DEAR ABBY: "Distancing in Washington" wrote that after 10 years of marriage and two daughters, she and her spouse are on the verge of divorce. You recommended Marriage Encounter.

Abby, her difficulty appears to be a bit beyond the scope of Marriage Encounter. Marriage Encounter is for marriages in good shape looking to improve.

I suggest she check into Retrouvaille.org. This international program was developed in 1976 by Marriage Encounter couples in Quebec, Canada, for the purpose of addressing serious marriage problems. Let me give you an analogy: Marriage Encounter is a "tune-up" for marriages NOT in crisis. Retrouvaille is an overhaul for marriages in danger of falling apart.

Retrouvaille places strong emphasis on the communications techniques needed to repair hurting marriages, including 12 post-weekend sessions of about two hours each. My wife and I have been involved in both programs. (All the people involved in Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille are volunteers.) The steps in Marriage Encounter are romance, disillusionment and joy. In Retrouvaille, the steps are romance, disillusionment, misery and hope. -- G.H. FROM ARIZONA

DEAR G.H.: Thank you for straightening me out. I would like to add that although Retrouvaille is a program under the umbrella of the Catholic Church, Catholic theology is NOT part of the program and a couple's religion (or lack of religion) is never a factor -- nor is anyone's financial status.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Distancing in Washington" said that she is no longer attracted to her husband and that her two beautiful daughters come first before anything. Her problem may be that her priorities are out of order.

Children should be a welcome addition to the family -- not the center of it. She and her spouse need to make a date once a week to focus on each other and remember the reasons they married. Children eventually leave -- if you do your job right. -- READER IN CORAOPOLIS, PA.

DEAR READER: I agree.

DEAR ABBY: My blood froze when I read the letter from "Distancing in Washington." She should run with her husband to their doctor and ask for a complete physical exam with blood work. If he won't go, she should talk with his doctor.

My kind and gentle husband of 10 years sat me down a week ago and told me he's addicted to pain pills and has been for three years. (His doctor had prescribed them to control chronic back pain.) Her letter scared me because that is how it all started in my marriage -- with fights, loss of affection and physical contact. My friendly, well-educated, hardworking husband slowly turned into a withdrawn, exhausted stranger who snapped at the kids, ignored me and couldn't keep a job.

I thought he was depressed, tired, getting old and no longer in love with me. Now I find that he has a terrible addiction. Please urge "Distancing" to seek help now -- before she is in my position. I am hanging on by my fingernails hoping my wonderful husband will reappear out of the wreckage. -- KNOWS BETTER NOW IN MAINE

DEAR KNOWS BETTER: Thank you for the reminder that changes in personality can indicate that something is medically wrong and should be brought to the attention of one's physician. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your husband's recovery.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Dick," moved in with me, into a home I have owned for 13 years. A year later, he accepted a job in a city two hours away. (There were no jobs in this area.) Dick lives in an apartment there during the week. We were later married.

The other day we went shopping, and I bought a decorator accessory for the house. Dick didn't like the color and became very angry at me.

The house is in my name only. Dick does not contribute to the house or its upkeep. He uses all the supplies in the house and never offers to pay for expenses. He gives me a check every month for less than half the utilities. Meanwhile, he earns a good salary and contributes to a 401(k).

Abby, Dick doesn't live here most of the week, despite my urging him to find a job that's closer. I am paying for most of the expenses for the house even though I'm battling cancer. I feel he has no right to complain. Which one of us is right? -- FRUSTRATED DECORATOR

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your marital problems go far beyond a disagreement about a decorator item. It appears your husband is not fully committed to the marriage, as demonstrated by his failure to support you financially or emotionally during your illness. It's time to reach a meeting of the minds and hearts about his job, your finances and your future together. A giant step in the right direction would be to consult a marriage counselor. Your physician can refer you to one. If your husband refuses to go, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old wife, mother of two small children and caregiver to my mother. My husband has asked me to consider relocating to a distant state so he can advance in his career. I have no problem with it. I know I can start a life there, and I believe in supporting my husband.

