DEAR ABBY: Last week I kicked my husband out of the house. "Joel" and I have been married four years and have a 3-year-old son.

Two years ago, Joel took up with "Connie," a 20-year-old single co-worker. He insisted they were just friends. When I found love letters from Connie in his wallet, Joel swore the letters were not from her. (Oh, come on!)

Things got messy when I started checking my husband's cell phone bill and discovered he was calling Connie several times a day. Upon checking further, I learned that some of his co-workers also thought something was up.

When Joel learned I'd been asking questions, he became very angry. Then Connie started calling him at the house at all hours. Once, around midnight, she got into a tangle with some guy and instead of calling police, she called Joel -- who rushed right over.

Since then I have caught Joel in more lies about where he was going. I have also caught my husband and his "friend" parked in empty parking lots and dead-end streets.

He says he doesn't want a divorce, but every time we talk, we end up fighting because he tries to twist the facts around to make me look like a fishwife.

Should I wait it out to see if Joel will come home to his son and me? Or should I cut him off, divorce him, and pray that God will send me a man who will give me the respect and love I deserve? -- SPURNED WIFE IN TEXAS

DEAR SPURNED: Your husband appears to be a remorseless manipulator. Even if you reconcile, what kind of example would he be for your son as he grows older? And could you ever trust him again?

You have asked me to make a decision for you that only you should make. Counseling can help you to determine what you want and need to do. Some marriages can be saved, but only if both parties are willing to work at it, and your husband appears to be unwilling or unable to end his affair.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two daughters, 2 and 4. I love them with all my heart, but I'm afraid my yelling is affecting them. I can't control it, and when I do it, I frighten them. They cover their bodies and start to cry. I have never hit either of them.

This is causing huge fights with their father. He is very involved with them, and he sometimes yells but they don't react the same way.

I feel like a bad mother and monster. What can I do to stop myself from losing my temper and have a better relationship with my daughters? I'm afraid I'll hurt them. -- FEARFUL IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FEARFUL: The first thing you must do is get to the bottom of what's triggering your anger. Is this how you were treated as a child? If so, you should know firsthand how damaging verbal abuse can be. Are your expectations of your little ones unrealistic? If that's the case, parenting classes could be helpful. Many school districts and hospitals offer them.

In the meantime, when you feel you're about to blow your stack, leave the room. If necessary, go outside for a few minutes. Count to 10 -- slowly. Decompress. Get a grip. Once you have calmed down, you'll be better able to act in an adult and rational manner, rather than react.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Desperate in Kansas," about uninvited guests showing up to use their new swimming pool, I had to write.

Here's how my wife and I solved the problem when neighborhood children started showing up at all hours. First, we decided that rules would have to be set -- and enforced.

We began by having a sturdy fence and locked wrought-iron gates installed around the pool area. Then we increased the homeowner's liability limits on our insurance. We asked our attorney to draw up a "liability waiver" to be signed by the parents of the children in our neighborhood and returned to us personally by the parent or guardian. If there was no signed waiver, the child was not permitted to swim.

We allocated two evenings a week, between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., when the neighbors' children were welcome to use our pool. These were evenings when my wife and I would be home to sit on the patio and watch and referee the children. No swimming would be permitted at any other time unless by special invitation.

"Desperate" should try our method. Her neighbors will respect her for it. -- EXPERIENCED IN YUMA, ARIZ.

DEAR EXPERIENCED: Consider yourself fortunate that your neighbors abided by your rules. Since I printed that letter, I have heard some horror stories. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: You suggested that "Desperate in Kansas" put a stop to the drop-ins by becoming assertive, installing a flagpole or signs to indicate when the pool was open, increasing the amount of homeowner insurance, and suggesting the pool be fenced. I don't think you went far enough.

