DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to marry "Kurt" in August. He has a 3-year-old daughter, "Krystal," from his first marriage. We didn't meet until a month after his wife, "June," left him, so I'm not a home wrecker.

I moved in with Kurt several weeks after we began dating and have been cleaning his house, taking care of Krystal when she's here, doing his laundry, cooking for him -- just like a wife would do.

Abby, June doesn't want Krystal. She remarried six weeks ago and has asked us to take her. June's husband is loud, mean and abusive, so I don't think it would be safe for Krystal to stay there.

My problem is I can't stand Krystal. She's a spoiled brat. I don't want to be a full-time mother, although at some point I'd like to have a child of my own.

I haven't told Kurt how I feel because I'm afraid he'd kick me out. Now I'm wondering if I should tell him I'm leaving before he sends me on my way. I don't think we can work this out because he loves Krystal, and I don't think he'd understand why I don't want to be her stepmother. What should I do? -- UNWILLING STEPMOTHER IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNWILLING: Level with Kurt, the sooner the better. Unless you can accept that he and Krystal are a package deal and learn to love her, to marry him would be a mistake and a disservice to all of you. That little girl has already struck out once in the mother department. Kurt needs a wife who is ready to embrace not only him, but also the child who will always be a high priority in his life.

DEAR ABBY: Our 20-year-old daughter was suspended from a small private university. We offered her tutors, lessons or a transfer to any number of other schools around the country to help her find the right field of study. She refused. She can do the work; she was just not motivated.

She now wants to attend a large university in another state to be near her boyfriend. We suspect that they want to live together. He smokes dope and lives on welfare, and this is unacceptable to us.

She says she's finally finding her backbone and becoming independent. We told her that being independent means assuming financial responsibility for oneself, and that we will no longer provide anything beyond medical and dental coverage for her. She thinks we're cutting the purse strings on her new "college lifestyle" because we don't like her boyfriend, which is true.

Are we being unreasonable? Also, any advice on the fastest way to get that oaf out of the picture would be appreciated. -- MAD-AS-A-HORNET MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOM: Refusing to subsidize her "live-in" lifestyle is not being unreasonable. It's your money, and you can spend it -- or not -- as you see fit.

Let her know that as an adult, her choices are her own. If she chooses to get a job and work her way through school in order to be close to her boyfriend, that is her choice. It would be nice if she had a self-supporting, upwardly mobile love interest -- but since she doesn't, and she's determined to live with him, she must pay the price.

As to the fastest way to get "the oaf" out of the picture, here's what NOT to do: Do not bad-mouth him. It will only make her defensive and drive them closer together.

DEAR ABBY: Our 20-year-old daughter was suspended from a small private university. We offered her tutors, lessons or a transfer to any number of other schools around the country to help her find the right field of study. She refused. She can do the work; she was just not motivated.

She now wants to attend a large university in another state to be near her boyfriend. We suspect that they want to live together. He smokes dope and lives on welfare, and this is unacceptable to us.

She says she's finally finding her backbone and becoming independent. We told her that being independent means assuming financial responsibility for oneself, and that we will no longer provide anything beyond medical and dental coverage for her. She thinks we're cutting the purse strings on her new "college lifestyle" because we don't like her boyfriend, which is true.

Are we being unreasonable? Also, any advice on the fastest way to get that oaf out of the picture would be appreciated. -- MAD-AS-A-HORNET MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOM: Refusing to subsidize her "live-in" lifestyle is not being unreasonable. It's your money, and you can spend it -- or not -- as you see fit.

Let her know that as an adult, her choices are her own. If she chooses to get a job and work her way through school in order to be close to her boyfriend, that is her choice. It would be nice if she had a self-supporting, upwardly mobile love interest -- but since she doesn't, and she's determined to live with him, she must pay the price.

As to the fastest way to get "the oaf" out of the picture, here's what NOT to do: Do not bad-mouth him. It will only make her defensive and drive them closer together.

DEAR ABBY: "B.J. in Georgia" was seeking support from others who have had a permanent colostomy. He seemed down in the dumps. I'm here to say there is definitely life after such an operation.

I was operated on 20 years ago. I resumed riding my motorcycle a month afterward, and my exercise running program soon thereafter. At the time, I was directing the flight testing department for a major combat aircraft manufacturer, and flying F-16s on test flights. Within four months I was again flying the ultra-performance F-16s with no difficulty.

