DEAR ABBY: I am a male, retired from a major West Coast law enforcement agency. I generally agree with your advice, but I have a mega-problem with your answer to "Needs an Answer," the lady whose hubby, "Cliff," is incarcerated. She asked what to say when people she meets ask where her husband is.

You advised her to tell people they are having a "trial separation." Sorry, Abby, but a lie is a lie no matter how you package it. You should have told the lady to tell the truth. -- BLOWN AWAY IN MAUI

DEAR BLOWN AWAY: The fact that a relative is in prison isn't something that some families want to publicize. While many are open about the fact that a family member is incarcerated -- and it is probably healthier to be up-front about it -- not all are willing to be. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Needs to Know's" children must be able to talk about their father and be proud of him without worrying about what other people think. Their mother should set the tone for this. What is important is their relationship with their father, not what the neighbors think. Keeping secrets and behaving as though their dad is someone to be ashamed of will only hurt her boys in the long run.

That woman needs to forget what everyone else may think, and say and do whatever is the most healing for her children. A family therapist may be able to help the family navigate through their discomfort and allow the boys to feel good about him -- regardless of the reason he is in jail. -- DEALT WITH IT IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEALT WITH IT: Your suggestion of a family therapist is a good one. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Rod," is also in prison, and I, too, often feel uncomfortable revealing his whereabouts. I usually say he's an optician living in Southern California. (He is, having received his certificate while in prison.)

When I confide in a close friend or colleague where he actually is, people are usually understanding (and curious). But I've never experienced any criticism or negativity. After almost 10 years, it still hurts to talk about it. But knowing my son has made progress in his rehabilitation helps to ease the pain. -- JOAN IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR JOAN: Your son was wise to make the most of the time he has spent in prison. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband is serving 15 years to life. Although shame and guilt are normal reactions, they can be harmful to the family of an inmate. The isolation that comes from living a lie only causes more harm in the long run. We tried it.

A better approach is to be honest, reach out to people and admit how painful it is. Once we did, we found that many other families in our area also have a loved one behind bars. The ridicule and scorn we expected never happened. Instead we were supported and encouraged. -- DIANE IN AUBURNDALE, FLA.

DEAR DIANE: I agree that living a lie is unhealthy. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. There are ministries and programs whose mission is to help the families of prisoners. One which has been mentioned in this column before is the Osborne Association, which offers a list of resources online at www.osborneny.org. Also available from the National Institute of Corrections is a printable version of its "Directory of Programs Serving Families of Adult Offenders," at www.nicic.org/pubs/2002/017081.pdf.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I live in a small town and attend a local high school that has about 1,400 students. In the last three years, there have been an outrageous number of student deaths. It has become so common that the student body is no longer shocked.

We have lost a student who was run down by a drunk driver, two were murdered in drive-by shootings, two drowned in boating accidents, one died in a car accident that was triggered by an aneurysm, another dropped dead during class due to an undisclosed medical condition, and three others died in car accidents. Three days ago two more students were in a car wreck that left both in critical condition.

Has our school fallen under a terrible curse? We have suffered enough. There is only so much grief one school can handle. Please, Abby, tell me what can be done to lift the spirits of the students. -- GRIEVING IN LOUISIANA

DEAR GRIEVING: The first thing to do is recognize that their feelings (and yours) are normal. To be confronted with the fact that life isn't infinite at your tender age can be shocking. It is normal to be sad, angry, confused and frightened when someone close to you dies.

Everyone must cope with the reality of death in his or her own way. A giant step in that direction would have been for the principal of your school to have brought counselors to the campus to help the students work through their grief. Writing letters to the parents of the students who died is another way to get your feelings out, and the parents would treasure them.

A memorial to your deceased classmates might help the rest of you to move on -- a mural, a garden, something tangible to ensure they will not be forgotten. Please consider it if you haven't already done so.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old woman with AIDS. Before I was diagnosed, I worked -- usually as a secretary -- in various parts of the country. I had no problem finding work. Then my health deteriorated, and I wasn't able to work for a long time. Recently I was given new medications and I'm now healthier than I have been in a decade.

I am able to work and want to get off disability, but I now have a 10-year gap in my work history. If I mention the reason on a job application, I'm afraid no one will hire me. I could lie and say I was "staying home with the children," but I don't have any children.

Can you advise me on how to handle this? -- WANTS TO WORK IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR WANTS TO WORK: Certain questions are illegal in the job hiring process, including a person's general medical condition, state of health or illness, and/or physical or mental disabilities. You are not legally required to discuss your health. If you are asked, you are within your rights to say that you didn't work for personal reasons.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl and haven't had my period for almost five months. What does that mean? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN MIAMI

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: There could be several reasons for it. However, the person to determine the cause should be your doctor. Please do not wait to discuss the problem with him or her. Ask your mother to schedule an appointment and accompany you. It will put your concerns to rest.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A couple of months ago, I suffered a heart attack. It happened one morning while I was getting ready for work. I felt a lot of pressure in my chest and thought it was indigestion. I sat down for a few minutes, thinking it would pass -- but then I broke out in a cold sweat and became very nauseated.

My husband took one look at me and insisted we go straight to the emergency room. When we arrived, they gave me some tests and told me I was having a heart attack. I couldn't believe it. Like many women, I thought heart attacks happened only to men.

I didn't know that women can have entirely different symptoms than men. My ignorance could have killed me.

Abby, please urge women over the age of 40 who have a relative who has suffered a heart attack at an early age, or women being medicated for high blood pressure or cholesterol, to talk to their doctors about their risk for heart attacks.

Recognizing the symptoms could save their lives. -- LUCKY SURVIVOR IN DELAWARE

DEAR LUCKY: Thank you for the heads-up. According to the American Heart Association, coronary heart disease kills an estimated 250,000 women of all ages and ethnicities every year.

While some heart attacks are sudden and intense, like the kind portrayed in the movies where the person gasps, clutches his chest and falls to the ground, the symptoms in women are often far more subtle.

The May 2004 issue of the Mayo Clinic Health Letter had an eye-opening item on this subject. It related that a recent survey of more than 500 female heart attack sufferers had shown their warning signs were often not pain-related.

"More than 70 percent of those surveyed reported feeling unusual fatigue. Other ... symptoms included sleep disturbance, shortness of breath, indigestion and anxiety.

"The majority of the women reported they experienced these warning signs for more than one month before their heart attack, suggesting the symptoms were related to a heart problem.

"Less than 30 percent ... experienced chest discomfort before their heart attacks. Those who did described it as aching, tightness or pressure -- not pain. In addition, only 57 percent reported chest discomfort during their actual heart attacks. They were more likely to experience shortness of breath, weakness and fatigue.

"The absence of chest pain may be a reason why some women don't recognize the symptoms of a heart attack or are misdiagnosed when they seek medical care."

For those who may not know it, heart disease is the No. 1 killer of women. That's why it is so important that women discuss heart disease with their doctors.

The American Heart Association has a risk-reduction program for women. To join, call 888-694-3278. Simple lifestyle changes can help us avoid having a heart attack. So make the call. It could save your life.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)