in good times and in bad -- and as a military wife, her first objective should be to reassure her husband whose life is on the line every day he's away.

OperationDearAbby.net has now received more than 17 million messages of support for members of the military stationed worldwide. If you haven't already done so, please check it out. Although the one message you would most like to read isn't on it, I'm sure it will comfort you to know how many patriotic Americans have you in their hearts, and pray for your safe return.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: "Never lose hope in your dreams. For without dreams, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." (Langston Hughes) -- Submitted by Arthur H. Prince, Memphis

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)