DEAR ABBY: I have a 1-year-old daughter with a man I chose not to marry. Every time I take my little girl to visit her grandparents, they bombard me with comments about who my child favors. Everything, from his family's point of view, comes from her father -- down to her baby noises and facial gestures.

What makes this so hurtful is it's simply not true. I have tried to politely slip some baby pictures of myself to them in the hope they'd take the hint and stop. My daughter does resemble her daddy, but she also has my hair, eyes, skin and some facial features. Nothing has worked so far, and I am beyond frustrated.

Please print this because, childish as it may seem, being made to feel like a test tube who contributed nothing really hurts. -- INVISIBLE IN ALABAMA

DEAR INVISIBLE: Stop hinting and tell your daughter's grandparents exactly what you have told me and the rest of my readers. But please say it gently, because what they are doing isn't unusual. When a child is born, it's natural for families to look for and recognize their own genetic traits. They may be tactless, but I'm sure they don't mean to be cruel. You are far more than a "test tube." You're a caring and conscientious mother for making sure that your child has a relationship with her grandparents.

DEAR ABBY: I just got a phone call from my father. He hadn't called in more than three months, so I was a little surprised to hear from him. The first words out of his mouth were, "Can I borrow $250 to get my car fixed? You don't even have to get me a Father's Day present."

Abby, my dad is not poor. Now he is mad at me for saying no. He says I'm ungrateful, and that I owe it to him for all the years he paid child support to my mom.

I don't have the money to spare. I just spent a lot to have my own car fixed, and I'm saving for a new one. Was I wrong not to give him the loan? Should I have done it to keep the peace? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN OGDEN, UTAH

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It depends on your relationship with your father. Obviously, you are not particularly close or there wouldn't have been a three-month gap between conversations. And since "the first words out of his mouth" were to ask for money, your dad's diplomatic skills could use some sharpening.

I don't think you were wrong to refuse. The worst reason in the world to make a loan is to "keep the peace."

P.S. Your father paid child support because he was required by law to do it. You do not owe him money in return.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had a baby girl seven weeks ago. Her name is "Madison." My mother-in-law is here visiting from another country to help me. My problem is she insists on taking Madison into her bed with her at night so I can sleep.

I prefer that our daughter sleep in her bassinet, because my mother-in-law weighs between 350 and 375 pounds, and I'm afraid she could accidentally roll over on the baby. When I asked her the other night to please use the bassinet, she waved her hand at me in a very disrespectful gesture, and then stomped into her room with Madison.

I told my husband to tell her that I wanted my daughter in the bassinet, and she told him to tell me to come in and get her.

Am I being ridiculous to be afraid? I never have Madison in my bed, because I'm afraid of rolling over on her. -- SCARED NEW MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCARED: You are not ridiculous; you are a conscientious new mother, and your concerns are valid. Stick to your guns, and if it means getting less help from your mother-in-law -- so be it. And stop asking your husband to intercede for you. This is between you and your mother-in-law. If she waves her hand at you again, wave this item back at her and hand her her plane ticket home.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice. A former co-worker has invited me to her wedding. It's between her and her girlfriend. If I go, I'll have to take my 4-year-old son because I don't have a sitter.

Part of me thinks I should go and take him because they're a nice couple who have been together for seven years. They love each other, and it would be good for my son to learn that it's OK to be different. However, the other part of me thinks, "How am I going to answer the inevitable question, 'Mummy, why is that girl kissing the other girl?'" I know I could answer it with, "Because they love each other," but I think it's a bit of a leap for a 4-year-old. Then again, I'm thinking if I don't take him, I am breeding intolerance and hate -- and that is not my aim.

Should I go, or just send a gift and my best wishes? -- HELP! IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR HELP!: Whether to take him or not depends on whether there will be other children at the wedding. If he's the only child there, he could be bored. If other children are included, he will probably regard it as a nice party and nothing more. Should he ask why one person is kissing the other, tell the truth -- because they love each other. You don't have to deliver a 15-minute lecture on tolerance. Besides, by the time the wedding cake is served, he'll be more interested in dessert and playing with his contemporaries than any life lesson. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: When an invitation to a party states, "No gifts, please," do people really mean it?

I have heard people mention how much they got after such parties, who gave what, and how cheap "so-and-so" was. I thought "no gifts" really meant no gifts.

If you come giftless, are you in the wrong? -- CONFUSED PARTYGOER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONFUSED: "No gifts" means exactly what it says. People who describe their guests as "cheap" and complain that what was given to them wasn't good enough are petty gossips whose parties you should avoid.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ollie," and I are in our late 40s and have been married 25 years. The first five were rocky, but we made it work -- and then the children came along.

Ollie has become so controlling I can hardly breathe. I work 55 hours a week. My only extravagance is buying coffee and a snack and lunch at work a couple of times a week. Ollie demands to know where every penny goes and what I'm "wasting" it on.

Abby, I don't do drugs or gamble, and I'm not a shopaholic. But grocery and household costs have risen. Ollie does none of the shopping, refuses to go with me, and denies that prices have gone up. We are not destitute. He has his own business. I am emotionally drained. He refuses to go to counseling.

The moment I get home in the evening, he starts berating me. Our kids are in high school and usually scatter when he starts yelling. He isn't hitting me, but I feel beaten emotionally. I get a lump in my throat and my chest constricts when I try to figure out what to do. Can verbal abusers become physical abusers? I find myself working longer hours so I don't have to come home, but I'm afraid he'll start on the kids if I'm not there. Should I see a lawyer? Without outside intervention, how can we survive? -- TIRED OF THE BATTLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TIRED: Yes, verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse. The stress is taking its toll on you. If it continues, Ollie will survive, but you may not. You feel "beaten" because, emotionally, that's exactly what's happening. You deserve better, but the only person who can make it stop is you.

Your husband will not be thrilled when you finally stand up for yourself, so be prepared. Make a list of his bank accounts, assets, Social Security and driver's license numbers. Then consult an attorney who specializes in family law. Once Ollie has been put on notice that the marriage is over if he isn't willing to get help for his problem, he may be more receptive to counseling. And at that point, you'll have to decide whether you and the children are better off with him or without him.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a baby shower for an acquaintance. As she opened her gifts, a girlfriend sitting next to her wrote down the name of the gift-giver and the item on a sheet of paper. At the same time, this friend was also penning thank-you notes to each giver! At the end of the shower, the mommy-to-be signed each note, "Love, 'X'" -- and handed them to each giver.

How should a person react to something like that? My first reaction was that this woman should receive no more of my time, since my attendance and my gift were not worth a personal thank-you note and a 37-cent stamp. -- CONFUSED IN TROY, MICH.

DEAR CONFUSED: Could the honoree be functionally illiterate? If that's the case, you should not have been offended. If she's not, however, it's clear the mommy-to-be is socially ignorant, and I'm sure you weren't the only guest who was offended.

DEAR ABBY: Like any other little girl, I have dreamed about my perfect wedding. But now that my boyfriend and I have begun discussing marriage, I realize that I have nobody to fill the spot of maid of honor.

Would it be all right if I asked my older sister (who is already married and is my best friend) to be maid of honor? -- WANTS SOMETHING TRADITIONAL

DEAR WANTS: By all means ask her. It's an honor, and I'm sure she will appreciate it. However, since your sister is married, her title will be "matron of honor."

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