DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding your response to "Re-Fit to Be Tied," whose daughter has been asked to be a bridesmaid. You advised her that as long as a bridesmaid's dress is "identical," it doesn't matter where it is purchased. You went on to add that if the bride insists the dress be purchased from a particular store in her area, then the bride should foot the bill. I disagree.

I am a former wedding organizer. Dye lots are extremely important when it comes to bridesmaids' dresses. If the fabric isn't from the same dye lot, the chances of the "odd-dress-out" matching the others is very slim. In fact, it's recommended that the shoes be dyed all at once and that they be matched to an actual swatch from one of the dresses -- not a sample swatch from the bridal shop.

As to alterations, I have never seen a bridesmaid's dress that fit "off the rack." Alterations are par for the course.

When a woman agrees to be in a wedding, the costs can be prohibitive, but they are the responsibility of the person being given the place of "honor." I suggest that potential bridesmaids do the following:

(1) Make sure the bride knows how flattered you are to be asked, but consider your answer carefully.

(2) Don't be afraid to ask the bride if the maids' outfits are going to be moderately priced. By simply asking her in a tactful way, the bride will hopefully take the cost of this "honor" into consideration before making her choice.

(3) If you are distant, find a local bridal shop that sells that particular line of bridesmaids' dresses and have your measurements taken. Once you are certain about the size of the dress you'll need, based on the manufacturer's size chart, send that information to the shop ordering the dresses.

(4) Be prepared for additional costs such as alterations, pantyhose and shoes, and plan accordingly.

I'm not sure when the honor of being a modern-day "lady in waiting" got to be so expensive, but it did. Good luck to your readers, Abby! -- JENNIFER M., MANCHESTER, N.H.

DEAR JENNIFER M.: You are a sweetheart to lend your professional expertise on this one. I was inundated with similar letters. I suspect that the burden on bridesmaids increased around the time that brides began using their weddings as platforms to live out their fantasies. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day and usually agree with your advice -- but not this time. To get dresses that are perfectly matching, they must be ordered at the same time from the same dye lot. Otherwise, the shade can be noticeably different. Trust me, nothing looks worse in pictures than having three royal-blue dresses and one slightly teal. That bride is not being unreasonable. Thanks for listening, and keep up the good work. -- OFTEN A BRIDESMAID, ONCE A BRIDE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR OFTEN: Now you tell me! From the onslaught of letters I have received on this subject, I must remind readers that if you agree to be a bridesmaid, it is your responsibility to shoulder the cost of the dress and alterations. Otherwise, you should decline the honor because of financial hardship.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am helplessly in love with a man who treats me like dirt. I'll call him "Brad." We have been together for eight years.

During that time, he has told me he was married (he has been divorced for the past five years), and lied about having cancer. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pretty much a lie.

Last year, Brad and I had a baby girl. He wanted no part of having a baby and avoided me during the entire pregnancy. To top it off, when I was in my ninth month, I found out he was seeing someone else. He swears nothing happened. He says he just needed someone to talk to.

For the baby's sake, I placed her for adoption, and she is with a good family. Now that the baby is gone, Brad has come around acting sweet and caring. Yet he still excludes me from family functions and cares more about his ex-wife's feelings than mine.

Am I sick in the head to be in love with Brad? How do I stop loving him and find a normal relationship? -- HELPLESSLY IN LOVE

DEAR HELPLESS: Are you sick in the head? If galloping masochism is a classifiable illness, the answer is yes. Somehow you have confused pain and anxiety with love. How do you stop loving him and find a normal relationship? A psychotherapist can help you understand why you have tolerated the abuse, and help you rebuild your self-esteem and learn to form healthy relationships. Your physician can refer you.

Fill your time with worthwhile activities to distract you from loneliness while you're getting your head straight. One rewarding activity is to volunteer your spare time to a worthy cause -- working with animals, the elderly or a charity of your choice. It's also a way to meet constructive people.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 22-year-old woman. When I was 11, my parents divorced. Because Mom was an alcoholic and a drug addict, my brother and I lived with our dad.

I know a 16-year-old boy named "Sam" who is experiencing the same thing. His parents are divorced and he lives with his mother. She, her boyfriend and his friends smoke a lot of weed in the home and are stoned most of the time. Sam has tried to talk to her about it, but she only yells that he can't tell her what to do because he's the kid, not the mother. He wants to move out, but his brother is only 9, and Sam can't support them both.

Sam has thought about telling his father what his mother is doing, but he's afraid his mother will never forgive him.

Abby, I care for both the boys. I don't want to sit idly by and do nothing. Should I tell someone, or keep my trap shut? -- ON THE FENCE IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR ON THE FENCE: Get off the fence. Contact Sam's father and fill him in on what's going on. It will give him a chance to intervene and take custody of his children -- which could be a step in the right direction for all concerned. If his father is a responsible adult, Sam and his brother will have a more normal home environment, and the mother will be put on notice that there are consequences for her actions. Let's hope it helps her clear her head.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I loved the letters you printed about "Pennies From Heaven." I have another one for your collection. My grandfather was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, and we knew he didn't have a lot of time left.

On Monday I went to see him. He was semi-conscious, but he knew I was there. When I asked him a question, he would try to answer. When I put my lips to his, he'd give me little kisses. I said goodbye that evening and promised him I'd return the next day.

On Tuesday he was weaker. We felt he was already on his way to heaven. Once again, I said goodbye. On the ride home, I prayed he would go peacefully. My grandmother had a long ordeal in the hospital during her last days. I didn't want Papa to suffer like she did.

On Wednesday morning, my mom called and told me that Papa had stopped breathing. I dropped everything and drove as fast as I could to be by his side, but I was too late. I was unable to say a last goodbye or tell him how much I loved him.

My husband and I own a car reconditioning business. That day, a car was being cleaned for a customer. The employee who cleaned the car found a penny under one of the seats, and because he knew I liked old coins, he placed it on my computer keyboard so I'd be sure to see it when I got back to work.

When I returned to the office, I examined the penny and bawled my eyes out. It was a 1919 wheat penny -- the year my grandfather was born. Although I didn't get to say a final goodbye to him, I feel this was his way of saying goodbye to me.

Ever since that day, I carry that penny in my pocket as a reminder that he is still with me. -- AT PEACE IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR AT PEACE: Although your grandfather was semi-conscious, I am sure he knew you were with him at the last and heard your goodbye. I have received letters from nurses in hospitals attesting to the fact that patients who are comatose often hear and understand conversations going on around them -- and that negative comments can impact upon a patient's progress.

However, I'm pleased that your discovery of the 1919 wheat penny brought comfort. Many readers have shared your feeling of reassurance after finding a "penny from heaven."

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ted," and I have been happily married for five years. He gets along well with my family, but refuses to have contact with his own mother.

Ted's mother is an alcoholic and generally abusive because of it. (She even hit me once.) She has stolen money from his savings account, and once we had to bail her out of jail. She is also a pathological liar and has caused the whole family a lot of grief.

Ted's father left her, remarried, and is doing well.

Now and then, Ted's mother writes him and sends little gifts to show she's thinking about him. She says she has changed.

Ted doesn't want to give her the chance to hurt him again, but he is filled with so much insecurity because of his past that I think it might be time for them to reunite.

Do you think he should contact her, Abby? -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: I think the decision about whether to reunite with his mother should be strictly your husband's, and you and I should stay out of it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)