DEAR ABBY: I am 24 years old and have been married for seven years. We have one child.

My father-in-law has lived with us for the past three years. I am tired of this situation. I cannot have anyone over later than 10 p.m. or he goes crazy. Lights and TV have to be off by then, too. He lies on the couch all day. He doesn't clean up after himself. On top of that, he walks into our bedroom without knocking, so you can imagine what our sex life is like.

He is not over the hill or ailing. He is 57, and his only health problem is diabetes. We can't go anywhere without him; he even tags along with us when we visit his ex and her husband.

How do I tell him that we need time to ourselves without hurting his feelings? -- HAD IT IN TEXAS

DEAR HAD IT: You should be nominated for sainthood for tolerating the situation this long. Stop worrying about his feelings; he is certainly not worrying about yours. Set new house rules. Kindly but firmly take care of your own needs and don't apologize for it. Install a lock on your bedroom door. You and your husband are entitled to your privacy and your own life. If he doesn't like it, give him a deadline to be out, and then enforce it.

DEAR ABBY: I applaud "Sad and Disgusted in Virginia" for being proactive about protecting children from verbal and physical abuse. I was slapped often by my mother in grocery stores and parking lots. Plenty of people witnessed her tirades; no one would intervene. What they couldn't see was what went on at home behind closed doors. She hit me with her high-heeled shoes, pots and pans, even a violin, which shattered when it struck my head. No one ever questioned me about my bruises. I was too weak, scared and under my abuser's control to do anything about my situation.

I endured her beatings until I was 21. They stopped only because I moved to another state to attend graduate school.

I no longer have a relationship with my mother. I have often blamed myself for not speaking up about my own abuse. I remember hoping that someone like "Sad and Disgusted" would simply ask, "Are you OK?" That small act might have given me the courage I couldn't muster on my own. -- FREE AT LAST, CHICAGO

DEAR FREE: I am pleased you finally escaped your abuser. I hope you no longer blame yourself for not telling anyone what was going on. The reason many victims do not speak up about their mistreatment is they have been brainwashed into believing they somehow brought it on themselves. One phrase that echoes repeatedly in the mail I get from victims of abuse is, "He/she said I MADE him/her slap me, hit me, choke me, etc." Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Adults are responsible for their own behavior. We have free will. What we do or refrain from doing is our personal choice.

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DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago -- at the age of 3 -- my son was diagnosed with kidney disease. His illness worsened, his kidneys failed, he endured dialysis. Then he received a kidney transplant -- the miracle of life.

My son's first transplant was at age 6, and it gave him three great years. His second transplant was at 9. Both donors were deceased. The second kidney took him all the way through high school. He started dialysis again when he entered college, and the wait began for another kidney.

No one in our family could donate because we all had the wrong blood type. Then, one day, science and research came through for us again. A technique was perfected that allows a person to donate an organ of a different blood type from the recipient. My son was one of the first to benefit from the technique. We were able to use my wife's kidney, a near-perfect match except for her blood type. It worked!

That was three years ago. My son is healthier than he has been in 20 years and has just graduated from college.

How can we ever thank the two families who gave my son the gift of life that allowed him to survive long enough for my wife's kidney to be used? We will celebrate my son's life with thousands of other transplant recipients at the National Kidney Foundation U.S. Transplant Games this summer. Together we will pay tribute to the doctors and donors who made this happen as we commemorate the 50th anniversary of transplantation, a therapy that has saved more than 100,000 lives. -- ALAN MITTLEMAN, NATIONAL KIDNEY FOUNDATION

DEAR ALAN: I am pleased that so many with kidney disease are now enjoying healthy, normal lives as a result of this giant leap forward. Readers, April is National Donate a Life Month, a time for everyone to consider organ donation and to discuss their wishes with their families. For more information, or a free donor card, contact the National Kidney Foundation at Box DA, 30 E. 33rd St., New York, NY 10016, or call (800) 622-9010. The Web site is www.kidney.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have a happy 10-year marriage. Recently my husband, "Ben," found a snapshot of me taken when I was about 15. At the time, I was trying to look sexy: tight jeans, unbuttoned shirt, come-hither look -- but now it's just embarrassing. I laughed with him at the silly photo and forgot about it.

