DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a couple of months. My biggest worry is that my sister, "Virginia," will do something to ruin my wedding day. She has never been able to handle not being the center of attention, and has caused more scenes and dropped more "bombshells" than I can count.

Some examples: Virginia announced her engagement to a man she had met two weeks earlier on Thanksgiving. She eloped with him on New Year's Eve -- then divorced him in a hurry so she could marry husband No. 2 in time for Valentine's Day. She has started screaming matches in the middle of Christmas dinners, and she and one of her boyfriends had a knock-down-drag-out fight at a relative's wedding reception that embarrassed our entire family.

I know Virginia's behavior stems from deep self-esteem issues and emotional problems, and I feel sorry for her. But honestly, I'd like to have just one drama-free family event where everyone enjoys themselves instead of waiting for the next bomb to drop.

Our parents are no help. Mother excuses everything Virginia does by saying, "We need to be more supportive of her and keep our mouths shut." My father copes by steering clear of the whole thing.

I am seriously considering eloping because I don't see any other way to avoid having Virginia attend my wedding. The sad part is, I will regret not having my parents, family and friends around me on my happy day. My fiance knows my sister is big trouble and says he'll support whatever decision I make. Any advice on how I can have my wedding cake and eat it, too? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN GEORGIA

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Have a private sisterly chat with Virginia and tell her your concerns, because it appears they are valid. Your sister may not be conscious of what she's been doing. That said, take the precaution of asking some of your relatives to escort her out if she starts a scene.

You and your fiance appear to be mutually supportive. I wish you every happiness on your wedding day.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of five sons, and I'm concerned about kids not getting the facts of life from their parents.

My husband thought that warning the boys "not to do it" was enough. So, while their dad was away, I sat each son down privately and gave him "the facts." I also spelled out exactly what his responsibilities would be.

I made it clear that if my son was having a sexual encounter, he was to ALWAYS use a condom -- even if the girl said she was on the pill or "safe." I told him that if he was too embarrassed to buy them himself, I would provide them.

I emphasized that by being careful and prepared, he and the girl could avoid a sexually transmitted disease or an unwanted pregnancy.

Abby, my five sons are now 21 to 31. None of them became a teenage parent.

Mothers, please don't leave "the talk" to your husband. Some fathers do an excellent job, but if you have one like mine, you owe it to your children (and their future mates and your future grandchildren) to keep these young people tuned in, safe and healthy. -- PROUD OF MY FIVE SONS

DEAR PROUD: You are a woman after my own heart -- an activist. You wisely opened an important dialogue with your sons, rather than risking that they'd get misinformation about this important subject from their peers. Other parents can learn from you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work in a large, open office with five other people. We all collaborate on the same projects. When our office was recarpeted, we rearranged our desks. I now sit next to a woman I'll call Ginger, who has one of the worst work ethics I have ever seen.

Ginger spends much of the day on personal e-mail, playing computer solitaire, taking frequent smoke breaks, sometimes even paying her bills and answering personal correspondence on company time. Our new supervisor is clueless about it.

On top of that, I recently heard Ginger lie to the supervisor about how she had so much work she couldn't complete an assignment.

Should I tell our supervisor about Ginger's work habits? Should I say something to Ginger? Thanks for your help, Abby -- it's been an awful burden. -- OLD-FASHIONED IN BOULDER

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Talk to the supervisor privately and tell him or her what you have told me. Say nothing to Ginger, because that's the supervisor's job -- and it will only cause resentment if you do. Many companies, as a matter of policy, check what their workers are doing online -- so your story can be verified. When one member of a team is a slacker, it places an unfair burden on co-workers.

DEAR ABBY: When my 11-year-old daughter takes her bath, my husband sits on the toilet and eats his dinner in the bathroom with her. I find his behavior questionable and have asked him repeatedly to allow her some privacy. Nonetheless, he continues to "assist her" in bathing by adding bath oil to the water, etc. Neither my husband nor my daughter thinks anything is wrong with this behavior -- so what can I do?

