DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman, "Uneasy About My Daughter," who was concerned that her husband might be acting inappropriately with her 11-year-old daughter. She went on to describe her husband sitting on the toilet and eating his dinner every night while the girl took her bath, and also stroking the girl's backside to lull her to sleep at bedtime.

You advised "Uneasy" that her husband's behavior was inappropriate and urged her to discuss the situation with the girl's pediatrician. You said the husband might back off if he heard from the doctor that what he was doing was wrong -- and that the doctor should report the man if he refused to stop.

Abby, I think you threw gas on the fire without knowing more about that mother's concerns. Why is the husband eating his dinner while the daughter takes her bath? Does he get home late, after the rest of the family has eaten? How developed is the girl? My 11-year-old girl looks like she's 8! Is the father really rubbing the girl's bottom -- or her back? A back rub isn't inappropriate.

Eleven is a weird age. The girls aren't women, but they aren't small children either. My 11-year-old thinks nothing of jumping into the tub when I'm bathing my 3-year-old. She also does it when my husband is bathing our son.

If "Uneasy" feels the way she does, why doesn't she have her daughter take her bath earlier? -- TRUSTS MY HUSBAND IN TUCSON

DEAR TRUSTS: That's a good question. However, she wrote to me because she has a sixth sense that's telling her something is wrong. And she should listen to that sixth sense and act on it. After I printed that letter, the volume of mail I received from survivors of child sexual abuse curled my hair. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: As a child, I was sexually abused by my father, a "pinnacle of the community." I still bear the emotional scars. What "Uneasy's" husband is doing is called "confusing touch" and is very likely a precursor to outright abuse. By confusing the daughter into thinking his behavior is OK, the father opens the door for behavior that isn't. "Uneasy" must get help for her daughter so the girl can learn how to set boundaries and define appropriate touch.

Parents have a responsibility to their children to protect them from sexual abuse by family members, friends or others. -- BEEN THERE IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR BEEN THERE: I was taken aback by the number of first-person testimonials I received describing similar experiences.

DEAR ABBY: I am a detective specializing in crimes against children in a central Florida sheriff's department. If the father acts this way when he is being observed, I can only imagine what goes on when the mother isn't present. The fact that the mother referred to the man as "my husband," not as the girl's father, raises more red flags.

Had this been reported to me in my jurisdiction, I believe I would have probable cause for an arrest on charges of lewd and lascivious molestation.

"Uneasy" should contact local law enforcement and child welfare agencies and report her husband. If she doesn't, she could be charged with failure to protect her child. -- FLORIDA DETECTIVE

DEAR DETECTIVE: Several other members of law enforcement around the country offered similar sentiments. However, pediatricians are mandated to report child abuse if there is evidence -- and that is why I recommended the mother first talk to her child's physician.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Will," is married with three beautiful children. One evening a few weeks ago, I baby-sat my grandchildren at their house. A strange car kept stopping in front of the house, and when I went to the window, it would drive off.

Will and his wife, "Eve," both work. He returned before she did, and I left. However, I was suspicious, so I drove up the street and parked in a dark area. A few minutes later, the car pulled up again, and my son ran out of the house and got into the car. I drove slowly by the car and saw my son and a strange woman talking.

Should I tell Eve what I saw? A few people have told me to butt out. I strongly suspect that he is having an affair with this woman. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOM IN MISSOURI

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Talk to your son. Give him a chance to explain. Warn him about how much he has to lose if he is involved with another woman or doing something illegal. But do NOT carry tales to your daughter-in-law without first talking to your son -- if then.

DEAR ABBY: About four years ago, a woman I know, "Cathy," gave me a beautiful matching ring and bracelet. She told me at the time that she couldn't wear them because they were too small. Cathy said she knew I loved jewelry and wanted me to have the set because she didn't know anyone else who would enjoy it as much as I would. I accepted the items and wear them frequently. I love them.

Cathy has since had gastric bypass surgery and lost nearly 150 pounds. She recently came into the office where I work and told me that since she has lost so much weight, she wants the jewelry back as she can now wear it.

