DEAR ABBY: My mother calls me every day to complain about my sister, with whom she has always fought. She goes on and on about her financial problems and lashes out at me when she's upset with other people.

I am only 20. I'm a full-time college student, have a full-time job, and I am deeply involved in a relationship.

I am trying to understand my mother's problems, but lately every time I hang up the phone after talking with her, I cry.

I am young and trying to learn how to handle my own problems. I don't think I can handle hers, too. I have tried explaining to her how I feel, but she refuses to listen.

My sister says I should hang up on Mother when she calls to complain, but I don't want to do that.

I've asked Mom to talk to Dad about her problems. They have been married 30 years. She says she doesn't want to stress him out. She doesn't realize the stress she puts on me.

I know my problem is small compared to most people, but in a few more years I'll be facing the harsh realities of life: mortgage, kids and bills. How can I ask Mom not to call me with her many complaints? -- STRESSED OUT BY MOM

DEAR STRESSED OUT: Your mother is using you like the valve on a pressure cooker. When her frustrations build up, she calls you to vent. I agree it would be better if she talked to your father about her problems, but you appear to be her dumping ground of choice.

Since you can't change her, you're going to have to change the way you react to her. Tell your father that you've reached your limit and it's time for him to intercede -- or tune her out when she starts dumping.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Mark," and I had dinner at our friends "Brian" and "Stephanie's" a few weeks ago. Several other couples joined us. Stephanie served the most delicious meal and everyone begged her for the recipes. She said every single one had come from your cookbooklet set. Stephanie said she'd had it for ages and wasn't sure if the ordering information was correct. Would you please tell me how I can get a set, because she also said the recipes were easy to follow and simple to make. I own a lot of cookbooks, Abby, but I can never get enough like that. -- LESLIE IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR LESLIE: I'm pleased your friends' party was a success. Over the years, many of those recipes were family favorites of ours. To order the set, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

The booklets are full of delectable recipes from appetizers through desserts. All the ingredients are simple, and the directions are a cinch to follow. Bon appetit!

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading one of your columns on why a woman could be president. Then, at the bottom, a woman signed "On the Spot in Tucson" asked what she should say when people ask her why she isn't married yet. You advised her, "Just tell the truth -- 'the right person hasn't asked me.'"

Why should she act like SHE can't ask a man to marry HER? Surely, if women can be president, women can ask men to marry them. Her answer should be, "I haven't met a man (or woman) I want to marry!" -- JOAN JACOBUS, MEMBER OF N.O.W.

DEAR JOAN: Not only can women ask men to marry them, but many do. However, the woman who wrote that letter asked because the question made her feel defensive, and your response might make a man feel like he wasn't worth considering. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was 44 before I married, and my wonderful husband was well worth the wait. When I was asked why I wasn't married, I used to say, "Just lucky, I guess." Sometime during my single years, I finally realized that if one isn't happy being single, he or she will not be happy being married either. That attitude prepared me for a husband, delightful adult stepchildren and beautiful grandchildren. -- CONTENT PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE

DEAR CONTENT: I couldn't agree with you more. You're a wise lady.

DEAR ABBY: I had a great-aunt who lived to be 91 and never married. Her response to that question was, "Because I never met a man who deserved to be as happy as I could make him!" -- KATHRYN C. IN CINCINNATI

DEAR KATHRYN C.: I think I know why no one ever popped the question.

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was plagued by that annoying and rude question. I had the following posted on my desk at work for inspiration:

I'M NOT MARRIED BECAUSE:

(1) You haven't asked me yet.

(2) Because I just love hearing people ask me that question.

(3) My fiance is waiting until after the parole is granted.

(4) I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

(5) I already have enough laundry to do, thank you!

(6) I'm afraid my parents would drop dead from sheer happiness.

(7) What? And lose all the money I've invested in personal ads?

(8) I'm married to my career -- although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

(9) If I married, I'd have to forfeit my $10 million trust fund. -- USED TO BE THERE TOO, SEATTLE

DEAR USED TO BE THERE TOO: The common thread that runs through your responses is humor. And it's better to respond with humor to some questions than to become defensive. I'm sure it's not a question that is intended as a putdown. In fact, more often than not it is a roundabout way of saying, "I'm surprised a person as attractive as you hasn't been snatched up." And that's a compliment.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and have been in many bad relationships. Every guy I have dated has been an addict, and some of them have been in jail. All of them were abusive.

Finally, I have met a decent man and I care for him a lot. The problem? I have a criminal record and haven't told him because I didn't want to scare him off.

If I tell him now, he will know I lied, and he has made it clear that he hates liars. So far, I have been able to avoid telling him about my past, but I won't be able to much longer, and I'll have to fill in the blanks.

What am I going to do? Should I tell the truth and face the consequences, which will probably mean losing him, or continue skirting the issue with lies? -- TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES IN TEXAS

DEAR TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES: Honesty is the best policy. Tell him now. The longer you wait, the more deceived he will feel. Explain that you kept silent because you were afraid you would lose him. It's the truth. He may not be thrilled with the news, but he will have to give you marks for wanting to set the record straight. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a self-employed contractor. We recently had to convert our home office into a bedroom for my son, so our "office" is now in our bedroom until we can add on to the house. My husband has a new client who thinks nothing of calling at 10 p.m. or later, and last night he sent a fax at 11:45! The ringing woke me and it took two hours to get back to sleep.

I want my husband to ask his clients not to call after 9 p.m. He thinks I'm being unreasonable, and he's embarrassed to admit that our office is in our bedroom. I don't think any explanations are necessary. What do you think? This issue is creating hard feelings. -- SLEEPLESS IN THE MOUNTAINS

DEAR SLEEPLESS: I have another idea. Most phones and faxes have switches that control the ringer volume. Turn them off when you go to bed, and you should be able to slumber like a baby. If yours do not have volume control, consider investing in ones that do.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "Invited but Can't Always Go," who is reluctant to allow her daughter to attend all the birthday parties to which she is invited because she can't afford to buy the gifts.

I suggest that the girl create a scrapbook of the event. She can take photos and collect memorabilia such as napkins, ribbons and wrapping paper for the scrapbook. She might use pieces of the wrapping paper as borders or corners for the pages, or "frames" for the photos she'll mount inside. She could also have each guest write a special note or birthday wish for the party child and include them.

In her card to the birthday child, she should include a note that says her gift will arrive in a week or so. I have done this for shower gifts, and they always become treasured keepsakes. -- ON THE CHEAP IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ON THE CHEAP: Treasured? I'm sure they are priceless! Thank you for a terrific idea.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)