DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman in need of help. I used to live at my grandmother's house with my younger sisters and my parents. My father hasn't worked since I was born. My mom managed a local flower shop and made good money, but she was fired two years ago after she started using cocaine with Dad and her boss found out.

My grandma and my 19-year-old sister take care of my 12- and 14-year-old sisters because our parents are broke. To make matters worse, my uncle, "Ralph," moved here from Florida last year and now lives at my grandma's. Uncle Ralph has a jail record and is verbally and physically abusive to Grandma and to my sisters' cats and dogs. The police have been called, but they can't do anything unless Grandma says she wants him out. The thing is, she's terrified of him. She told my sister she wishes he would leave, but she's too scared to tell him.

Abby, Uncle Ralph is the reason I moved out. How can I get him out of that house, and how can I get my parents help for their drug problem? Most of my money goes to help out with my sisters. I need a car and I'd like to go back to college, but I can't until this burden is lifted off my shoulders. I suffer anxiety attacks from worrying about this. Please help! -- ANXIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DAR ANXIOUS: You may not like this message, but you need to hear it. You are not Wonder Woman, and you have placed far too much responsibility on your own shoulders. You are focusing so hard on other people's problems that you have forgotten to take care of yourself.

Isn't it time that your grandmother and parents took responsibility for themselves? You have already helped them as much as you can -- more than anyone can reasonably expect. There's a reason why airline passengers are instructed that in an emergency they must first place the oxygen masks over their own faces, and THEN over the faces of their dependents. It's so they don't all black out at once.

My advice is to contact Al-Anon and learn how to separate other people's problems from your own. Get back in school and get counseling through the student health center. Once you are out of school and established financially, then you will be in a stronger position to help your siblings.

DEAR ABBY: I was brutally raped a few months ago by a man I had thought was kind and gentle. Afterward, I learned that he had also been violently abusive to his ex-wife and former girlfriend.

He's in jail for now, but I will have to testify against him in court soon, and I'm scared to death.

Everyone tells me to be brave and speak out, but I just want to put this all behind me. It keeps preying on my mind, and I'm frightened at night when I'm home alone. I'm afraid I'll never feel safe again. I have these nightmares that he escapes and beats me to death. Did I do the wrong thing when I reported him? -- FRIGHTENED IN IDAHO

DEAR FRIGHTENED: No, you did the right thing. Permit me to add my voice to the chorus of those urging you to be brave and testify. By standing up for yourself, you will also heal yourself. However, you should also be receiving support from a rape crisis center during this difficult time. And when you go to court, you should have a victim's advocate by your side. Pick up the phone and call (800) 656-4673. It's the toll-free number of the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. They will guide you to the help you need.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter you received from "Lost in Alabama," a former foster child who had lived in an emergency shelter for seven months before being placed in a foster home for the week before she turned 18. The girl was allowed to call the shelter for a short time before finally being asked not to call anymore and told to "move on with her life."

You wisely advised her to contact the YWCA. YWCA associations offer a variety of services, and many of them provide transitional housing programs. The girl from Alabama can learn about resources provided by her local YWCA by going to the Web site at www.ywca.org.

Since passage of the Foster Care Independence Act in 1999, more assistance is available to this population. This legislation allowed states to extend Medicaid coverage up to age 21; permits youth to save money while in care to prepare for independence without their assets counting against their eligibility for foster care funding; provides funding to states for initial and ongoing training of foster parents; and created the Chafee Foster Care Independence Program. This program increased funding to states for independent living activities and offers increased assistance for room and board.

Youth should contact their state's foster care system to get more information about resources. If they have trouble navigating the system, the Child Welfare League of America may be able to assist: www.cwla.org. -- KELLY BELL-McGLOTHAN, YWCA OF FORT WORTH/TARRANT COUNTY

DEAR KELLY: Since that letter ran, I have been told that nearly 25,000 young people "age out" of the foster care system each year -- and few, if any of them, have the necessary skills to live on their own. I congratulate you for the work you are doing with this underserved population. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Lost" and all other teens in foster care should reach out and ask for help. They don't have to wait until they are 18 to do it. Teens in foster care need adults to step forward and help them reach their goals.