He also strokes her backside to lull her to sleep at night, although she is now in sixth grade.

Please advise quickly before this gets out of hand. --UNEASY ABOUT MY DAUGHTER(S)

P.S. I have another daughter who is younger.

DEAR UNEASY: Your husband's behavior is inappropriate. Your daughter is old enough to bathe without supervision and should do so. You didn't mention how physically developed she is, but she will soon be a young woman. Your husband's method of "lulling" her to sleep is also too stimulating for both of them.

Discuss this with your daughter's pediatrician. Since your husband refuses to listen to you, he should hear it from an expert in child health and development. If he still refuses, the doctor can -- and should -- report his behavior to the proper authorities.

DEAR ABBY: I have three children. My oldest child is only 10. My parents remember leaving me home alone at that age, but that was 24 years ago. I feel things are too dangerous these days.

Is there an age when I can leave them home alone and know that all is OK? -- CAUTIOUS MOM IN KANSAS

DEAR CAUTIOUS MOM: I'm sad to say that times have changed, and 10 is still too young. No child should be left alone unless he or she is big enough and sophisticated enough to fight off or elude an intruder, or handle other emergencies that might arise. If the children must be left, someone -- a teenage baby sitter, for instance -- should supervise.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Resentful in Illinois" described her husband as so obsessed with his cousin's little daughter that he acts as though she is his child -- saying he is "in withdrawal" if he doesn't see her often.

"Resentful" confided that she would love to have a child of her own and was hurt because her husband kept postponing it. She asked you if she was overreacting. You suggested that the child might really be her husband's.

Abby, you missed one other important possibility. "Resentful's" husband may be involved with that child in an inappropriate relationship. Statistics show that 80 percent of sexual abuse of children occurs in a relationship with someone the child, the mother and other family members trust.

"Resentful" should watch for any signs that the relationship has gone too far. If the husband is resistant to marriage counseling, it could be a red flag.

I am a pediatrician. I deal with some of these same situations in my medical practice. -- DISTURBED PHYSICIAN IN CINCINNATI

DEAR DISTURBED PHYSICIAN: Yours was one of several hundred letters and e-mails I received echoing the same suspicion. Although "Resentful in Illinois" wrote anonymously, I'm printing your letter because I thought she should see your take on the situation. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In your response to "Resentful in Illinois," you mentioned the man's excessive attachment to his niece. The child of his cousin is his "first cousin once removed," not his niece. -- MOLLY IN DENVER

DEAR MOLLY: Thank you for straightening out my genealogy terminology.

DEAR ABBY: "Sonia" and I have been married 10 years and have two young sons. Our marriage has been rocky for the last few years. Six months ago, I told her we had to get counseling -- which we did. After the second session she refused to go back. I suspect she realized that our counselor knew she was lying.

Sonia doesn't think I deserve a sex life. She picks arguments with me, and when I walk away she berates me. She seems to enjoy fighting in front of the children. She threatens me in front of them that she's going to "take everything," and I'll be left with nothing. I promise my boys repeatedly that I will never leave them.

Sonia has a part-time job. She refuses to work full time because if we split up, she "wouldn't get as much child support." Last week she told me the only reason she married me was because I made good money. Now I'm unable to work because of a back injury, and Sonia complains my disability check isn't enough to maintain the lifestyle she deserves.

Abby, I pay all the bills. I do most of the cooking and cleaning. My kids mean everything to me. I am not leaving my home, but living with Sonia is becoming more difficult by the day. Please give me some advice. -- TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MAINE

DEAR TROUBLED HUSBAND: You are married to a verbal abuser, a person with no regard for the emotional security and well-being of your children or for your feelings. It is now time to consider how destructive this kind of atmosphere is for the children. Since counseling hasn't worked, consult an attorney and thoroughly explore your options. However, before you do, carefully document exactly what your wife is doing and saying. Be sure to include dates and times. It will strengthen your case.

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