Should I return the ring and bracelet? -- UNDECIDED IN ALABAMA

DEAR UNDECIDED: Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as she (or he) wishes. The question you must ask yourself is, which is worth more to you -- the friendship or the jewelry? Only you can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: Referring to the woman who is receiving checks from her elderly Aunt Millie, I would suggest that she contact Millie's children or someone who is involved in her day-to-day life before cashing them. Aunt Millie may not remember that she has already sent a check, or she may be arbitrarily sending checks to numerous people and charities.

Someone closer may be able to tell the writer to relax, enjoy the money and just thank Aunt Millie, or appreciate being alerted to monitor her checkbook and keep an eye out for other problems that may need to be addressed.

Gift-giving is often a way of staying in touch or seeking more contact. The niece and her children might write, call or visit Aunt Millie more often and give her the gift of their time. -- SYBLE SOLOMON, GERONTOLOGY DEPARTMENT, UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA AT GREENSBORO

DEAR SYBLE: Thank you for pointing out that what I considered to be generosity might instead be a sign of dementia in Aunt Millie. If you are correct, contacting someone close to her could avert a big mess.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I met "Monique" six years ago and immediately fell hard for her. We dated for about a month. At the time she was also seeing someone else. Then one night Monique called me and said she was only going to date one guy, and it wasn't me.

Three and a half years later, she called me out of the blue and said she wanted to see me again. I was thrilled. We dated for a month; then Monique told me she didn't want to have a relationship. I was hurt again.

Seven months later my phone rang. It was Monique saying she wanted to see me. She came over and said we should get married because her daughters need to live in a better neighborhood. She now says it was a "crazy" thing for her to say, because it started our "third relationship" off on a bad note with me wondering if she loves me or my house.

It has now been more than a year. Monique says she loves me and wants commitment. She is 30 and has been divorced three times. I love her, but the way she treated me in the past makes me question whether I should trust her. Should I throw caution to the wind and propose anyway? -- CRAZY ABOUT HER IN MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR CRAZY ABOUT HER: No. Pay attention to your misgivings. They are the voice of your intuition trying to warn you. If you are determined to marry her, do not propose without first having consulted a lawyer and drafting a prenuptial agreement. It won't save you from the risk of heartache, but it could save you from economic disaster later on.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s. My wife and I live in a house across the street from two middle-aged ladies. Recently some limbs from one of their trees fell onto their lawn, so I went into their yard to remove them. Rather than welcoming my help, they were upset that I went into their yard without being invited.

Abby, I was raised to help ladies, especially those living alone. I was taught that when help was needed to fix a flat tire or to do some heavy lifting, to step forward without being asked. Has the world changed so much that I was off base in doing this?

Your comments would be appreciated. We live in a small neighborhood where most people help each other and get along well. However, their reactions really bothered me. -- HURT NEIGHBOR, COWETA, OKLA.

DEAR HURT NEIGHBOR: You weren't off base; you are a gentleman of the old school. Your neighbors, however, may have been raised to be independent and not to rely on a man's help for anything.

Feeling as they do, they should have posted a "No Trespassing" sign on their property. However, now that you know how they feel about their "turf," don't go into their yard unless invited -- if then.

DEAR ABBY: I have a short-sleeved red "church" dress. What color shoes should I wear with it? It's almost impossible to find a red shoe that matches. Should I wear black or tan/taupe? -- KIMMIE IN AUBURN, ALA.

DEAR KIMMIE: During the spring and summer, accessorizing with tan or white would be attractive. In the winter, accessorizing with black would be acceptable. Or take your dress to your shoe repair shop and ask if a pair of your shoes could be dyed to match it. (I have done it and was very pleased with the results.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a short-sleeved red "church" dress. What color shoes should I wear with it? It's almost impossible to find a red shoe that matches. Should I wear black or tan/taupe? -- KIMMIE IN AUBURN, ALA.

DEAR KIMMIE: During the spring and summer, accessorizing with tan or white would be attractive. In the winter, accessorizing with black would be acceptable. Or take your dress to your shoe repair shop and ask if a pair of your shoes could be dyed to match it. (I have done it and was very pleased with the results.)