DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old, single college student. I live on my own and work two jobs in order to make ends meet. I recently told my dad I want to move back home, because working two jobs and going to school is wearing me out -- not to mention reflecting badly on my grades. My dad is very excited at the prospect.

The reason I moved out was my stepmother. I can't stand her. She is very controlling, and we have never gotten along. I have tried to make peace with her since I left, but she is still the same. She tells me what time I should be home at night when I go out with my friends!

Abby, at this point I am used to being on my own and not having to account to anyone for my time. How am I going to make this drastic change? -- TROUBLED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR T. in T.: By gritting your teeth and recognizing that there's no free lunch. Instead of paying rent for a roof over your head, you will be sacrificing some of your freedom. Once you accept that this is an exchange -- and that it will help you achieve a goal -- you'll adapt. However, if you can't accept the terms, I advise you to stay where you are, because moving back will only cause aggravation for all concerned.

P.S. Your stepmother's insistence on a curfew may have to do with not wanting to be worried about you until all hours nor be awakened in the middle of the night.

DEAR ABBY: My parents watched two of my younger children last week while my husband and I took our older children on vacation. Today, while helping my 5-year-old daughter visit a Barbie Web site, I discovered someone had used my computer to extensively visit a pornographic Web site.

We have three computers, and my father had access only to this one. Our other computers were unaffected. I know these Web sites were not on my computer when we left. Our family has always joked with my dad about the amount of time he spends on computers, but we assumed it was for work.

Should I tell my parents what I found? I'm disgusted that Dad would use my computer this way and that my children were exposed to pictures of naked women. The bottom line is I do not want this material in my house, nor do I want someone around my kids who engages in this behavior. Please advise. -- NOT IN MY HOUSE

DEAR NOT: Tell your parents what you found and let your father know that you feel he betrayed your trust. To ensure that it doesn't happen again, either install parental control software on your computers or discuss it with your Internet service provider so access to these sites can be blocked. Once that's done, I see no reason to keep your children from a loving grandfather as long as he views his adult material in his own home, in private.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married in a few months. It's the second time around for both of us. Only our parents and children will attend.

We would like to send announcements to the rest of the family afterward to share our joy, but we worry that it might be considered a bid for gifts.

Is there a proper way to put something like "No gifts, please" on the announcements? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN RENO

DEAR WANTS: Wedding announcements carry no obligation regarding gifts -- and no reference should be made to gifts when sharing your happy news. If you are contacted and asked about gifts, that is the time to verbally state that no gifts are necessary or expected.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Distancing in Washington" wrote that after 10 years of marriage and two daughters, she and her spouse are on the verge of divorce. You recommended Marriage Encounter.

Abby, her difficulty appears to be a bit beyond the scope of Marriage Encounter. Marriage Encounter is for marriages in good shape looking to improve.

I suggest she check into Retrouvaille.org. This international program was developed in 1976 by Marriage Encounter couples in Quebec, Canada, for the purpose of addressing serious marriage problems. Let me give you an analogy: Marriage Encounter is a "tune-up" for marriages NOT in crisis. Retrouvaille is an overhaul for marriages in danger of falling apart.

Retrouvaille places strong emphasis on the communications techniques needed to repair hurting marriages, including 12 post-weekend sessions of about two hours each. My wife and I have been involved in both programs. (All the people involved in Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille are volunteers.) The steps in Marriage Encounter are romance, disillusionment and joy. In Retrouvaille, the steps are romance, disillusionment, misery and hope. -- G.H. FROM ARIZONA

DEAR G.H.: Thank you for straightening me out. I would like to add that although Retrouvaille is a program under the umbrella of the Catholic Church, Catholic theology is NOT part of the program and a couple's religion (or lack of religion) is never a factor -- nor is anyone's financial status.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Distancing in Washington" said that she is no longer attracted to her husband and that her two beautiful daughters come first before anything. Her problem may be that her priorities are out of order.

Children should be a welcome addition to the family -- not the center of it. She and her spouse need to make a date once a week to focus on each other and remember the reasons they married. Children eventually leave -- if you do your job right. -- READER IN CORAOPOLIS, PA.

DEAR READER: I agree.

DEAR ABBY: My blood froze when I read the letter from "Distancing in Washington." She should run with her husband to their doctor and ask for a complete physical exam with blood work. If he won't go, she should talk with his doctor.

My kind and gentle husband of 10 years sat me down a week ago and told me he's addicted to pain pills and has been for three years. (His doctor had prescribed them to control chronic back pain.) Her letter scared me because that is how it all started in my marriage -- with fights, loss of affection and physical contact. My friendly, well-educated, hardworking husband slowly turned into a withdrawn, exhausted stranger who snapped at the kids, ignored me and couldn't keep a job.

I thought he was depressed, tired, getting old and no longer in love with me. Now I find that he has a terrible addiction. Please urge "Distancing" to seek help now -- before she is in my position. I am hanging on by my fingernails hoping my wonderful husband will reappear out of the wreckage. -- KNOWS BETTER NOW IN MAINE

DEAR KNOWS BETTER: Thank you for the reminder that changes in personality can indicate that something is medically wrong and should be brought to the attention of one's physician. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your husband's recovery.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Dick," moved in with me, into a home I have owned for 13 years. A year later, he accepted a job in a city two hours away. (There were no jobs in this area.) Dick lives in an apartment there during the week. We were later married.

The other day we went shopping, and I bought a decorator accessory for the house. Dick didn't like the color and became very angry at me.

The house is in my name only. Dick does not contribute to the house or its upkeep. He uses all the supplies in the house and never offers to pay for expenses. He gives me a check every month for less than half the utilities. Meanwhile, he earns a good salary and contributes to a 401(k).

Abby, Dick doesn't live here most of the week, despite my urging him to find a job that's closer. I am paying for most of the expenses for the house even though I'm battling cancer. I feel he has no right to complain. Which one of us is right? -- FRUSTRATED DECORATOR

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your marital problems go far beyond a disagreement about a decorator item. It appears your husband is not fully committed to the marriage, as demonstrated by his failure to support you financially or emotionally during your illness. It's time to reach a meeting of the minds and hearts about his job, your finances and your future together. A giant step in the right direction would be to consult a marriage counselor. Your physician can refer you to one. If your husband refuses to go, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old wife, mother of two small children and caregiver to my mother. My husband has asked me to consider relocating to a distant state so he can advance in his career. I have no problem with it. I know I can start a life there, and I believe in supporting my husband.

The problem is Mom. She's confined to oxygen and is unable to enjoy the life she once knew. Nobody visits her. She just sits in her room, claiming to be too sick to do anything. When I told her we'd had a discussion about moving, Mom became extremely upset. I told her we love her, that she's a valued member of our family, and we would want her to come with us.

Mom says it's wrong of me to even ask such a thing of her. She says she's so hurt she feels like she has been kicked in the stomach. I should add she has panic attacks due to traveling. I have talked to her about everything we will do to ensure her safety and comfort. My husband is growing resentful of her. I have begged her to be open-minded, but she's very negative. What should I do? -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Get your mother's doctor involved. She needs counseling, and possibly medication for depression and her panic attacks. While you're talking to the doctor, inquire about what arrangements can be made if your mother chooses to remain where she is.

Since you have already invited your mother to go with you, the choice where she wants to live is now hers. She could live for years -- and her health should not determine your husband's career choices.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)