Agencies that can refer young people to help in their local communities include the local CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) programs and Foster Parent Associations. A good online resource is Foster Club (www.fosterclub.com). Casey Family Programs also has a set of self-directed planning tools for youth at its Web site: www.casey.org/Resources/Tools/CaseyLifeSkills.htm. -- JANIS AVERY, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, TREEHOUSE, SEATTLE

DEAR JANIS: Thank you for sharing these valuable resources. Several other caring readers also pointed out that Job Corps helps youth between the ages of 16 and 24. Young people can live on-site for up to two years while working on their education and job-training skills. They receive free room, board, medical and dental care in addition to counseling and a small stipend. The Web site is www.jobcorps.org and the toll-free number is (800) 733-5627.

Additional resources for young people in need of assistance include Catholic Charities and the Orphan Foundation of America, which also helps youth in the foster care system. The Orphan Foundation can be reached at www.orphan.org or by calling (571) 203-0270.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Today is Memorial Day, and I am again asking for your help in encouraging your readers to join in the National Moment of Remembrance.

All Americans, wherever they are at 3 p.m. local time, are asked to pause for a moment of reflection on Memorial Day to honor those who have died for our country.

The National Moment of Remembrance is not a ceremony. It does not replace traditional Memorial Day events. It's an act of conscience and heart, respect and appreciation. It can be a simple gesture -- such as placing your hand over your heart or ringing a bell.

This year, the White House Commission on Remembrance, with the support of the National Association for Music Education, Bugles Across America and the Getzen Instrument Co., are inviting trumpet players across the country to play "Taps" at 3 p.m. on Memorial Day for the Moment's "Echoes of Remembrance" throughout America. (Visit www.remember.gov for more information.)

The goal is to put "memorial" back into Memorial Day, because a Gallup poll indicated that only 28 percent of American citizens realize the true meaning of this holiday. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE

DEAR CARMELLA: I'm pleased to pass along your message.

Readers, since our nation was founded, almost 2 million men and women have given their lives to defend the principles for which our country stands. On this day, of all days, their noble sacrifices should be remembered and acknowledged. Please join me at 3 p.m. in giving them the heartfelt tribute they deserve.

DEAR ABBY: I am happily married; my husband, "Jim," would do anything for me.

There is only one problem. I think I am insane. I have no valid reason to think he's cheating on me and he assures me he's not, but I make up scenarios in my head. They escalate to the point where I accuse him, and he looks at me like I'm nuts. He asks why I would think he cheats and swears that he'd never do that to me.

An example: Today we went out to eat with his family. His sister brought a friend along. She introduced her to all of us. I was introduced as Jim's wife, of course.

Jim and I met his sister's friend at the same time. They didn't talk to each other or even look at each other all day. Jim held my hand, hugged me, and was as loving as always.

All the while, I was cooking up ideas in my head like: Maybe he goes over to his sister's house and sees her, and they're not talking to each other because they don't want me to get suspicious.

I have never been cheated on in my life by any man, yet I have been this way in all my serious relationships.

I am in my early 20s. I have a 5-year-old son, a husband I love, and yet I can't help accusing him of cheating. Even when he shaves, I think he's doing it for someone else.

Can you advise me what to do? -- POSSIBLY INSANE IN MISSOURI

DEAR POSSIBLY INSANE: My goodness. You certainly have an active fantasy life -- and all of it negative. Could you be watching too many soap operas? Did your father cheat on your mother? Whatever is going on, your thinking is self-defeating.

Since you know rationally that your problem is all in your head, the quickest way to figure out what's going on in there would be to ask your physician for a referral to a qualified psychotherapist. Please don't put it off, or your worst fears could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)