DEAR ABBY: I am a woman physician in a small city. My husband is also a physician in the same practice. We have a lovely family, and both of us love our work. We donate time and resources to our community, including free medical care to people who are homeless and the working poor, and money to worthy causes. We are blessed with a wonderful life.

So why am I writing? Because I do not know how to handle a sensitive situation. Our community becomes angry when we refuse to donate to each and every cause. Abby, we give all we can; however, we are early in our careers and are still paying off our loans from medical school.

We live modestly and within our means. We love our community and want our neighbors to know that we, too, are on a budget. Most physicians have seen drastic pay cuts with increased liability, hours and overhead. Unfortunately, many doctors have left the field to pursue technology jobs with higher salaries and fewer hours. Medical schools have watched the business world lure our best and brightest into lucrative careers with less liability. Please enlighten people through your column.

I hope this letter is legible. I wrote it by hand, because I didn't want the office manager to see this on the computer. -- ANONYMOUS FAMILY DOC IN THE USA

DEAR ANONYMOUS DOC: A wise and street-smart man once observed that no one has as much money as other people assume he does. One reason for it is that everyone has a silent partner -- the tax man. And everyone is aware of the effect that managed care has had on the medical community.

For your neighbors to become angry when you cannot donate to each and every cause is wrong. When it comes to charitable giving, like everything else, people must prioritize. There are many worthy causes, and it is impossible to give to all of them. You can't please everyone, so stop allowing people who sulk to lay a guilt trip on you.

Remind your neighbors that you give in ways other than money. Continue to do your best. You have much to be proud of, and your community is lucky to have you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away four years ago. About two years ago, a dear friend, "Hugh," lost his wife. Hugh and I went on two dates and hit it off. He told me he loved me and always had. I have a deep affection for him. Nine months after his wife passed away, we moved in together and have been living together ever since.

Hugh and I are happy, but I would like to be married. At first, he asked me to give him time to deal with his loss. A year ago, he confessed that he had made a deathbed promise to his late wife that he would not marry again. He wants to see her in the afterlife.

Christianity says there is no marriage in heaven. Even though we may see loved ones there, we wouldn't be married. Hugh says he's working on getting past this, but I am beginning to think he may never let go of the baggage he's carrying.

I want a life with Hugh. I am trying to be patient, but I feel he has let me down. Have you any advice for a forlorn person? -- GROWING IMPATIENT IN RICHMOND

DEAR GROWING: Hugh should have leveled with you from the beginning. Had he done so, you would have been better informed before setting up housekeeping with him. As it stands, he is enjoying all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities, and that is unfair to you.

If it's marriage you want, be prepared to move out. Hugh has some important decisions to make -- and he may not make them until he feels your absence.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding the letter from "Grossed Out in Florida," the 18-year-old waitress who is subject to lewd remarks and repeatedly asked out by much older men at her workplace. Please urge her to inform her supervisors that she's being sexually harassed, because her employer has a responsibility to stop the harassment. If possible, she should put her concerns in writing and keep a copy of the letter. If management refuses to address her concerns, she should contact an attorney or legal organization for more information about her rights.

Young women and girls in the hospitality industries are often targets of sexual harassment that is believed to be "just part of the job." These situations may escalate into stalking and other forms of violence. Being "friendly," "polite," and telling a harasser that he reminds you of "someone very special" -- even if it is her grandfather -- is NOT a way to stop sexual harassment in the workplace.

Please encourage your readers to identify sexual harassment and to understand that they have legal rights. Equal Rights Advocates (ERA) provides free legal advice and information about gender discrimination concerns in employment and education, including sexual harassment, pregnancy discrimination, family medical leave, pay equity and retaliation for complaining about these issues. ERA's Legal Advice and Counseling Hotline can be reached at (800) 839-4372. -- IRMA D. HERRERA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR IRMA: Thank you for sharing this important resource. I predict your hotline will be inundated. And I apologize for making light of the problem. Sexual harassment isn't a laughing matter, especially to the target. Readers, ERa also has a Web site: www.equalrights.org. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Grossed Out in Florida" asked where older men "get the idea" they can date much younger women. For the answer to that question one need only look at the nearest movie theater marquee:

Harrison Ford (61) with Michelle Pfeiffer (45), Kristin Scott Thomas (43) or Anne Heche (34) -- a 16- to 27-year age gap.

Michael Douglas (59) with Famke Janssen (38), Frances McDormand (46) or Gwyneth Paltrow (31) -- a 13- to 28-year age gap.

Steve Martin (58) with Bonnie Hunt (39), Jean Smart (44) or Helena Bonham Carter (37) -- a 14- to 21-year age gap.

All of these relationships are presented as perfectly normal. Also, consider the fuss that was made about Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton in "Something's Gotta Give." How NICE it was to see contemporaries as a love interest! In reality, Diane is nine years younger than Jack. It's no wonder these men think that young girls will be interested because, hey, if it can happen in the movies, it can happen in real life, right? -- REALITY CHECKER, GURNEE, ILL.

DEAR REALITY CHECKER: Not only can it happen in real life -- it has: Humphrey Bogart married Lauren Bacall, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones, Warren Beatty married Annette Bening, Kevin Costner just married Christine Baumgartner, Harrison Ford is dating Calista Flockhart. And the reverse can be true: Let's not forget Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 years old and have been married for seven years. We have one child.

My father-in-law has lived with us for the past three years. I am tired of this situation. I cannot have anyone over later than 10 p.m. or he goes crazy. Lights and TV have to be off by then, too. He lies on the couch all day. He doesn't clean up after himself. On top of that, he walks into our bedroom without knocking, so you can imagine what our sex life is like.

He is not over the hill or ailing. He is 57, and his only health problem is diabetes. We can't go anywhere without him; he even tags along with us when we visit his ex and her husband.

How do I tell him that we need time to ourselves without hurting his feelings? -- HAD IT IN TEXAS

DEAR HAD IT: You should be nominated for sainthood for tolerating the situation this long. Stop worrying about his feelings; he is certainly not worrying about yours. Set new house rules. Kindly but firmly take care of your own needs and don't apologize for it. Install a lock on your bedroom door. You and your husband are entitled to your privacy and your own life. If he doesn't like it, give him a deadline to be out, and then enforce it.

DEAR ABBY: I applaud "Sad and Disgusted in Virginia" for being proactive about protecting children from verbal and physical abuse. I was slapped often by my mother in grocery stores and parking lots. Plenty of people witnessed her tirades; no one would intervene. What they couldn't see was what went on at home behind closed doors. She hit me with her high-heeled shoes, pots and pans, even a violin, which shattered when it struck my head. No one ever questioned me about my bruises. I was too weak, scared and under my abuser's control to do anything about my situation.

I endured her beatings until I was 21. They stopped only because I moved to another state to attend graduate school.

I no longer have a relationship with my mother. I have often blamed myself for not speaking up about my own abuse. I remember hoping that someone like "Sad and Disgusted" would simply ask, "Are you OK?" That small act might have given me the courage I couldn't muster on my own. -- FREE AT LAST, CHICAGO

DEAR FREE: I am pleased you finally escaped your abuser. I hope you no longer blame yourself for not telling anyone what was going on. The reason many victims do not speak up about their mistreatment is they have been brainwashed into believing they somehow brought it on themselves. One phrase that echoes repeatedly in the mail I get from victims of abuse is, "He/she said I MADE him/her slap me, hit me, choke me, etc." Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Adults are responsible for their own behavior. We have free will. What we do or refrain from doing is our personal choice.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)