The permanent colostomy need not be a show-stopper or agent of great change in one's lifestyle. I'm now retired and lead an active life at 72, and yes, I'm still riding my motorcycle. -- PHIL IN FORT WORTH

DEAR PHIL: It would be an understatement to say that you qualify as a role model for B.J. and others facing this kind of surgery. I have been inundated with messages of support for him. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A permanent colostomy is not the end of the world. I am a strong believer that a person has two choices: Feel sorry for yourself and stop living, or get up, brush yourself off, and go back to what you were doing before the surgery. The latter course of action has worked well for me.

If B.J. can do something similar, he'll find that his surgery and colostomy will not greatly hinder his ability to live a good life. I hope that knowing he isn't the only one with this problem will be of help and comfort. -- "GLASS" IN EDMONDS, WASH.

DEAR "GLASS": You have a healthy outlook. Thank you for sharing your philosophy, because it can benefit B.J. and many more people who are coping with a variety of challenges.

DEAR ABBY: Please assure B.J. that he's not alone. My husband had an ostomy six years ago. Common sense, a desire to live, a loving and supportive family, an excellent surgeon and a good ostomy nurse at the hospital have helped tremendously. My husband swims with his shirt off at the beach, plays golf, hikes, travels, and has a full life in all respects. He isn't missing a thing, and neither am I -- and B.J. shouldn't either. -- NANCY IN ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR NANCY: I'm sure he won't. A reader named Lester in Milwaukee informed me that after his colostomy 27 years ago, he has played racquetball, lifted weights and hiked. It's a matter of attitude.

DEAR ABBY: The Wound, Ostomy and Continence Nurses (WOCN) Society is a professional specialty organization of nurses who treat individuals with wounds, ostomies and incontinence. Studies substantiate that when a WOC nurse specialist is involved with the care of patients with ostomies, everyone benefits.

We develop individualized rehabilitation plans to facilitate the patient's return to a productive lifestyle. We help to select the optimal stoma site, provide patient and family education and follow-up care, and promote rehabilitation.

Our Web site is www.wocn.org, and our phone number is (888) 224-9626 for those who would like more information. -- LAURIE McNICHOL, MSN, CWOCN, PRESIDENT

DEAR LAURIE: Thank you for the helpful information. Another excellent resource for information is the American Cancer Society: (800) 227-2345, or www.cancer.org.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old mother of four and have lived with "Arnold" for 18 years. Arnie has always promised he'd marry me "someday," and I believed him -- until last Valentine's Day.

Before Valentine's Day, I had been dropping hints about how romantic it would be if he proposed on that day. We found a sitter and he took me to a fancy restaurant for dinner. I was thrilled, because it was the first time we'd been out alone in a long time.

My heart was pounding all through dinner because I thought this would be the night. Arnie kept repeating how much he loved me -- something he has a hard time saying. But that's as far as it went! When we were walking to the car, I finally said, "You're not going to pop the question, are you?" He then removed a tiny ring from his pocket and said, "This is a promise ring. I promise to marry you -- someday."

I was devastated. It was as though we were teenagers and he was asking me to go steady. Arnie went on to add that he "wasn't ready" for marriage yet. Well, I don't think he'll EVER be ready!

Am I wrong to expect this man to make a legal commitment? For heaven's sake, we have four children together! We have been a couple for almost two decades. Brides are supposed to be young and pretty. I'm turning old and gray with every day that passes. Should I continue to hang onto the hope that Arnie will keep his "promise" -- or is it time to leave? -- MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN IN CANADA

DEAR MOTHER: You have been patient long enough. Arnold's promise was an empty one and an insult. If marriage is what you want, please don't wait until your grandchildren or great-grandchildren are old enough to be your flower girls and ring bearers. I recommend consulting an attorney to find out what your common-law rights are. You've put your money on the wrong horse.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl. My grandparents have raised me because my mom is a drug addict who couldn't take care of herself, much less me. Dad was an alcoholic and took drugs, too.

The police caught Mom with drugs several times and put her in jail. Her parole officer made her go to rehab, but it didn't work very well. She needed a place to stay when she got out, so my grandparents let her stay here for a while. They kicked her out when she came home high.

Mom works at a strip club now. It embarrasses me to have a mother who's a stripper, and we argue a lot when she comes by. She tells me my grandparents are to blame for what she does because they didn't let her live with them.

I hate the fights. But I hate even more the fear that someone may recognize her and think I'm like her. I'm not.

Should I ask my grandparents to move a long way away, so I won't have to worry? Or should I ask to be put in a foster home in another state, or what? -- ASHAMED IN OHIO

DEAR ASHAMED: None of the above. You are your own person, and you have done nothing for which you should be ashamed. Concentrate on your grades and extracurricular activities where your talents can shine. And if anyone mentions your mother, hold your head up and tell the person her problems are her own and you're living your own life. It's true.

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