DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Nick" for 14 years. We have a beautiful 10-year-old daughter, "Betsy." I recently learned that when Nick was between the ages of 15 and 19, he molested his younger sister. My husband is now 48 and swears that, during those years, he was a "messed up, suicidal" teen.

All this was recently revealed by the sister, who is now 42. She told her parents who, in turn, wrote an ugly letter to Nick. I opened it by mistake and, unfortunately, read it all. It shocked me to the core. I feel so sad for his sister.

Nick will be seeing a counselor to work through what happened 30 years ago and to try to put everything in perspective. I know he is not the monster his sister describes, and I know he would never hurt Betsy.

I wish I could just smooth everything over. How do I explain to Betsy that her grandparents will never visit again? Nick is considering moving out to distance himself and not hurt us anymore. I know I could speak to a counselor, but I don't have much faith in what one could offer besides being someone to vent to. -- LOST IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LOST: Before trying to smooth anything over, make an appointment with a child psychologist and take your daughter. Your husband molested his sister not once, but for a long time. It's possible that he's also done something to Betsy, but she was so young and innocent she didn't recognize it for what it was.

In cases like this, what happened cannot be ignored. It might be better if your husband did move out for a while, because your daughter is about at the age her aunt was when the molestations began. And you, dear lady, should by all means schedule some sessions with a psychologist or psychiatrist who understands childhood sexual abuse. Counseling isn't just "venting"; it can also be listening to and learning from someone with insight, education and experience. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, sister and I grew up abused and neglected by our parents. There was never any affection or love in our home.

Now that we are grown, we have all established our own families and have little to do with our parents. Because we never discussed our home lives with anyone but ourselves, to outsiders our parents appear to be wonderful people. In the eyes of friends and other relatives, we are now "shirking our duty" because we have "abandoned" our parents.

I live far enough away that I don't have to deal with this problem, but my siblings face frequent criticism. What should be the appropriate response to those who continually ask why we don't visit our parents? -- SAFELY AWAY IN DULUTH, GA.

DEAR SAFELY AWAY: Your brother and sister have my sympathy. Unless they want to give a blow-by-blow description of what their lives were like growing up, which I'd advise against, their best response would be, "This subject is painful for me and very personal. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it again." And then change the subject.

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DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jenny," and I married 12 years ago because she was pregnant. I knew she had been promiscuous as a teenager, but I thought I could cope with it. Now, after two children, I have second thoughts. When we married, Jenny weighed 115 pounds. (She's 5 foot 1.) Now, after two children, she weighs 170 pounds, and her clothes are size 16.

I am frustrated at the fact Jenny cares so little about her appearance. Yes, we all change, and I understand that. But I get furious when I think my wife gave up caring about her appearance when I put the ring on her finger. It looks like she got her man, so now she's complacent. I am insanely jealous because I feel like Jenny wanted to look good when she was chasing boys, but she doesn't care now.

Talking about it and counseling haven't helped. I know these are not healthy feelings, but they are in my heart. I'm thankful for my wife and kids, but I also feel cheated. Please don't tell me that weight gain is biological. There are plenty of thinner moms around. What can I do to help her see my point of view? -- TIED TO A HEAVY BALL AND CHAIN

DEAR TIED: If counseling hasn't helped, I'm not sure I can, but I'll try. Perhaps your wife's problem isn't complacency. Has it occurred to you that she could be feeling depressed, stressed and trapped? You describe your marriage as more of a shotgun wedding than a love match. She now has two children to raise, and a husband who resents the fact that she wasn't a virgin bride. On top of that, she has put on 55 pounds -- and losing that much weight is a daunting challenge.

If you really want your wife to get back in shape, my advice is to dwell less on what she's eating and more on what's eating HER. Stop harping on her past, which she can't change, and start talking about your future and the fact that you want her to be healthy and feeling good about herself. Tell her that you love her and keep repeating it. Find activities you can do together that will help her become more physically active and give you time to communicate with each other away from the children. Perhaps then she will be more receptive to making positive changes in her lifestyle.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a nursing home. Yesterday there was a note left that said a resident would be going out for dinner with his family, and to have him ready at 1 p.m. and expect him back at 7 p.m.

What would you consider dinner, Abby -- lunch or supper? Half the staff consider it the evening meal, the other half consider it the noon meal. We are ... CURIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CURIOUS: Depending on the part of the country where you were raised, "dinner" can be either lunch or supper. Where I was raised, "dinner" meant the evening meal. My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines dinner as "the principal meal of the day." "Supper," as defined by Webster's, is "the evening meal, or a light meal served late in the evening."

FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:

The limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical.

But the good ones I've seen,

So seldom are clean,

And the clean ones so seldom are comical!

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DEAR ABBY: "Alex" and I have been together for almost eight years. We love each other and recently had our first baby. Our little family gets along great except for one thing. I'd like to be married, and Alex is dead-set against it. He says he wants to "be with" me forever, and his aversion to marriage has nothing to do with me.

I think it's important for our daughter to have a traditional family. I love Alex with all my heart, and I hate having to accept that we may never be married. I have dreamed about being married ever since I was a little girl.

Have you any ideas on how I can either cope with never being a bride or convince Alex to change his mind? -- IN AN "ALTAR"-CATION IN PHOENIX

DEAR IN: Counseling may help you to cope, but there are solid reasons why your boyfriend should change his mind. When children arrive, it's time to be practical. A marriage certificate is more than just a piece of paper. It entitles couples to certain legal protections such as the right of inheritance, the ability to hold title to community property, health insurance benefits, and when you are older, Social Security and pension benefits.

If something were to happen to Alex, with no marriage certificate, you would be left with nothing -- and that includes a voice in his medical treatment or even a claim to his body.

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Charles," lives in his mother's basement. He has not held a job for more than 15 years and never leaves the house except for the rare occasion when he goes out to buy pizza. He does not date and hasn't for as long as I have known him. He has heard voices and has told all of us that he runs an oil company from the basement.

I have two children whom I do not want to be alone with Charles -- ever. I have expressed this to my husband, and it has gotten back to my sister-in-law, who insists Charles "wouldn't hurt a fly." Our children's pediatrician agrees with me. This has caused a rift in the family.

Should I hold my ground or give in to the majority? -- ANXIOUS MOTHER IN OHIO

DEAR ANXIOUS MOTHER: Charles appears to be mentally ill and delusional, and while he should be treated with kindness and respect, he does not appear to be responsible enough to baby-sit. Have any of you tried to get him professional help? Listen to the pediatrician and do not leave the children alone with this poor man. Better to be safe than sorry.

DEAR ABBY: Some people say a bride has a whole year to send out thank-you cards for gifts received. I say this is extremely rude. That rule may have been applied in the days of the Pony Express, when letters took longer to reach their destination than today. However, I don't think any bride should wait a year before mailing out her cards. I say they should be sent within three months of the wedding, preferably less. Do you agree? -- MANNERS-CONSCIOUS

DEAR MANNERS-CONSCIOUS: Not only do I agree, but so does Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Etiquette" (16th Edition). She writes: "Insofar as possible, thank-you notes for wedding presents should be written as soon as the gift is received. ... (I)f they are not sent before the wedding, they must be written as soon as the couple returns from the honeymoon. Even for a very large wedding, when the gifts are innumerable, all thank-you notes should be mailed within three months."

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