DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are raising our 4-year-old granddaughter, "Nicole." We've had her since she was a year old. Our daughter, "Terri," lives 1,800 miles away and has nothing to do with Nicole. The only time we hear from Terri is when she wants money.

Terri knows that our upstairs apartment is vacant and now she wants to move in. She's six months pregnant, has no job and no help from the father of the baby. If we allow her to move upstairs, not only will we be paying for the baby, but we'll be raising it, too, while she runs around all day and parties all night. (That's the reason we have Nicole.)

I have said "no" to her moving back here. She thinks I'm wrong, and so does my husband. When Terri came to visit last Christmas, all we did was fight because of her ways. If she doesn't get her way, she becomes very mean and says ugly things in front of Nicole. I'm sad to say this, but I'd rather not have Terri around as an example for the child. Am I wrong? Should I let her come home? -- TORN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TORN: No. For your own sake, as well as your granddaughter's, do not allow Terri to move in. Your daughter is an adult and should learn to act like one. If she lives under your roof, she will rule the roost, and your husband will continue to side with her. Unless you want to be an unpaid maid and baby sitter, stand your ground.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18. My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. During that time we have lived together, and we know each other inside and out.

When I told my mother months ago that we were getting married, she dismissed it. She said she didn't have the money to help out with a wedding. When we told her we had decided to go to a justice of the peace, she said she'd be gone camping that day.

I'd really like for my mother to be there. My father died when I was 8, and she's the only parent I have. I love her dearly and can't figure out why she wouldn't want to be there, because I'm her only child. What's your take on this, Abby? -- HURT AND CONFUSED IN OREGON

DEAR CONFUSED: That's a question you should be asking your mother. She may have concerns because you are marrying so young. Or she may not approve of your boyfriend. But you will never know the answer unless you ask your mother how she feels about your plans. Please don't wait to do it.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, who is now out of high school and about to go to college, has never had a job. She has turned in a couple of job applications, but it's been two years and she's still unemployed. Our parents are frustrated with her.

Every time I look at the classifieds for a job for her, she yells at me and tells me I'm exactly like our parents. How can I get her to find a job without making her angry? -- FRUSTRATED SISTER

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You cannot -- nor should you -- get your sister a job. It's clear she doesn't want one, and until she's motivated, she won't find one. Who is paying for her college education? Who is giving her spending money? Perhaps when the well runs dry, your sister will get her shovel and start digging.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," and I have a 4-year-old daughter, "Carmelle." When I brought Carmelle home from the hospital, she slept in a crib in our bedroom and I'd bring her to bed with me for midnight breast feedings so I could sleep.

Since then, Carmelle has refused to sleep in her own bed. I placed a child bed next to ours in our bedroom, and each night I'd tuck her in. But she would cry, so Rick would let her climb into ours. For the past year, she has slept between us. The situation is now bordering on the ridiculous. I often wonder why I bothered to have my tubes tied.

Carmelle has a room of her own that I recently furnished, but she refuses to use it. I now sleep alone in our king-sized bed. That's because I told Rick I didn't want her wetting in my bed any longer. I thought a brand-new bedroom set with a twin-sized bed would encourage Carmelle to sleep in her room and Rick to sleep with me. Well, it backfired, and I continue to sleep alone, while my husband sleeps with our daughter in her bed. Have you any advice for me? -- ABANDONED IN PALM BAY, FLA.

DEAR ABANDONED: Take your daughter to her pediatrician for an examination to determine why she's still wetting the bed. There are medications and devices that can help her -- but first you must determine what's causing the problem.

Once that's done, it's time for you and your husband to have a heart-to-heart about why he's sleeping with his daughter instead of his wife. If necessary, have it in a marriage counselor's office. In some cultures, a "family bed" is a tradition (in our culture it is much less so), but even then, the husband and wife find time to be alone with each other. For the sake of your marriage, you must resolve this important issue, so don't put it off any longer.

P.S. Some sessions with a child psychologist might also be helpful. Your little girl isn't going to like it when her routine is disrupted, so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Sheila" is going through a rough divorce. She called one night and told me she was going to kill herself. When I tried to calm her and talk her out of it, she hung up on me. I tried calling her back for about 10 minutes. Then, fearing she had injured herself, I called the police.

When they went to Sheila's home and couldn't find her, they called me, and I suggested some other places she might be. They managed to locate her and took her to the hospital. She was released, and now she's mad at me. Sheila says I overreacted -- she wasn't really going to do it -- and that it's my fault she got bruised from the encounter. (It was storming and muddy, and they fell in the mud.)

I asked her for forgiveness. She said she wants nothing more to do with me. I love Sheila like family. I did what I was always taught to do in a situation like that. Did I do something wrong? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN INDIANA

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: No, you did exactly the right thing. You did not owe Sheila an apology; she owes you one. By now, you must have realized that your friend is self-centered, overly dramatic and brought this episode upon herself. Divorces can make people hyperemotional and irrational. Once Sheila gets her feet back on the ground, I hope she realizes what a good friend you are. If she doesn't, the loss is hers.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I want to respond to "Discredited," whose parent stole his (or her) identity and opened credit card accounts using that false identity.

I investigate credit card fraud for one of the largest banks in the world. For parents to commit identity theft against their children is an increasing trend.

"Discredited" needs to contact the credit card companies as soon as possible and report the fraud. And "Discredited" should NOT pay on those cards, since that is often interpreted as acceptance of responsibility. Because she did not authorize the cards, they will most likely be removed from her credit report after completing some paperwork. She should also, as you advised, file a police report since many companies require one when reporting fraud.

If "Discredited" does not take action NOW, his/her credit will be affected for the rest of her life. As a preventive measure, the three major credit reporting agencies should be alerted and a fraud alert placed, which will require lenders to contact "Discredited" at a specified phone number before extending credit.

Please don't use my name. Sign me ... FRAUD INVESTIGATOR IN TENNESSEE

DEAR INVESTIGATOR: Thank you for your supportive and helpful letter.

Readers, if the mail I have received about this problem is any indication, ID theft and fraud have become so common that all of us should run a credit check on ourselves once a year to make sure we haven't been "cloned." It can be done by contacting the three credit bureaus: Experian: 888-397-3742; Equifax: 800-685-1111; and Transunion: 800-916-8800. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Discredited" wrote about one of her parents using her credit information. This is called family identity theft, and it is a far too common, yet frequently hidden occurrence that is not often discussed.

You rightly advised "Discredited" not to continue to be victimized or feel ashamed, and urged the writer to contact the police. However, given the cultural issues raised by this individual (who is Asian), your advice may have been oversimplified. In our experience at the Identity Theft Resource Center, many family ID theft victims could benefit from talking to an adviser about potential consequences to themselves and the thief before making such a difficult decision.

We work regularly with cases such as these, as well as those in which ID theft is used as a form of domestic violence. Our program is nonprofit, and victims are never charged for our time. -- LINDA FOLEY, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, ITRC

DEAR LINDA: Batten down the hatches, because you're going to be inundated. Readers, the Web site is www.idtheftcenter.org.

And now, some additional information: In cases like this, it is also a good idea to contact the Social Security Administration and request a statement of your earnings to make certain your relative isn't working using your information. And, depending on your age, it may be necessary to contact the Internal Revenue Service to ensure that no personal tax bills are due (or overdue) under your personal identifying information.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)