DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Upset in Collegeville, Pa.," regarding the 15-year-old girl who wanted to get her belly button pierced. Your response included, "As long as the procedure is done hygienically, it shouldn't cause any damage."

I am a gynecologist. I have observed that navel piercings often cause significant permanent scarring, especially at the upper piercing site. These scars are far larger than one would expect. They can also be associated with darkening of the skin at the scar site, which makes them even more cosmetically unacceptable.

I can't explain why other piercings such as earlobes usually have no scarring while navel piercings often result in unsightly permanent scars. Anyone considering a belly button piercing should be aware of this potentially permanent problem. -- OREGON GYNECOLOGIST

DEAR OREGON GYNECOLOGIST: Thank you for writing. Although I live in Los Angeles, probably the navel-piercing capital of the United States, I cannot claim to have seen as many belly buttons "up close and personal" as you have, so I bow to your expertise. Many readers commented regarding that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I add a note to your response to the parents who agreed to let their daughter pierce her belly button, then changed their minds? I am 62 and still can't quite forgive my father for much the same thing. He was old-fashioned and wouldn't let my older sister drive. When I was 15, I begged to take driver's ed and get my license at 16. He agreed -- on the condition that I pay for the lessons myself.

Well, I did -- and passed with flying colors. But when I turned 16, he refused to allow me to get my license. When I asked why he'd lied to me, he said he hadn't lied. He simply thought I'd never be able to save enough to pay for the course. Even after 46 years, I still think he lied to me.

My advice to the parents: Do not break your word. It could damage your relationship with your son or daughter forever. -- MARJ G., WESLACO, TEXAS

DEAR MARJ: I agree. She fulfilled her part of the bargain, so the parents shouldn't have reneged on their promise.

DEAR ABBY: In some states, piercing isn't legal before age 16, even with parental consent. If the parents relent, I hope they'll find out what the local laws are and go to the most reputable person who performs piercings. My advice to potential piercers: Stay away from those who will do the piercing regardless of state law. -- SUZANNE, PRIMEVAL INK TATTOO, MONROE, WASH.

DEAR SUZANNE: Good advice.

DEAR ABBY: While I respect the right to change one's mind, the relationship of a parent to a child can be permanently damaged by relatively small betrayals. In today's world, belly button piercing is little more than a fashion statement, and the parents who are waffling over their promise to let their daughter pierce her navel in exchange for good grades risk far more by breaking their promise than by allowing the piercing. -- GEORGE (A YOUNG PARENT WITH CHILDREN), SANTA MONICA, CALIF.

DEAR GEORGE: I agree. And you stated it very well.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old mother of three. Ever since our marriage five years ago, my husband, "Kurt," has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He has cursed me at least once a day. At times, he is emotionally abusive to our kids, who are 2, 3 and 4. I have asked Kurt to leave, but he refuses -- and I don't know if I really want him to.

A couple of weeks ago, I told Kurt I am no longer in love with him, and if things don't change, I want a divorce.

Things went well for a couple of weeks, but now the abuse has resumed. I don't know what to do. I have tried everything. I asked him to go for marriage counseling. He refused. I just want him to change, and I don't think he ever will.

He calls me terrible names in front of the kids. When my little girl asks him to fix breakfast, he'll say "no" just to make her cry. He claims he's "just playing," but he knows what it does to her. Please help. -- CRAZY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CRAZY: As far back as 1996, the American Psychology Association reported that 40 percent to 60 percent of men who abused their female partners also abused their children. Is this the kind of atmosphere in which you want your children raised? Your husband's refusal to seek marriage counseling indicates that he has no intention of changing his pattern. It's bad enough that he takes his hostility out on you daily. But for him to take pleasure in making your daughter cry is sick.

Please don't let your husband's refusal to go for counseling deter you from getting professional help to aid you in deciding how best to protect yourself and your children. Cruel words erode the self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore. And for children to be exposed to it day after day can cause lifelong damage.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and have been going out with my boyfriend, "Johnny," for about a year. A few months ago, we started having sex, and since then, we've been having sex every day, sometimes up to four times a day. Abby, I don't want to be doing this so regularly, but Johnny seems to want it ALL the time. I like making love with him, but not all the time. He says it's special and meaningful, but it's starting to seem like he's using me.

The other day, I told Johnny I didn't want to do it, but it happened anyway. I didn't resist, so it wasn't like he raped me or anything, but it wasn't right. What should I do? -- TOO MUCH SEX IN VICTORVILLE

DEAR TOO MUCH: Wake up, honey. You ARE being used. You are being treated like a convenience, not a person, and this isn't love. And I have more bad news -- when a person says "no" to sex and it "happens anyway," that is the definition of rape.

I urge you to pick up the phone and call R.A.I.N.N. (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network). The toll-free number is 800-656-4673. They can help you to clearly understand what happened and find counseling.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding your response to "Re-Fit to Be Tied," whose daughter has been asked to be a bridesmaid. You advised her that as long as a bridesmaid's dress is "identical," it doesn't matter where it is purchased. You went on to add that if the bride insists the dress be purchased from a particular store in her area, then the bride should foot the bill. I disagree.

I am a former wedding organizer. Dye lots are extremely important when it comes to bridesmaids' dresses. If the fabric isn't from the same dye lot, the chances of the "odd-dress-out" matching the others is very slim. In fact, it's recommended that the shoes be dyed all at once and that they be matched to an actual swatch from one of the dresses -- not a sample swatch from the bridal shop.

As to alterations, I have never seen a bridesmaid's dress that fit "off the rack." Alterations are par for the course.

When a woman agrees to be in a wedding, the costs can be prohibitive, but they are the responsibility of the person being given the place of "honor." I suggest that potential bridesmaids do the following:

(1) Make sure the bride knows how flattered you are to be asked, but consider your answer carefully.

(2) Don't be afraid to ask the bride if the maids' outfits are going to be moderately priced. By simply asking her in a tactful way, the bride will hopefully take the cost of this "honor" into consideration before making her choice.

(3) If you are distant, find a local bridal shop that sells that particular line of bridesmaids' dresses and have your measurements taken. Once you are certain about the size of the dress you'll need, based on the manufacturer's size chart, send that information to the shop ordering the dresses.

(4) Be prepared for additional costs such as alterations, pantyhose and shoes, and plan accordingly.

I'm not sure when the honor of being a modern-day "lady in waiting" got to be so expensive, but it did. Good luck to your readers, Abby! -- JENNIFER M., MANCHESTER, N.H.

DEAR JENNIFER M.: You are a sweetheart to lend your professional expertise on this one. I was inundated with similar letters. I suspect that the burden on bridesmaids increased around the time that brides began using their weddings as platforms to live out their fantasies. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day and usually agree with your advice -- but not this time. To get dresses that are perfectly matching, they must be ordered at the same time from the same dye lot. Otherwise, the shade can be noticeably different. Trust me, nothing looks worse in pictures than having three royal-blue dresses and one slightly teal. That bride is not being unreasonable. Thanks for listening, and keep up the good work. -- OFTEN A BRIDESMAID, ONCE A BRIDE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR OFTEN: Now you tell me! From the onslaught of letters I have received on this subject, I must remind readers that if you agree to be a bridesmaid, it is your responsibility to shoulder the cost of the dress and alterations. Otherwise, you should decline the honor because of financial hardship.

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