The problem is Mom. She's confined to oxygen and is unable to enjoy the life she once knew. Nobody visits her. She just sits in her room, claiming to be too sick to do anything. When I told her we'd had a discussion about moving, Mom became extremely upset. I told her we love her, that she's a valued member of our family, and we would want her to come with us.

Mom says it's wrong of me to even ask such a thing of her. She says she's so hurt she feels like she has been kicked in the stomach. I should add she has panic attacks due to traveling. I have talked to her about everything we will do to ensure her safety and comfort. My husband is growing resentful of her. I have begged her to be open-minded, but she's very negative. What should I do? -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Get your mother's doctor involved. She needs counseling, and possibly medication for depression and her panic attacks. While you're talking to the doctor, inquire about what arrangements can be made if your mother chooses to remain where she is.

Since you have already invited your mother to go with you, the choice where she wants to live is now hers. She could live for years -- and her health should not determine your husband's career choices.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Today marks the 228th year since the Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Second Continental Congress in Philadelphia.

The resolution for the Declaration was introduced June 7, 1776, by Richard Henry Lee.

Do you know who seconded the motion? John Adams -- who would later become our second U.S. president.

Any idea how many states he was president of? (I confess, I had to call the public library to find out.) There were only 16 when John Adams took office.

Do you know who wrote our Declaration of Independence? A committee of five. Thomas Jefferson is credited with writing most of it, assisted by John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Robert R. Livingston and Roger Sherman.

And was it enthusiastically adopted? Heck, no! The Congress "suggested" a number of changes -- and you can imagine how poor Jefferson felt about that. (About the same as any author who has to report to an editor.) Do you care to know how many changes were made by the "tweakers"? Eighty-six. (It makes one wonder if that's where the term "eighty-sixed" -- slang for someone or something ejected or rejected -- originated.)

The Lee-Adams Resolution of Independence was adopted on July 2, 1776. The Declaration, which gives the details of the resolution, was adopted on the evening of July 4.

So why don't we celebrate on July 2? Beats me -- Happy Fourth of July one and all!

Readers, as you and I celebrate our freedom, won and secured by members of our military over the years, let's remember our troops in Iraq and around the world who risk their safety every day on our behalf. Send messages of appreciation and support via www.OperationDearAbby.net. Trust me, they will be received with gratitude.

DEAR ABBY: What is wrong with men that they don't have the energy to pick up a phone when they're going to be late and let their wives (or girlfriends) know? After an hour we get anxious; after two, we get worried.

After three hours had passed with no word from my husband, I called the police. They assured me that there had been no accidents in the area. I considered asking them if they would be willing to arrest my husband for causing so much worry and making me look like such a fool for having called them.

We women are equally to blame. As soon as we find out that everything's OK, our hearts melt with relief and we forgive them on the spot. I need to know how to stay angry long enough to let my husband know this is unacceptable behavior. Hello! There are pay phones all over the place. You men can let us know what's going on at any time. -- KAREN IN LILY DALE, N.Y.

DEAR KAREN: I don't blame you for being miffed. Three hours is a long time to wonder if a loved one is dead, injured or simply inconsiderate.

I have another idea. Rather than "staying angry," give your darling a cell phone. Then if he's more than a half-hour late, instead of calling the police -- call HIM.

DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old daughter recently told me that my ex-husband is being married on a trip to Hawaii. Is it appropriate for me to congratulate him since he has not mentioned the engagement to me? We only speak when he's calling on the phone for our daughter. -- PUZZLED ABOUT "EX" ETIQUETTE

DEAR PUZZLED: By all means congratulate him and wish him luck. And when you do, tell him that good news travels fast.

CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 86th birthday to the sweetest mother in the world. You are my example and my inspiration, and I love you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)