DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Curly in Chesterfield, Mo.," who asked for guidelines on tipping hairdressers who rent their stations and keep 100 percent of the fees they charge. "Curly" was of the opinion that tipping is only for people who work on commission.

You correctly advised her to ask her hairdresser if tips are accepted -- and advised her that the usual amount is 15 to 20 percent of the bill.

Speaking as a hairstylist for the last 20 years, I cannot believe the number of people who don't know how to tip. Whether the stylist is an owner, manager or just a hairstylist, that person is still giving the customer a service. Many of my clients give more than that, and some still give nothing.

People should remember that when they give a tip, they are saying, "Thank you." -- STYLIST IN WISCONSIN

DEAR STYLIST: Not everyone agrees. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your reply to "Curly." My hairdresser rents her station from the salon owner. She sets her own prices and hours. I typically pay her $100 for a cut, style and highlights, which takes her about 2 1/2 hours. The woman makes more per hour than I do, at a business she basically owns!

I only tip people who work for someone and earn minimum wage. I don't tip restaurant owners, and they don't expect it. They want my return business. -- RENE IN SAN PEDRO

DEAR RENE: And that's your privilege. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a self-employed hairstylist, and I'd like to respond to "Curly." We may take home 100 percent of our fees, but after we pay for rent, supplies, taxes and the salary of our shampoo girls, we keep only about 50 percent of what we make. I would love not to depend on tips, but in the town where I live, hairstylists can't command large fees. I am very grateful for my clients' generosity. -- M. IN VIRGINIA

DEAR M.: You are not the only person who wanted to explain the financial facts of life regarding the beauty business. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you so much for your response to "Curly." Customers think that because we pay rent, we pocket all our income. Wrong! People don't realize that on top of the rent we pay, we must also purchase all of our own tools, chemicals and products. Our scissors alone cost at least $150 -- most of the time more. When they need sharpening, it costs $25. We have no benefits. We must pay for 100 percent of our insurance. If our kids get sick and we can't work -- we don't get paid. We are considered self-employed, so we pay all of our Social Security. (When you are employed by someone else, the employer pays half.) When a customer stands us up, we are not only out the money, but we are also out the time we allocated for that customer.

It is amazing to me how those who have the most money are the stingiest tippers -- and the people who have little are so generous! I feel that when you treat customers with love and cater to their needs, a tip is their response to how well we are doing our job. -- MISS TRESS IN KANKAKEE, ILL.

DEAR MISS TRESS: And so do I.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am fluent in French and English. I want my daughter, "Chantal," to speak both languages. I am in a relationship with a man ("Clark") who has three children who live with him full time. I am wondering if speaking French to Chantal in front of Clark and his children is rude. My daughter's first language is French, and I have always conversed with her in French.

This has been a point of contention for some time now. I have asked Clark to make an effort to learn French, but he has no desire to, nor do his children.

There is a "closeness" factor, I believe, in sharing my mother tongue (my mother is French, my father American) with my daughter, and I would like to carry it down the generations. Clark says I can talk to Chantal in French when we're alone, but that wouldn't be often. What do you think? Is this worth ending the relationship? -- FRANCO-FILLE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR FILLE: It's interesting that you have framed your question in black-and-white. Surely your daughter can remain fluent in French without excluding Clark and his children from your conversations. If you love him and care about his children's feelings, you can enroll your daughter in French language and literature classes, and send her to visit her French-speaking grandmother, and -- if it's affordable -- take her someplace where French is the dominant language for a vacation. (If Clark and his children went along, it might inspire them to learn.) This, in addition to spending one-on-one time with your daughter, would keep her French from getting rusty, without sacrificing a relationship with someone you care about.