This week, Ben brought home a "surprise" -- a life-sized painting of me based on that old photo. Now he wants to hang it in our home. I told him I didn't find it flattering and would be uncomfortable having that slutty painting of me displayed anywhere. He said I'm too sensitive, and no one will know it's me. (What an insult!)

Then Ben played his trump card: He bought the painting for himself, not for me, and thus it's his decision whether (and where) he chooses to hang it in his house.

I am mortified. I can't imagine looking my guests in the eye after they see that painting. Am I overreacting? -- BLUSHING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR BLUSHING: I think so. Regardless of how much you think you have changed, that painting reflects how your husband perceives you. To him, you are "hot," and that's a compliment. Perhaps you can negotiate where the painting will be hung.

It would be nice if he were more sensitive to your feelings, but it appears he is not. So try to accept it and, instead of blushing, tell your guests that the painting is HIS idea of "art," not yours.

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DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband, "Robert," is a police officer. We have two children together. I am now remarried.

When my children visited Robert last weekend, my 8-year-old son, "Danny," got into a fight with his stepsister. They started calling each other names. This happened at Robert's friend's home, and the friend suggested the children drink vinegar as a punishment.

They taunted Danny, asking what color shot glass he wanted his vinegar in. He cried and begged his dad not to make him drink it. He said he wanted to come home to me. Robert screamed at Danny until he drank it.

When I picked my children up on Sunday night, Danny was distraught. He can't seem to get over that incident.

I called my lawyer, who said that it is borderline abuse. He said to tell Robert if it happens again, we will file a petition for supervised visitation.

Robert thinks I'm being unreasonable. He can't believe I would go that far, since he's a police officer and it might hurt his job. I think he should know better because he is a police officer.

I failed to mention that Danny has Tourette syndrome. Stress makes it worse. He is a good boy, and I don't feel he deserved this type of punishment. Am I being unreasonable? -- DISTRAUGHT

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: I don't know what the children called each other that sent your ex off the deep end, but the punishment didn't fit the crime. In light of the fact that Danny has Tourette syndrome, there are better ways to discipline him -- i.e., write 100 times "I will not name-call," or write his stepsister a letter of apology.

Perhaps it is unfair to hold a law enforcement officer to a higher standard, but as an adult he should have known better. He could benefit from talking to Danny's doctor or the Tourette Syndrome Association Inc. (888-486-8738) about reasonable expectations. Or he could visit the Web site: www.tsa-usa.org. However, if it happens again, listen to your lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has allowed my 19-year-old stepdaughter, "Jana," to move her boyfriend into our home. They are both college students who earn excellent grades and work part-time. Many of their classes are the same and they study together. Jana sleeps upstairs and her boyfriend sleeps downstairs.

I do not agree with this arrangement. I believe it will lead to them living together when they go off to complete their educations. I simply cannot support this, but my wife wants to avoid conflict by allowing it. What do you think? -- CONCERNED STEPDAD IN FLORIDA

DEAR STEPDAD: Since they earn excellent grades, have part-time jobs, sleep on different floors and are focused on completing their educations, I think your concern about what might happen down the road is premature.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17. My girlfriend, "Becky," is 15. Six months ago, we were alone in her house. Becky's father came home earlier than expected and caught us in the act in their bedroom. He called my parents and said we had to get married. I refused. I haven't talked to Becky since.

Abby, was I wrong? Should I have married Becky? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFUSED: Not under those circumstances. Neither of you is old enough or mature enough to take on the responsibilities of marriage.

Perhaps when Becky's father made that call, he was trying to show his daughter that serious responsibilities go along with having sex.

P.S. That you haven't spoken to her since says it all.

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