DEAR ABBY: I was at a dinner party recently. One of the guests, who was totally deaf, was completely ignored. Not once did anyone attempt to include him in the conversation. I don't know how he stood it.

After dinner I talked to him. He told me he is used to being ignored by hearing people at parties and hated attending them. He was there to please his wife, who is not deaf.

He spoke well and was good at lip-reading. He was intelligent, knowledgeable, and has a good job. He told me he would bring a good book to these gatherings if his wife didn't think it'd be rude.

Abby, how would you have handled this? I'm going to send your answer to every person I know. -- SHOCKED BY THE RUDENESS

DEAR SHOCKED: A gracious hostess tries her best to assure that all of her guests will have a good time, and facilitates conversation. If I had been the hostess, I would have spoken with the couple in advance and elicited some interesting facts about the man. Then I would have shared them with the rest of my guests, as well as the fact that he could lip-read.

The alternative would be to "casually" mention that he is distantly related to Warren Buffett or Bill Gates, or that he's connected in the motion picture business. But then you'd probably have to hire police protection to keep the other guests from mobbing him. (Only joking!)

DEAR ABBY: My husband "Rick's" former wife, "Pearl," is determined to spoil Father's Day for my husband. It happens every year. They have four grown children; the youngest is 28. Pearl invites all of the children to her house for dinner on Father's Day. She also invites Rick's father. (Rick and his father don't have the best relationship.)

I know she does it to hurt Rick. There are 52 weeks in a year, and she could invite Rick's dad over on any of the other 51 weekends. She is so conniving that even a 4-year-old could see through her.

Rick and I never interfere with her plans for Mother's Day or any other holiday.

We can't make plans in advance and outfox her because she always issues the invitation so far in advance. Does she have a lack of class or what? How can we get around this? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Discuss this situation with Rick's father and the children. Tell the children their father would love to have them spend Father's Day with him from now on. After all, it is supposed to be HIS special day. Say the same thing to Rick's father, and it might be a step in the right direction in mending their relationship. If they are unwilling to cooperate, the two of you should make special plans of your own on Father's Day.

DEAR ABBY: This question is very important to an elderly friend of mine, and I don't have the answer. Abby, if you are born on Feb. 29, what day do you celebrate on the years that are not leap years? No one I've asked seems to know. -- LULA IN LAKE CHARLES, LA.

DEAR LULA: There are several ways to deal with it. Celebrate the big day on Feb. 28 or March 1 -- or if he or she would prefer to age more slowly, celebrate the birthday only every four years!

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DEAR ABBY: I am so mad! My husband doesn't understand my feelings and told me to write and ask for your opinion.

We threw a swimming party for our son's fifth birthday. We invited a few of his closest friends from kindergarten, along with their parents, and his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

I went inside to change my clothes and ran smack into a burglar. He tied me up with cords from the window blinds; then he used one of my husband's ties to gag me and left me squirming on the floor. I was bound so tightly I couldn't work my way out of the room.

I figured someone would come looking for me. I am an extrovert, and I was sure my absence would not go unnoticed. I wriggled around for what seemed like an eternity before anyone came looking for me. In reality, it was 45 minutes of misery before my husband walked in, trailed by our children.

My family and our guests had not noticed I was missing for all of that time! Abby, I was crushed. They have tried to explain it away, but I am mortified. I can't seem to get over this. My family thinks I am making too much of it, but I find myself breaking down in tears all the time. What do you think I should do to get over this and get my life back on track? -- ALL TIED UP IN PALM SPRINGS

DEAR TIED UP: You have my sympathy, and there is a name for what you are experiencing: It is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It often occurs in people who have survived a disaster, such as an earthquake, flood, car accident or being a victim of a crime. The feelings of anger you are aiming at your family and friends should appropriately be aimed at the burglar who invaded your home, hog-tied you and violated your sense of security.

