DEAR ABBY: A reader asked how a person can tell if psychiatry is "working." We would like to offer some suggestions.

The patient or client should have a specific plan for recovery. The therapist -- a clinical social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, or marriage and family therapist -- should teach coping skills so the person can assemble a "coping toolbox." Patients should expect to do behavioral homework between counseling sessions.

Sometimes medication is needed; often it is not. Most uncomplicated depression and anxiety problems respond favorably within 10 to 20 sessions. Additional complicating factors may extend the number of sessions, but by the 20th session the person should see definite improvement.

Just "talking about" problems is helpful, but not usually enough to make and maintain changes. It is also not generally helpful to focus ONLY on the past/childhood when the problems are occurring today. Therapists and clients can be sure that goals are being met by assessing behavior and emotional changes at regular intervals.

We hope this information is helpful. -- ERIK J. ABELL, PH.D., GAIL SIMPSON, MSW, LCSW, COSTA MESA, CALIF.

DEAR DR. ABELL AND MS. SIMPSON: Thank you for lending your expertise to answer this often-asked question. People who are emotionally vulnerable are not always in the best position to evaluate their own progress. I'm sure your letter will be appreciated by many readers.

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old and have been married for four years. I have known since I was a teen-ager that I never wanted to have children. My husband was well aware of this when we met, dated and married.

His sister gave birth to a baby boy last summer, and suddenly my husband has changed his mind and wants children too.

I know I am not parent material. I am impatient with children and generally uncomfortable around them. I do not want my life to be defined by children, nor do I want to give up the lifestyle I enjoy to raise them.

What can I do? Is a divorce pending? -- CHILDLESS BY CHOICE IN FLORIDA

DEAR C.B.C.: While parenthood can be joyful and rewarding, it requires commitment and sacrifice. The bundle from heaven cannot be returned to sender if the recipients change their minds. It would be interesting to see if baby-sitting for his nephew would change your husband's mind -- or yours. However, if you cannot come to a meeting of the minds, a divorce may indeed be on the horizon.

DEAR ABBY: My marriage is pretty much over. My wife and I can't get along, and all the counseling we've had didn't help.

I feel "naked" without my wedding band and am wondering if it is proper for me to wear another ring that has personal sentimental value on my ring finger. I hope this isn't a dumb question. -- TOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR TOM: No question is dumb if it's sincere. You may wear any kind of ring you wish on your ring finger -- but please be aware that a ring on the third finger of the left hand is a signal that the wearer is "unavailable."

P.S. Many divorced people feel naked when they remove their wedding ring for the last time, but that stage usually passes by the time the tan line fades.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have heard many men fantasize about hooking up with a nymphomaniac. Speaking as someone with 20/20 hindsight, I advise any man who meets one to run!

I was married to a woman with that problem, and at first I did think I was in heaven. I didn't learn about the downside until much later.

Every day after I left for work, another man spent the day with my wife. And when I went into the military, she disappeared. I later learned that she was frequenting bars, having encounters with anyone and everyone who would, and contracting multiple STDs in the process. At the time I was very angry at her. I now realize she was driven by an addiction over which she had no control.

So, unless you are prepared to spend every minute of every day with a nymphomaniac, expect to share -- with the world. -- OLDER AND WISER

DEAR OLDER AND WISER: As your letter proves, sometimes there CAN be too much of a good thing. What's the old saying, "Moderation in all things"? It's true.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Kim," is in grade school. She's an only child, and ever since she was little, I have invited kids over so she'd have someone to play with. Most of their parents promise they'll have Kim over for a play-date at their house "soon," but soon never seems to come.

Kim is nice to her classmates and well-behaved in school. Her friends' parents always tell me what a great time their kids have at our house.

Kim never says anything about not being invited to the homes of other children, but I'm starting to feel like a free baby-sitting service.

What should I do the next time a parent says, "Let's get the kids to play together over vacation or the weekend"? -- EVERYONE'S BABY SITTER

DEAR BABY SITTER: Say this: "That's a wonderful idea. Can we do it at your house? I have some things I have to take care of at that time, and your supervising the children would really help me out."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old high school freshman. English is my second language. I was in ESL during junior high school. I not only learned enough English to go into mainstream, but I also have college-prep classes in which I am quite good.

My history teacher told me about a program called "Upward Bound" that holds classes on Saturdays and is very promising. I didn't think my English was good enough, but I applied and was accepted. Now I am afraid to go. I'm worried that people will judge me because of my Colombian accent.

I have received much advice about this issue, but I still need more. Perhaps you will help me. -- WORRIED ABOUT COLOMBIAN ACCENT

DEAR WORRIED: Go to the class! You were accepted, so for heaven's sake, take advantage of the opportunity. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Should anyone be rude enough to comment on your accent, sweetly ask him or her how he or she would do taking classes in YOUR native language.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Shocked," who was surprised when her husband's parents sent her lingerie for her birthday. Many men feel that lingerie is the ultimate turn-on. Her in-laws may have intended to add a little extra romance and provide a pleasant surprise for their son -- a wish he himself may have conveyed.

I speak from experience. My mother-in-law gave me some lingerie for my bridal shower, saying, "I was married once, too, and trust me -- this will make him happy." And it has, three years later. -- SARA IN TEXAS

DEAR SARA: That letter certainly struck a familiar chord with a lot of wives. Let me share some of the comments I received:

DEAR ABBY: For the shocked daughter-in-law who wasn't happy about the peek-a-boo nightie -- that's nothing! I received the same kind of outfit from my mother-in-law at a couples' shower that was held at our Baptist Sunday school teacher's house, in front of a group of young Navy pilots.

And the family wonders why the relationship has always been tense. -- BEEN THERE AND WORSE

DEAR BEEN THERE: Why not make it "past tense" and forgive her the lapse in judgment? The gift may have been well-intended, but her timing was off. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I can do her one better. When my mother died years ago, her prayer circle presented me with a gift of underpants. I've never been able to figure that one out. -- MARY IN ASHEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR MARY: It makes one wonder what they were praying for.

DEAR ABBY: You missed a glaring point in the letter from "Shocked," the woman who wasn't sure how to react when her in-laws sent her a sexy negligee and a thong for her birthday (she was embarrassed): They had never sent her a birthday gift before!

Maybe the nightie wasn't a gift but a message. Perhaps the in-laws had heard something that caused them concern, and their gift was an attempt to inject some excitement into a flat relationship. "Shocked" should pause and consider the state of her marriage. After several years of marriage -- especially with children -- it's easy for a husband and wife to take each other for granted and grow apart.

If "Shocked" thinks her love life with her husband is lackluster, she might consider putting that gift to good use. -- KAREN IN FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.

DEAR KAREN: It's worth considering. However, it did not occur to me that instead of a birthday gift, her in-laws had given her a veiled warning.

DEAR ABBY: That letter brought back such memories for me. When my husband and I were married 40 years ago, my mother-in-law would buy me sexy nighties every year for Christmas and birthdays.

When our first son was born four years later, I began receiving flannel nightgowns from her. Maybe "Shocked's" in-laws are trying to tell her they're ready for grandchildren. -- RITA IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR RITA: If they are, they're making a mistake. Besides being inappropriate, that kind of meddling often puts daughters-in-law on the defensive.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)