When I was in college, part of a constitutional law course I took covered the subject of torts and liability. One particular case we studied stands out in my memory. It involved a family whose swimming pool was surrounded by a 6-foot-high locked fence. While the family was away on vacation, several youths scaled the fence and went swimming. Unfortunately, one drowned, and the owners of the pool were convicted of negligent homicide!

The ruling stated that the owners of the pool should have contacted each neighbor and informed them of their plans because a pool is considered an "attractive nuisance." I would urge "Desperate" to contact an attorney who can advise her about local law and liability. At the very least, she should place a "No Trespassing" sign on the lawn, install a locked fence, and send a card to the neighbors explaining the rules.

The cost of these measures is minuscule compared to a potential liability suit. -- CHRIS IN PELHAM, ALA.

DEAR CHRIS: Thank you for the warning. One of my readers sat on a jury for a wrongful death suit with similar circumstances and urged me to inform "Desperate" as well as other pool owners that uninvited children using a swimming pool without permission or parental supervision should be reported to the police for trespassing. Better to have it on record than to risk being held liable for an accident.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "How many people on Earth serve people? And how many people on Earth serve the Earth? The difference in the numbers must be enormous. It would reveal that the Earth is definitely not the primary concern of the human species. This might be fatal both to the Earth and to humanity. Please, leaders of the Earth and the nations, wake up to this potentially fatal disparity." -- ROBERT MULLER

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last year, you kindly published a letter from Dr. Deborah Wexler of the Immunization Action Coalition highlighting the importance of influenza immunization. Thanks in part to your efforts, record numbers of people were vaccinated early in the 2003-2004 season. Your letter could not have appeared at a better time, because the United States experienced an early flu season and children were severely impacted. By mid-December, 42 influenza-related deaths were reported in children under 18 years of age, half of them in children younger than 4.

Children between the ages of 6 months to 23 months remain especially vulnerable to complications from influenza infection. This year, the influenza vaccine is recommended for all children between 6 months and 23 months. Parents, household contacts and caregivers of children between those ages should also be vaccinated. These children, many of whom are receiving the vaccine for the first time, may require TWO shots for complete protection. To assure two shots can be given, parents should seek out the vaccine for their infants early.

We in the medical community want the public to be aware of these important new recommendations. Additionally, we want to make sure health-care professionals are aware. The influenza vaccine is extremely effective and can save lives. -- MICHAEL FLEMING, M.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN ACADEMY OF FAMILY PHYSICIANS; CARDEN JOHNSTON, M.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN ACADEMY OF PEDIATRICS; JOHN C. NELSON, M.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION

DEAR DRS. FLEMING, JOHNSTON AND NELSON: I'm pleased to help you spread the word.

Readers, I am told that influenza kills more than 36,000 people every year, and together with pneumonia is the eighth leading cause of death. It's a tragedy that common myths surrounding the flu vaccine sometimes prevent people from getting it. These myths include the widely held mistaken belief that if you aren't vaccinated in September or October, it is too late to do it, and that only people over the age of 65 need it. Older citizens are not the only people who can benefit from flu shots; children and those who live and work closely with them can also benefit.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend of 18 months. It took me many years to forgive him. However, I don't think I ever forgave myself.

Now that I am in college, I can't bring myself to date. Every time I am asked out, I use any and all excuses I can come up with. It terrifies me that someone will betray my trust again. If a guy shows the slightest interest, I run away and cut off contact until he stops. I have never told anyone about what happened in high school because I thought they would blame me. Please help me -- I'm so confused. -- ASHAMED AND AFRAID IN COLORADO

DEAR ASHAMED AND AFRAID: I'm sad to say that rape is one of the most underreported crimes, and for the very reason that stopped you -- the victim fears that she (or he) was somehow to blame. The victim is never to blame! The quickest way to start the healing process and move forward with your life would be to arrange to talk to a mental health professional at the student health center. Do not put it off. The time to deal with this is now, while help is close at hand. No one will blame you. Please trust me and make the call NOW.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)