DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 6-year-old daughter I'll call "Maya" who adores her father. "John" and I were together for more than eight years and have been apart for about a year. During our last year together, he was caught selling drugs and was convicted of possession and distribution, as well as possession of an illegal weapon. I knew nothing of this until he was arrested. (I worked while he was a stay-at-home dad.)

John is now serving a four-year sentence in federal prison. However, he tells Maya that he is in "Daddy School," and when he gets home she will live with him.

Abby, I have struggled long and hard to get back on my feet after paying all of John's legal bills and finding a place for Maya and me to live. Should I tell her where her father really is, and that she won't be living with him but can visit him? (He will be living with his mother again when they let him out.)

He keeps telling Maya how much fun they'll have together. I want her to love John and have a good relationship with him, but I don't want to lose her. What's the answer? -- WORRIED MOTHER IN TEXAS

DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter deserves to know the truth about her father -- that he did something that was against the law, and he is now paying for it. If you go along with his lie, Maya will have good reason to believe that everything John is telling her is the truth -- including the part about where she is going to live.

Your next step should be to discuss child custody with an attorney. Since it appears that you and John are not married, and he is not contributing financially to Maya's welfare, I fail to see how he can claim the right to have her live with him. A lawyer can help you make sure it doesn't happen, so please waste no time in contacting one. It will ease your mind, and that's what is important right now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jeff," is 35 and I'm 41. We've been married 10 years.

Jeff is an excellent provider. He spends quality time with the children and will do anything I ask.

I have only one problem. Every gift occasion -- anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's Day or birthday -- Jeff buys me an outfit I consider trashy. His most recent gift was a black leather miniskirt and bustier, black mesh stockings and thigh-high boots. When I asked Jeff where he expected me to wear that stuff, he said, "On a date with me -- or in our bedroom."

Is it healthy for Jeff to have those fantasies? -- NOT A SLUT IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR NOT: Oui, oui, Madame -- as long as the fantasies include you!

WORTH REMEMBERING: "To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." -- Will and Ariel Durant

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother was unloving and downright cruel to all of her children, but now that we're all over 18, she has suddenly decided she wants to have relationships with us. (I haven't even told her that I've been engaged for two months.) She has caused so much suffering and heartache, but I don't know how to tell her to leave me alone.

She recently showed up at my house. I don't know how she got my address, because I didn't give it to her and I never return her calls. I don't understand how she can act like everything is fine between us and get angry with me for not calling her back.

Mother has never in her life said the word "sorry." I am at a loss as to how to deal with her. -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN PHOENIX

DEAR ANGRY: I have heard from readers who cut themselves off from their parents after abusive childhoods and later regretted that there was no closure. I have also heard from people who did it and have no regrets about it at all.

If you feel that any aspect of your relationship with her is salvageable, consider trying to heal the relationship. However, if that is not possible, tell her plainly that you want to be left alone, and if she doesn't cooperate, you will be forced to get a restraining order. Then do it.

DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Debra," had her breasts enlarged before she was even 20, and she dresses to draw attention to them. She's so proud that she pushes them out even further, which makes her posture appear abnormal.

We are modest people, and we felt especially uncomfortable last summer at a family beach party where she pranced around in a thong!

Now we have a messy situation. Debra has accused a male family member of behaving inappropriately toward her. He denies ever thinking "that way" about her, but admits he couldn't help looking at her breasts "because they were on display all the time."

My sister, Debra's mother, refuses to accept that her daughter is in any way responsible for this mess, and says the man involved is completely at fault. I blame Debra.

Is it fair for a girl to dress seductively and then accuse a male family member of behaving inappropriately? -- MODEST IN COLORADO

DEAR MODEST: Let's stop assigning blame and assess what's really happening. For years, Debra probably felt something was lacking. Since she has had her enhancement surgery, it appears she has been overcompensating. The episode with the thong bikini at the family beach party is an example of a girl who once felt invisible and is now flaunting her assets.

However, when someone prominently puts something on display, it's unrealistic to expect viewers to wear blinders or look away. Debra can't have it both ways.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor runs a licensed day-care center in her home. She does a good job and has lots of children in her care. Some of the children are the same ages as my kids, and they often spend an afternoon or a whole day playing at my house. Should I be concerned about being responsible for her "clients" when she is paid to take care of them? Is there a liability issue that I need to confront? It's an awkward situation for me, and I'd like to hear your thoughts. -- LIABLE IN SYRACUSE

DEAR LIABLE: To heck with my "thoughts." Contact your insurance agent TODAY. If a child is injured on your property, there is definitely a liability issue!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: From the time I was 2 until I was 13, I was abused by five different family members -- including my own father. At the age of 13, my parents terminated their parental rights, giving the state permanent custody of me. I lived in foster care until I turned 18.

When the caseworkers first evaluated me, it was expected that I would succumb to the statistics -- become a welfare mother, a drop-out, etc. I fooled them all and graduated from high school. Later on, I tried to reconnect with my real family, only to discover the chaotic environment my caseworkers had recognized. The saying "Age makes you wiser" is true.

I wish I could say that life has been a piece of cake, but the truth is, it has been difficult. Abuse has long-term side effects that can take a lifetime to overcome, especially the rejection by a parent who sided with the abuser. Had it not been for my faith in God and the encouragement of good people in my life, I would not be living the normal life I've always dreamed of.

Among the things I always wanted was a loving, caring family. It turns out that my friends are just that. I also wanted a loving husband. As I acknowledged -- and later overcame -- the deep emotional scars left by the abuse, and with the help of caring friends, I experienced a drastic turnaround. I met and married the man of my dreams, and my in-laws are some of the nicest people I've ever known. It's like I'm growing up all over again.

I have lived a whole lifetime in this short period. I realize now that my past doesn't have to determine my future. -- ALBUQUERQUE SURVIVOR

DEAR SURVIVOR: I congratulate you for overcoming the odds and creating the life you dreamed of. Instead of letting the past define you, you learned a valuable lesson: You cannot re-create the past. Concentrate on making the present the best it can be, and the future will take care of itself.

DEAR ABBY: Six weeks ago, I co-hosted a baby shower for a friend I'll call Angela. Her mother agreed to split the cost and I put everything on my credit card. I ended up spending more than $1,200 for food, flowers, cake, decorations, favors, etc.

I have yet to receive one dime from Angela's mother. Had I known I would end up bearing the entire cost, I would never have spent so freely.

I feel awkward "demanding" the money. Angela and I have been friends since grammar school, and I don't want to put a strain on our special relationship -- especially since she's due to deliver twins any day now. What should I do? Please advise. -- FINANCIALLY STRAINED IN PORTLAND

DEAR STRAINED: Have you sent Angela's mother an itemized accounting of what she owes? If you have and she hasn't responded, then you now know that she is irresponsible and unreliable. She should have settled with you long ago -- without prompting. For the sake of your long-time friendship with Angela, however, be prepared to write it off as tuition in the school of experience.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)