DEAR ABBY: "Alex" and I have been together for almost eight years. We love each other and recently had our first baby. Our little family gets along great except for one thing. I'd like to be married, and Alex is dead-set against it. He says he wants to "be with" me forever, and his aversion to marriage has nothing to do with me.

I think it's important for our daughter to have a traditional family. I love Alex with all my heart, and I hate having to accept that we may never be married. I have dreamed about being married ever since I was a little girl.

Have you any ideas on how I can either cope with never being a bride or convince Alex to change his mind? -- IN AN "ALTAR"-CATION IN PHOENIX

DEAR IN: Counseling may help you to cope, but there are solid reasons why your boyfriend should change his mind. When children arrive, it's time to be practical. A marriage certificate is more than just a piece of paper. It entitles couples to certain legal protections such as the right of inheritance, the ability to hold title to community property, health insurance benefits, and when you are older, Social Security and pension benefits.

If something were to happen to Alex, with no marriage certificate, you would be left with nothing -- and that includes a voice in his medical treatment or even a claim to his body.

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Charles," lives in his mother's basement. He has not held a job for more than 15 years and never leaves the house except for the rare occasion when he goes out to buy pizza. He does not date and hasn't for as long as I have known him. He has heard voices and has told all of us that he runs an oil company from the basement.

I have two children whom I do not want to be alone with Charles -- ever. I have expressed this to my husband, and it has gotten back to my sister-in-law, who insists Charles "wouldn't hurt a fly." Our children's pediatrician agrees with me. This has caused a rift in the family.

Should I hold my ground or give in to the majority? -- ANXIOUS MOTHER IN OHIO

DEAR ANXIOUS MOTHER: Charles appears to be mentally ill and delusional, and while he should be treated with kindness and respect, he does not appear to be responsible enough to baby-sit. Have any of you tried to get him professional help? Listen to the pediatrician and do not leave the children alone with this poor man. Better to be safe than sorry.

DEAR ABBY: Some people say a bride has a whole year to send out thank-you cards for gifts received. I say this is extremely rude. That rule may have been applied in the days of the Pony Express, when letters took longer to reach their destination than today. However, I don't think any bride should wait a year before mailing out her cards. I say they should be sent within three months of the wedding, preferably less. Do you agree? -- MANNERS-CONSCIOUS

DEAR MANNERS-CONSCIOUS: Not only do I agree, but so does Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Etiquette" (16th Edition). She writes: "Insofar as possible, thank-you notes for wedding presents should be written as soon as the gift is received. ... (I)f they are not sent before the wedding, they must be written as soon as the couple returns from the honeymoon. Even for a very large wedding, when the gifts are innumerable, all thank-you notes should be mailed within three months."

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DEAR ABBY: I received a wedding invitation from "Lindy," the sister of my co-worker, "Lara." I don't know Lindy personally, but I assumed that Lara had asked her to invite my husband and me because we often socialize together.

When the invitation arrived, I immediately RSVP'd that we would attend. When I told Lara, she seemed pleased.

About three weeks before the wedding, Lindy called to say she had "inadvertently" sent me the invitation thinking I was someone else she knew. She said she had too many guests, and therefore I was being uninvited! I responded graciously, even though I felt humiliated. Lara never mentioned the subject to me.

By the way, other co-workers were invited. Now I feel stupid. Was this rude, or is this kind of thing no big deal? -- LEFT OUT IN LOUISVILLE

DEAR LEFT OUT: The bride overbooked her wedding, and the way she cut the guest list was brutal. Please don't blame Lara for her sister's bad manners, and don't waste time and energy holding a grudge. Since you don't know Lindy personally, it's unlikely your paths will cross again.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "George," and I have been married a year and are expecting a baby. I recently discovered that he has been viewing gay pornography every day for months on our home computer. I have tracked it using the history file, and finally confronted him.

George says it is just curiosity and that he is not gay or bisexual. He says he has never been with a man, nor would he want to. George did admit he has been viewing those sites for about three years.

This has left me feeling betrayed and questioning my husband's sexuality. How can a churchgoing, married man who's expecting a baby, who appears normal and heterosexual, be viewing gay pornography Web sites daily? -- TRUSTING IN TEXAS

DEAR TRUSTING: Because he finds them interesting and exciting and is getting something out of it. Bear in mind that being gay does not prevent a person from being religious, married, virile (or fertile), or "normal" in appearance. Your husband may be so deeply closeted that he hasn't even admitted to himself that he's gay. Your next move should be to insist that you and your husband consult a marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 11-year-old girl who wears glasses. I was wondering: When is a good age to get contact lenses? I realize that it is a responsibility, but how can I tell if I'm responsible enough? -- WISHING FOR CONTACTS IN NAPA, CALIF.

DEAR WISHING: That's something you and your parents should ask your eye doctor. I recently read that although doctors used to discourage children under the age of 12 from wearing contacts, the age barrier has recently been revised downward. If you are responsible about chores, school assignments and your grooming, I see no reason you wouldn't be responsible enough to handle contact lenses.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Gary" and I were married two months ago. For our honeymoon, we took a cruise to the eastern Caribbean.

One week after our return, I came down with a yeast infection that I treated with an over-the-counter medication. A few days later, Gary got what we thought was a urinary tract infection, which we treated with lots of water and cranberry juice. When neither of our conditions improved, we went to the doctor, who diagnosed us both with chlamydia.

We were shocked! Gary and I had both tested negative for all STDs before we were married. The nurse asked if we had been in a hot tub recently, and we replied that we'd spent many hours in hot tubs on the cruise ship. The nurse then informed us that chlamydia is a bacteria, and bacteria love warm, moist environments -- like hot tubs. She said it was the most likely source of this disease in our case.

We contacted the cruise line and told them that their hot tubs were not clean and asked them to reimburse us for the cost of our prescriptions. The man I spoke to refused and accused me of lying.

I know you can't help me with the cruise line, Abby, but I want to warn your readers about public hot tubs. Perhaps it will save others from contracting a disease like we did. -- CONTAMINATED IN OHIO

DEAR OHIO: Thank you for wanting to spare others your unfortunate experience.

After reading your letter, I contacted the Centers for Disease Control National STD and AIDS Hotline (1-800-342-2437). I was told that chlamydia is NOT transmitted by sitting in or on the rim of a hot tub, nor by any other inanimate object. It is transmitted through genital contact.

Two diseases that "potentially" can be spread in and around swimming pools and hot tubs -- although it has NOT been well-documented -- are trichomoniasis (a parasite) and molluscum contagiosum (a virus), which can also be transmitted from unclean towels or bathing suits.

The most important thing your letter illustrates to me is how important it is for people to be properly diagnosed, rather than treating themselves with over-the-counter remedies.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old single mother of a 3-year-old daughter. I was physically and verbally abused by both of my parents. I no longer live with them. However, I try to have a good relationship with them. They are the only support system I have.

I have no one except my parents to watch my child, but I see them starting to yell at her. When I mention that yelling is not good for my daughter, they accuse me of being "overly protective." Can you tell me how to deal with this? I am still trying to overcome the temper I developed while living with them. -- IN A BIND IN BATON ROUGE

DEAR IN A BIND: Under no circumstances should your parents baby-sit your child. It's time for you to find another baby sitter and to build another support system. Start by reaching out to fellow church members, other single parents and contemporaries. You could also benefit by attending a parenting class with other young mothers. There you will learn about child development and meet other single parents who are struggling with issues similar to yours.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)