P.S. Even if you end the relationship, there is no guarantee that your daughter would continue to pass her French along to her own children.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, "Misty," is now dating my father (who is still married to my mom, but separated). Mom blames me. She says it's all my fault because I brought Misty into the family. We have two kids. What can I do to get past all the hurt and pain? I'm depressed all the time, and it has reached the point that it is affecting my work and everyone around me. Please help. -- DESTROYED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR DESTROYED: Two selfish people decided their passions could not be denied, and innocent bystanders -- in this case you and your mother -- have been devastated. Your father's misbehavior and your wife's was not your fault. Your mother blames you because she is unable to project her anger where it really belongs, which is on your father.

Both you and your mom could use counseling to work through this soap opera. Please take my advice and waste no time in seeking a referral -- perhaps to a therapist with two couches, since you and your mother are suffering from the same problem.

DEAR ABBY: A young woman I know is dealing with the death of her twin sister, the result of a tragic accident. Although she continues to "work through" her grief with her family and other siblings, she would like to be able to talk to another surviving twin for help in coping with her pain.

Is there a support group for twins who have lost their twin? Any information would be appreciated. -- WANTS TO HELP IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS: Have I got a group for her! It's Twinless Twins Support Group International. Founded in 1985, it offers support for twins who have lost their twin (or other multiple), as well as information and referrals, phone support, conferences and more. Your grieving friend can contact the group by writing: Twinless Twins Support Group, P.O. Box 980481, Ypsilanti, MI 48198-0481, or visit the Web site, www.twinlesstwins.org.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman, "Uneasy About My Daughter," who was concerned that her husband might be acting inappropriately with her 11-year-old daughter. She went on to describe her husband sitting on the toilet and eating his dinner every night while the girl took her bath, and also stroking the girl's backside to lull her to sleep at bedtime.

You advised "Uneasy" that her husband's behavior was inappropriate and urged her to discuss the situation with the girl's pediatrician. You said the husband might back off if he heard from the doctor that what he was doing was wrong -- and that the doctor should report the man if he refused to stop.

Abby, I think you threw gas on the fire without knowing more about that mother's concerns. Why is the husband eating his dinner while the daughter takes her bath? Does he get home late, after the rest of the family has eaten? How developed is the girl? My 11-year-old girl looks like she's 8! Is the father really rubbing the girl's bottom -- or her back? A back rub isn't inappropriate.

Eleven is a weird age. The girls aren't women, but they aren't small children either. My 11-year-old thinks nothing of jumping into the tub when I'm bathing my 3-year-old. She also does it when my husband is bathing our son.

If "Uneasy" feels the way she does, why doesn't she have her daughter take her bath earlier? -- TRUSTS MY HUSBAND IN TUCSON

DEAR TRUSTS: That's a good question. However, she wrote to me because she has a sixth sense that's telling her something is wrong. And she should listen to that sixth sense and act on it. After I printed that letter, the volume of mail I received from survivors of child sexual abuse curled my hair. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: As a child, I was sexually abused by my father, a "pinnacle of the community." I still bear the emotional scars. What "Uneasy's" husband is doing is called "confusing touch" and is very likely a precursor to outright abuse. By confusing the daughter into thinking his behavior is OK, the father opens the door for behavior that isn't. "Uneasy" must get help for her daughter so the girl can learn how to set boundaries and define appropriate touch.

Parents have a responsibility to their children to protect them from sexual abuse by family members, friends or others. -- BEEN THERE IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR BEEN THERE: I was taken aback by the number of first-person testimonials I received describing similar experiences.

DEAR ABBY: I am a detective specializing in crimes against children in a central Florida sheriff's department. If the father acts this way when he is being observed, I can only imagine what goes on when the mother isn't present. The fact that the mother referred to the man as "my husband," not as the girl's father, raises more red flags.

Had this been reported to me in my jurisdiction, I believe I would have probable cause for an arrest on charges of lewd and lascivious molestation.

"Uneasy" should contact local law enforcement and child welfare agencies and report her husband. If she doesn't, she could be charged with failure to protect her child. -- FLORIDA DETECTIVE

DEAR DETECTIVE: Several other members of law enforcement around the country offered similar sentiments. However, pediatricians are mandated to report child abuse if there is evidence -- and that is why I recommended the mother first talk to her child's physician.

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