DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old mother of three. Ever since our marriage five years ago, my husband, "Kurt," has been verbally and emotionally abusive. He has cursed me at least once a day. At times, he is emotionally abusive to our kids, who are 2, 3 and 4. I have asked Kurt to leave, but he refuses -- and I don't know if I really want him to.

A couple of weeks ago, I told Kurt I am no longer in love with him, and if things don't change, I want a divorce.

Things went well for a couple of weeks, but now the abuse has resumed. I don't know what to do. I have tried everything. I asked him to go for marriage counseling. He refused. I just want him to change, and I don't think he ever will.

He calls me terrible names in front of the kids. When my little girl asks him to fix breakfast, he'll say "no" just to make her cry. He claims he's "just playing," but he knows what it does to her. Please help. -- CRAZY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CRAZY: As far back as 1996, the American Psychology Association reported that 40 percent to 60 percent of men who abused their female partners also abused their children. Is this the kind of atmosphere in which you want your children raised? Your husband's refusal to seek marriage counseling indicates that he has no intention of changing his pattern. It's bad enough that he takes his hostility out on you daily. But for him to take pleasure in making your daughter cry is sick.

Please don't let your husband's refusal to go for counseling deter you from getting professional help to aid you in deciding how best to protect yourself and your children. Cruel words erode the self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore. And for children to be exposed to it day after day can cause lifelong damage.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and have been going out with my boyfriend, "Johnny," for about a year. A few months ago, we started having sex, and since then, we've been having sex every day, sometimes up to four times a day. Abby, I don't want to be doing this so regularly, but Johnny seems to want it ALL the time. I like making love with him, but not all the time. He says it's special and meaningful, but it's starting to seem like he's using me.

The other day, I told Johnny I didn't want to do it, but it happened anyway. I didn't resist, so it wasn't like he raped me or anything, but it wasn't right. What should I do? -- TOO MUCH SEX IN VICTORVILLE

DEAR TOO MUCH: Wake up, honey. You ARE being used. You are being treated like a convenience, not a person, and this isn't love. And I have more bad news -- when a person says "no" to sex and it "happens anyway," that is the definition of rape.

I urge you to pick up the phone and call R.A.I.N.N. (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network). The toll-free number is 800-656-4673. They can help you to clearly understand what happened and find counseling.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding your response to "Re-Fit to Be Tied," whose daughter has been asked to be a bridesmaid. You advised her that as long as a bridesmaid's dress is "identical," it doesn't matter where it is purchased. You went on to add that if the bride insists the dress be purchased from a particular store in her area, then the bride should foot the bill. I disagree.

I am a former wedding organizer. Dye lots are extremely important when it comes to bridesmaids' dresses. If the fabric isn't from the same dye lot, the chances of the "odd-dress-out" matching the others is very slim. In fact, it's recommended that the shoes be dyed all at once and that they be matched to an actual swatch from one of the dresses -- not a sample swatch from the bridal shop.

As to alterations, I have never seen a bridesmaid's dress that fit "off the rack." Alterations are par for the course.

When a woman agrees to be in a wedding, the costs can be prohibitive, but they are the responsibility of the person being given the place of "honor." I suggest that potential bridesmaids do the following:

(1) Make sure the bride knows how flattered you are to be asked, but consider your answer carefully.

(2) Don't be afraid to ask the bride if the maids' outfits are going to be moderately priced. By simply asking her in a tactful way, the bride will hopefully take the cost of this "honor" into consideration before making her choice.

(3) If you are distant, find a local bridal shop that sells that particular line of bridesmaids' dresses and have your measurements taken. Once you are certain about the size of the dress you'll need, based on the manufacturer's size chart, send that information to the shop ordering the dresses.

(4) Be prepared for additional costs such as alterations, pantyhose and shoes, and plan accordingly.

I'm not sure when the honor of being a modern-day "lady in waiting" got to be so expensive, but it did. Good luck to your readers, Abby! -- JENNIFER M., MANCHESTER, N.H.

DEAR JENNIFER M.: You are a sweetheart to lend your professional expertise on this one. I was inundated with similar letters. I suspect that the burden on bridesmaids increased around the time that brides began using their weddings as platforms to live out their fantasies. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day and usually agree with your advice -- but not this time. To get dresses that are perfectly matching, they must be ordered at the same time from the same dye lot. Otherwise, the shade can be noticeably different. Trust me, nothing looks worse in pictures than having three royal-blue dresses and one slightly teal. That bride is not being unreasonable. Thanks for listening, and keep up the good work. -- OFTEN A BRIDESMAID, ONCE A BRIDE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR OFTEN: Now you tell me! From the onslaught of letters I have received on this subject, I must remind readers that if you agree to be a bridesmaid, it is your responsibility to shoulder the cost of the dress and alterations. Otherwise, you should decline the honor because of financial hardship.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am helplessly in love with a man who treats me like dirt. I'll call him "Brad." We have been together for eight years.

During that time, he has told me he was married (he has been divorced for the past five years), and lied about having cancer. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pretty much a lie.

Last year, Brad and I had a baby girl. He wanted no part of having a baby and avoided me during the entire pregnancy. To top it off, when I was in my ninth month, I found out he was seeing someone else. He swears nothing happened. He says he just needed someone to talk to.

For the baby's sake, I placed her for adoption, and she is with a good family. Now that the baby is gone, Brad has come around acting sweet and caring. Yet he still excludes me from family functions and cares more about his ex-wife's feelings than mine.

Am I sick in the head to be in love with Brad? How do I stop loving him and find a normal relationship? -- HELPLESSLY IN LOVE

DEAR HELPLESS: Are you sick in the head? If galloping masochism is a classifiable illness, the answer is yes. Somehow you have confused pain and anxiety with love. How do you stop loving him and find a normal relationship? A psychotherapist can help you understand why you have tolerated the abuse, and help you rebuild your self-esteem and learn to form healthy relationships. Your physician can refer you.

Fill your time with worthwhile activities to distract you from loneliness while you're getting your head straight. One rewarding activity is to volunteer your spare time to a worthy cause -- working with animals, the elderly or a charity of your choice. It's also a way to meet constructive people.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 22-year-old woman. When I was 11, my parents divorced. Because Mom was an alcoholic and a drug addict, my brother and I lived with our dad.

I know a 16-year-old boy named "Sam" who is experiencing the same thing. His parents are divorced and he lives with his mother. She, her boyfriend and his friends smoke a lot of weed in the home and are stoned most of the time. Sam has tried to talk to her about it, but she only yells that he can't tell her what to do because he's the kid, not the mother. He wants to move out, but his brother is only 9, and Sam can't support them both.

Sam has thought about telling his father what his mother is doing, but he's afraid his mother will never forgive him.

Abby, I care for both the boys. I don't want to sit idly by and do nothing. Should I tell someone, or keep my trap shut? -- ON THE FENCE IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR ON THE FENCE: Get off the fence. Contact Sam's father and fill him in on what's going on. It will give him a chance to intervene and take custody of his children -- which could be a step in the right direction for all concerned. If his father is a responsible adult, Sam and his brother will have a more normal home environment, and the mother will be put on notice that there are consequences for her actions. Let's hope it helps her clear her head.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)