Before any more time elapses, I urge you to ask your doctor to refer you to a psychotherapist who specializes in PTSD. Please don't wait to make the call, because it's the quickest way to resolve your anger and feel better.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Danny," is obsessed with his cousin's little daughter, to the point where he thinks she is his (and acts like she's his, too). If Danny doesn't see her often enough, he says he's in "withdrawal." She doesn't live near us, so it's expensive getting her here. Danny is out of work at the present time, and doesn't consider the fact that I'm the one earning the money.

I have an older child from another relationship, and I would love for Danny and me to have one of our own. However, he says we can't afford another child. It hurts me that he wants his cousin's child, but not mine.

Danny accuses me of being jealous. Am I overreacting? -- RESENTFUL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR RESENTFUL: Money may be tight now, but you and Danny could benefit from marriage counseling. Your questions are valid, but the person providing the answers should be your husband -- in the presence of a referee. His attachment to his niece does seem excessive. (Could the child really BE his daughter?)

DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend of 12 years won't let me visit my never-married girlfriends on the East Coast. He says they're man-haters, which has some validity. But these are long-time friends who share intellectual interests he and I do not. How can I manage his feelings and have my freedom, too? -- MANAGING HIS FEELINGS

DEAR MANAGING: You're asking the wrong question. His feelings are his feelings. His insecurities are his insecurities. You can't fix him; only he can do that.

He is only your live-in -- not your husband and not your warden. The question you should be asking yourself is why you are allowing him to dictate who you can and cannot visit.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother is 102. She lives in a nursing home where everyone loves her. She is an inspiration to all. She is unable to walk but her memory is fine. In the three years she's been there, I've visited her every day except two.

Mother has more than a dozen great-grandchildren, all adults now. There wasn't a single happy event in their lives that she didn't commemorate with a gift or card. How sad, Abby, that since she's been confined, they've shut her out. They don't visit or send greeting cards for special occasions -- not even Christmas.

When I visit her, it hurts to see the tears in her eyes as she asks about each one. They are all living well, and distance is not a problem. They just don't take the time.

Please, print this in your column. They all read it. If they heed your advice, maybe smiles will replace the tears on Mother's sad and forgotten face. -- DISAPPOINTED IN CHICAGO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: You're complaining to the wrong person. Pick up the phone and direct your dismay at "the great-grandchildren." Remind them that your mother is of sound mind and that isolation can be a killer. One nice thing about nursing homes is the fact that many patients can be taken out of them for a meal or an outing. If the great-grandchildren are not aware of it, be sure to let them know.

DEAR ABBY: I am in the process of trying to quit smoking, and I have a pet peeve.

Sometimes when I'm home relaxing and watching television, a commercial for a product to help people stop smoking will come on. Abby, the sight of a cigarette gives me the urge to smoke!

Since the surgeon general was wise enough to ban cigarette ads on TV, why are they allowed to advertise smoking cessation products and show lighted cigarettes? The sight of that burning cigarette in the ad starts me craving.

It's torture to those who are trying to quit. Please help me encourage stop-smoking advertisers NOT to use cigarettes in their ads! Thank you. -- TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TRYING TO QUIT: I'm printing your letter because you have a valid point. There have been times when 15 minutes after watching a food commercial, I have found myself in the kitchen with my nose in the refrigerator. Since marketing is such a large part of our culture, the lesson here may be that people can never let down their guard.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has run up telephone bills amounting to $15,000. His credit cards are maxed out on "900" numbers. That's not all -- our two children can't go online without something sexual appearing on the screen or someone sending an instant message, thinking they are talking to my husband about sex.

When I leave the house, he immediately puts our daughters in their rooms and goes online to porn sites or to talk to women. He is taking much-needed money from me and our children to get his kicks. I have begged him to stop, but the problem is getting worse. Should I stick to my word and leave him if he doesn't quit? -- WORRIED WIFE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Yes. Because your husband's problem affects the children, it is time to draw the line.

He isn't behaving that way for "kicks." He appears to be severely addicted to sex.

If he's receptive to getting help, he should contact the Augustine Fellowship. It's an international organization of more than 1,000 groups -- a 12-step program based on the principles of AA. It serves people who want to break their patterns of sex and love addiction, or obsessive/compulsive behavior. The Web site is www.slaafws.org; the phone number is 781-255-8825.

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