DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in three months, and through pure coincidence it turns out that one of my cousins is being married the same day. We're not close, as she was very competitive with me while we were growing up.

Her wedding will take place in the morning. I'm having an afternoon wedding with an evening reception. I assumed she wouldn't be able to make it to my reception because she'd be exhausted and want to spend time with her new husband.

Well, I just received an e-mail from her saying she wants to attend. Ordinarily, that would thrill me. However, the catch is, she says there won't be enough time to change, so she wants to wear her bridal gown to my reception.

I think this is terribly rude. I mean, how long does it take to change? Am I being petty, and if not, what can I say to her? -- FRUSTRATED BRIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Although the rules regarding proper attire for wedding guests have become more flexible in recent years, it is still unacceptable for a guest to wear a bridal gown to someone else's reception. Tell your cousin that you will "understand" if she's a few minutes late to your reception, so she can change, and that she and her new husband should quietly seat themselves when they arrive.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 31, divorced and female. My marriage ended four years ago. I haven't dated much since.

When I least expected it, a wonderful man I'll call Tony walked into my life. He was everything I wanted and more. He treated me the way I deserved to be treated and seemed to like me a lot. I fell for him hard.

A short time later, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship. I was crushed but continued to see him. We dated for about two years and there were still no serious feelings on his part. Then, all of a sudden, he hit me with the news that he had fallen in love with someone else. I was floored! He had said he didn't want a serious relationship.

I can't seem to get over him. Every time I try, Tony calls me and wants to hook up. His new girlfriend will be moving here soon from another state, yet he still calls and wants to hook up with me. How can I let go and move on? I still love him. -- CAN'T LET GO

DEAR CAN'T: Let me explain something. When Tony said he didn't want a serious relationship, he meant with YOU. Wake up and smell the coffee. You are being used. The sooner you can recognize that fact, the sooner you'll be able to let go and say no.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been having some problems. He has this female friend who wants him to date her. I told her no, it isn't going to happen, but she won't leave him alone. We're trying to plan our wedding, but she keeps getting in our way. What should I do? -- SPITTING NAILS IN WHITEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR SPITTING NAILS: Nothing. The female friend isn't getting the message because the wrong person is doing the talking. If your boyfriend is serious about marrying you, HE should be the one to inform her that his feelings for her are strictly platonic. Please suggest it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am about 70 pounds overweight. When I try to diet I just give up. I feel like crying every night because of the way I look. The older I get, the more concerned I am about my weight problem, but I can't help myself.

I'm not dating anyone, and my so-called "friend" said it's because I am so ugly.

I am also kind of scared that I'll wind up dead because of my weight, but I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm sad and I eat because I'm happy. I joined an athletic program at school. All it did was help me lose a little bit of weight -- not much.

What can I do to feel better about myself and become more healthy? I don't want to die. -- SCARED AND SAD FAT GIRL

DEAR SCARED AND FAT: Stop beating yourself up. You have a weight problem, but you're not alone. So do millions of other people. Give yourself a pat on the back. You have already taken the first important step in overcoming your problem. You joined an athletic program, which is important to your long-term health. An added bonus is that it helps to burn calories.

Now it's time to make an appointment with your physician so he or she can recommend a sensible weight-loss program. Once that's established, go to your phone directory and check the listings for Overeaters Anonymous. OA is a self-help group that has been around for more than 40 years, with more than 8,000 chapters in 50 countries. You will be welcomed with open arms into a fellowship of compassionate women, men and young people who share a common problem. It charges no dues or fees, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively.

Allow me to quote from a letter I printed in 1999 from a member of Overeaters Anonymous:

"Before I found OA at age 19, I had failed at every diet I tried. I wasn't able to stop shoving food down my throat. Back then, I could easily consume eight candy bars, a pint of ice cream and half a pizza in one sitting. ... My emotional state was equally tortured.

"I lost 45 pounds, Abby, but more important, I have kept it off for more than 18 years. One of my closest friends lost 102 pounds through OA and has kept it off for nearly two years. My sponsor, who guides me through the program, lost 250 pounds and has kept it off for 27 years. I'm not making it up.

"Incredibly, I don't miss the foods I used to wolf down. I eat nothing sweeter than fresh fruit, and I haven't been plagued by the relentless cravings I used to suffer. OA changed the way I relate emotionally to food. I love life now, and often can't wait to get up in the morning."

"Sad and Scared," jump-start your diet by jettisoning the so-called "friend" you mentioned in your letter. With that kind of negative influence in your life, it's no wonder you turned to food for comfort. If you have trouble locating an OA chapter near you, visit the Web site, www.overeatersanonymous.org, or send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to OA World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, NM 87174-4020. You'll be glad you did.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to be married in six months. My fiance, "Ken," has presented me with a prenuptial agreement. We have been together for 5 1/2 years. I am 35 years old, and this may be my only shot at having my own family. I love Ken and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I have shown the agreement to two attorneys. Both told me that it is one-sided. If the marriage should end I will not be entitled to anything, and I will be nothing more than a live-in girlfriend. I am so confused. I tried to discuss it with Ken, but he is very stubborn about the wording and insists that it should remain.

I have no one to confide in because I don't want my family and friends to know. Please help me. -- EMBARRASSED IN STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: A man who loves the woman he's about to marry should be willing to ensure that she is treated fairly. You should not be faced with being penniless if the marriage doesn't work out.

Unless a compromise can be worked out that is fair to both of you, you should not go through with the marriage. Your legal counsel should be negotiating with his legal counsel, and the two of you should remain above the fray.

While we're on the subject of legal documents, read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please remind your readers to be certain their estates are in order. One of my neighbors, "Graham," has been hospitalized twice for serious problems. After the first incident, I tried to convince Graham and his wife, "Carolyn," to make a Living Will and a Living Trust. Graham was all for it; Carolyn didn't want to take the necessary steps. Evidently, his vote didn't count because nothing was done.

Now Carolyn is in the hospital. Her illness is serious. Neither of them is covered in the eventuality of death. This means the survivor will have to go through probate -- a costly journey. Their home is not in joint survivorship, so that will go through probate, too.

It doesn't matter how much a person owns. Everyone needs, at the very least, a will and a Living Will. -- CONCERNED FRIEND

DEAR CONCERNED: How true. In recent weeks, I have lost two friends, both with no warning. The first to die was a beautiful woman in the prime of life. She was in the best of health until an infection suddenly overwhelmed her. Who thinks about mortality in the prime of life? She didn't, and now her survivors have a headache on top of their heartache.

The second was a gentleman I had known for more than 20 years. He carried my name in his wallet as the person to notify in case of an emergency. He was taken to the hospital by ambulance one afternoon and instructed the doctors and nurses not to notify me or his family because he was sure he'd be home within a few days. Then he slipped into a coma. He had talked to me about how he wanted his estate distributed in the event something happened to him -- but he never put it in writing. By the time the government and the lawyers get finished with it, there will be little left for the people he loved.

What I'm trying to convey is that we're all going to go. And few can predict exactly how or when. So unless you want your hard-earned assets sold to pay death taxes and estate lawyers, make a will. Unless you want strangers or emotionally stressed relatives determining what will happen to you if you're too sick to speak for yourself, make a LIVING will. The choice is yours. Personally, I'd rather stipulate.

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