DEAR ABBY: From the time I was 2 until I was 13, I was abused by five different family members -- including my own father. At the age of 13, my parents terminated their parental rights, giving the state permanent custody of me. I lived in foster care until I turned 18.

When the caseworkers first evaluated me, it was expected that I would succumb to the statistics -- become a welfare mother, a drop-out, etc. I fooled them all and graduated from high school. Later on, I tried to reconnect with my real family, only to discover the chaotic environment my caseworkers had recognized. The saying "Age makes you wiser" is true.

I wish I could say that life has been a piece of cake, but the truth is, it has been difficult. Abuse has long-term side effects that can take a lifetime to overcome, especially the rejection by a parent who sided with the abuser. Had it not been for my faith in God and the encouragement of good people in my life, I would not be living the normal life I've always dreamed of.

Among the things I always wanted was a loving, caring family. It turns out that my friends are just that. I also wanted a loving husband. As I acknowledged -- and later overcame -- the deep emotional scars left by the abuse, and with the help of caring friends, I experienced a drastic turnaround. I met and married the man of my dreams, and my in-laws are some of the nicest people I've ever known. It's like I'm growing up all over again.

I have lived a whole lifetime in this short period. I realize now that my past doesn't have to determine my future. -- ALBUQUERQUE SURVIVOR

DEAR SURVIVOR: I congratulate you for overcoming the odds and creating the life you dreamed of. Instead of letting the past define you, you learned a valuable lesson: You cannot re-create the past. Concentrate on making the present the best it can be, and the future will take care of itself.

DEAR ABBY: Six weeks ago, I co-hosted a baby shower for a friend I'll call Angela. Her mother agreed to split the cost and I put everything on my credit card. I ended up spending more than $1,200 for food, flowers, cake, decorations, favors, etc.

I have yet to receive one dime from Angela's mother. Had I known I would end up bearing the entire cost, I would never have spent so freely.

I feel awkward "demanding" the money. Angela and I have been friends since grammar school, and I don't want to put a strain on our special relationship -- especially since she's due to deliver twins any day now. What should I do? Please advise. -- FINANCIALLY STRAINED IN PORTLAND

DEAR STRAINED: Have you sent Angela's mother an itemized accounting of what she owes? If you have and she hasn't responded, then you now know that she is irresponsible and unreliable. She should have settled with you long ago -- without prompting. For the sake of your long-time friendship with Angela, however, be prepared to write it off as tuition in the school of experience.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old mother of three. I have been married to their father, "Carl," for eight years.

Every two years, Carl decides he no longer wants to be a family man and packs up and leaves. When he goes, he leaves me destitute. I am a stay-at-home mom with only a high school degree.

Carl feels he should have to give us money only after his own needs and wants have been taken care of, and then only the amount he chooses. The most he will dole out is $50 to $100 at a time.

This time when he left, I warned him I'd file for child support. We were on speaking terms, and he said he loved me and wanted us to reunite. That was until he was served with the support papers. Now he refuses to return my calls until I drop the suit. I love Carl, but I can't let him withhold support from our children. He has a good job, so there is no reason for this.

Am I unreasonable? Should I drop the suit? I want our family back together, but I'm afraid he'll leave again. What should I do? -- NEEDS SUPPORT IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDS SUPPORT: For the sake of your children, do not allow yourself to be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed. Take your cues from your lawyer. Once a fair amount of child support has been established in a court of law or by mediation, offer Carl the option of marriage counseling. If he's sincere about wanting to reconcile, he will agree.

If he returns, I urge you to use that opportunity to go back to school and prepare yourself to be financially independent. I have said this many times before: No one's future is guaranteed. If something should happen to your husband, you may need to be the breadwinner. So be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago I lost my mother to cancer. I am still trying to comfort myself. My four children were close to their grandmother, especially my 6-year-old daughter, "Vicki."

Vicki comes to me crying and says she misses Grandma. When she does, I comfort her as best I can, but it's hard because I haven't let go and allowed myself to have a really good cry.

Is it OK for Vicki to see me cry? I'm afraid I won't be able to stop once I start. And if that happens, how can I comfort my daughter?

Every week, I take fresh flowers to the cemetery. Vicki always wants to go with me, but I've taken her only twice. Do you think it might help her to go with me? I'm worried that taking her to the cemetery will only reopen the wound of losing her grandma. -- WANTING TO GRIEVE

DEAR WANTING: You have my sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. I am concerned that you do not have an outlet for your grief. Please consult your doctor or clergyperson about locating a grief support group to help you through this difficult time.

I see nothing wrong with allowing your daughter to occasionally accompany you to the cemetery. It will teach her that although her grandmother is gone, she is not forgotten. I also see nothing wrong with her seeing you cry. However, if you think you might lose control and be unable to stop, don't do it, because it would frighten her.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A reader asked how a person can tell if psychiatry is "working." We would like to offer some suggestions.

The patient or client should have a specific plan for recovery. The therapist -- a clinical social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, or marriage and family therapist -- should teach coping skills so the person can assemble a "coping toolbox." Patients should expect to do behavioral homework between counseling sessions.

Sometimes medication is needed; often it is not. Most uncomplicated depression and anxiety problems respond favorably within 10 to 20 sessions. Additional complicating factors may extend the number of sessions, but by the 20th session the person should see definite improvement.

Just "talking about" problems is helpful, but not usually enough to make and maintain changes. It is also not generally helpful to focus ONLY on the past/childhood when the problems are occurring today. Therapists and clients can be sure that goals are being met by assessing behavior and emotional changes at regular intervals.

We hope this information is helpful. -- ERIK J. ABELL, PH.D., GAIL SIMPSON, MSW, LCSW, COSTA MESA, CALIF.

DEAR DR. ABELL AND MS. SIMPSON: Thank you for lending your expertise to answer this often-asked question. People who are emotionally vulnerable are not always in the best position to evaluate their own progress. I'm sure your letter will be appreciated by many readers.

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old and have been married for four years. I have known since I was a teen-ager that I never wanted to have children. My husband was well aware of this when we met, dated and married.

His sister gave birth to a baby boy last summer, and suddenly my husband has changed his mind and wants children too.

I know I am not parent material. I am impatient with children and generally uncomfortable around them. I do not want my life to be defined by children, nor do I want to give up the lifestyle I enjoy to raise them.

What can I do? Is a divorce pending? -- CHILDLESS BY CHOICE IN FLORIDA

DEAR C.B.C.: While parenthood can be joyful and rewarding, it requires commitment and sacrifice. The bundle from heaven cannot be returned to sender if the recipients change their minds. It would be interesting to see if baby-sitting for his nephew would change your husband's mind -- or yours. However, if you cannot come to a meeting of the minds, a divorce may indeed be on the horizon.

DEAR ABBY: My marriage is pretty much over. My wife and I can't get along, and all the counseling we've had didn't help.

I feel "naked" without my wedding band and am wondering if it is proper for me to wear another ring that has personal sentimental value on my ring finger. I hope this isn't a dumb question. -- TOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR TOM: No question is dumb if it's sincere. You may wear any kind of ring you wish on your ring finger -- but please be aware that a ring on the third finger of the left hand is a signal that the wearer is "unavailable."

P.S. Many divorced people feel naked when they remove their wedding ring for the last time, but that stage usually passes by the time the tan line fades.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)