DEAR ABBY: My sister informed me that her daughter was pregnant and being married at the local courthouse. They live in Kansas. I live in Florida.

The day after the ceremony, my sister e-mailed me, expressing her anger that I did not acknowledge her daughter's "special day." Keep in mind that I have never known her kids, as we have lived so far apart all of their lives. Her other daughters have called me every name they can come up with, trying to make me feel bad for "forgetting" about the event. I don't feel I was obligated to do anything, especially when my sister announced it would be "parents only" at the ceremony.

Who's out of line here, in your opinion? -- DISTANT AUNT IN TITUSVILLE, FLA.

DEAR DISTANT AUNT: Since you weren't invited to the wedding, you had no obligation to send a gift. It would have been nice if you had marked the occasion with something -- a token gift. However, since you are now being "called every name they can come up with," I wouldn't blame you for going from distant aunt to an even more distant one.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old grandmother who had a colostomy a little over a year ago. It wasn't due to cancer or a life-threatening illness. It was due to lack of muscle control because of having children.

I care for my grandchildren two or three times a week, a 2-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. How do I explain this to a 4-year-old? I don't want to scare her. From the time she was able to walk she came into the bathroom with me, and now she's curious about why she can't anymore. Is there a way you can explain this to a child? Thanks for any advice you can give. -- GRANDMA IN BRISTOL, CONN.

DEAR GRANDMA: That you had a colostomy because of incontinence due to childbirth is too much information for a child your granddaughter's age. Simply tell her that she's not a baby anymore, and you would prefer privacy in the bathroom. Most adults do, and it should not require a detailed explanation.

However, if your granddaughter should happen to enter the bathroom unexpectedly and ask specific questions about what she has seen, a brief explanation that you are all right and that you just go to the bathroom a little differently than she does should suffice. As she gets older, appropriate information can be provided on a "need-to-know" basis.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are having a debate. I say you do not need to tip hairdressers if they rent their station and take 100 percent of the fees they charge. I say that tipping is only for people on commission. She disagrees.

I want to send my new hairdresser a tip if I'm wrong. -- "CURLY" IN CHESTERFIELD, MO.

DEAR CURLY: When in doubt, the wisest policy is to ask if tips are accepted. In many beauty salons, tips are welcomed even by the owner. For color, cuts and permanents, the usual amount is 15 to 20 percent. For a simple wash and set or blow-dry, it's 15 percent. In addition, regular customers give their hairdressers -- and manicurists -- gifts at Christmas. So haul out your wallet; your sister is right.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are raising our 4-year-old granddaughter, "Nicole." We've had her since she was a year old. Our daughter, "Terri," lives 1,800 miles away and has nothing to do with Nicole. The only time we hear from Terri is when she wants money.

Terri knows that our upstairs apartment is vacant and now she wants to move in. She's six months pregnant, has no job and no help from the father of the baby. If we allow her to move upstairs, not only will we be paying for the baby, but we'll be raising it, too, while she runs around all day and parties all night. (That's the reason we have Nicole.)

I have said "no" to her moving back here. She thinks I'm wrong, and so does my husband. When Terri came to visit last Christmas, all we did was fight because of her ways. If she doesn't get her way, she becomes very mean and says ugly things in front of Nicole. I'm sad to say this, but I'd rather not have Terri around as an example for the child. Am I wrong? Should I let her come home? -- TORN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TORN: No. For your own sake, as well as your granddaughter's, do not allow Terri to move in. Your daughter is an adult and should learn to act like one. If she lives under your roof, she will rule the roost, and your husband will continue to side with her. Unless you want to be an unpaid maid and baby sitter, stand your ground.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18. My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. During that time we have lived together, and we know each other inside and out.

When I told my mother months ago that we were getting married, she dismissed it. She said she didn't have the money to help out with a wedding. When we told her we had decided to go to a justice of the peace, she said she'd be gone camping that day.

I'd really like for my mother to be there. My father died when I was 8, and she's the only parent I have. I love her dearly and can't figure out why she wouldn't want to be there, because I'm her only child. What's your take on this, Abby? -- HURT AND CONFUSED IN OREGON

DEAR CONFUSED: That's a question you should be asking your mother. She may have concerns because you are marrying so young. Or she may not approve of your boyfriend. But you will never know the answer unless you ask your mother how she feels about your plans. Please don't wait to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, who is now out of high school and about to go to college, has never had a job. She has turned in a couple of job applications, but it's been two years and she's still unemployed. Our parents are frustrated with her.

Every time I look at the classifieds for a job for her, she yells at me and tells me I'm exactly like our parents. How can I get her to find a job without making her angry? -- FRUSTRATED SISTER

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You cannot -- nor should you -- get your sister a job. It's clear she doesn't want one, and until she's motivated, she won't find one. Who is paying for her college education? Who is giving her spending money? Perhaps when the well runs dry, your sister will get her shovel and start digging.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," and I have a 4-year-old daughter, "Carmelle." When I brought Carmelle home from the hospital, she slept in a crib in our bedroom and I'd bring her to bed with me for midnight breast feedings so I could sleep.

Since then, Carmelle has refused to sleep in her own bed. I placed a child bed next to ours in our bedroom, and each night I'd tuck her in. But she would cry, so Rick would let her climb into ours. For the past year, she has slept between us. The situation is now bordering on the ridiculous. I often wonder why I bothered to have my tubes tied.

Carmelle has a room of her own that I recently furnished, but she refuses to use it. I now sleep alone in our king-sized bed. That's because I told Rick I didn't want her wetting in my bed any longer. I thought a brand-new bedroom set with a twin-sized bed would encourage Carmelle to sleep in her room and Rick to sleep with me. Well, it backfired, and I continue to sleep alone, while my husband sleeps with our daughter in her bed. Have you any advice for me? -- ABANDONED IN PALM BAY, FLA.

DEAR ABANDONED: Take your daughter to her pediatrician for an examination to determine why she's still wetting the bed. There are medications and devices that can help her -- but first you must determine what's causing the problem.

Once that's done, it's time for you and your husband to have a heart-to-heart about why he's sleeping with his daughter instead of his wife. If necessary, have it in a marriage counselor's office. In some cultures, a "family bed" is a tradition (in our culture it is much less so), but even then, the husband and wife find time to be alone with each other. For the sake of your marriage, you must resolve this important issue, so don't put it off any longer.

P.S. Some sessions with a child psychologist might also be helpful. Your little girl isn't going to like it when her routine is disrupted, so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Sheila" is going through a rough divorce. She called one night and told me she was going to kill herself. When I tried to calm her and talk her out of it, she hung up on me. I tried calling her back for about 10 minutes. Then, fearing she had injured herself, I called the police.

When they went to Sheila's home and couldn't find her, they called me, and I suggested some other places she might be. They managed to locate her and took her to the hospital. She was released, and now she's mad at me. Sheila says I overreacted -- she wasn't really going to do it -- and that it's my fault she got bruised from the encounter. (It was storming and muddy, and they fell in the mud.)

I asked her for forgiveness. She said she wants nothing more to do with me. I love Sheila like family. I did what I was always taught to do in a situation like that. Did I do something wrong? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN INDIANA

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: No, you did exactly the right thing. You did not owe Sheila an apology; she owes you one. By now, you must have realized that your friend is self-centered, overly dramatic and brought this episode upon herself. Divorces can make people hyperemotional and irrational. Once Sheila gets her feet back on the ground, I hope she realizes what a good friend you are. If she doesn't, the loss is hers.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)