DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Todd," and I have been happily married for four years and together for six. We have a daughter (mine from a former marriage) and a beautiful little boy together. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Todd loves both children equally. Despite some tough financial times over the past two years, we are a happy family.

Our problem? Todd's mother. She's a negative, bitter woman who insists she "can't possibly" show our daughter the same love she shows our son. She sends affectionate notes to our son, none to our daughter. She shops at discount stores for our daughter and only the best shops for our son. She sent our son a beautiful handmade toy and our daughter a pencil -- yes, a pencil!

Please understand this isn't about gifts or the amount she spends. It's about the obvious disparity. Even worse, she's always saying that Todd couldn't possibly love our daughter the way he does our son. Need I tell you the damage this has already done to our daughter?

We are at our wit's end. Todd is ready to just walk away from his mother. I know we can't change the way she feels, but are we wrong to insist that she not show it so openly to our daughter? Help. Please. -- READY TO WALK AWAY

DEAR READY: You are not wrong. What you have described is emotional abuse on the part of your mother-in-law. Her blatant favoritism is heartless, deliberate and harmful to your children's relationship with each other -- not to mention damaging your daughter's self-esteem. If she fails to comply, you are also justified in limiting or restricting her contact with them.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away two years ago and I still have many of her things. I'm afraid that she'll think I don't love her or respect her belongings if I don't keep everything.

My question is, do you think she'll understand that I don't have a lot of space in my house? Do you have any ideas about where I could put her things? Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. -- WITHOUT MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WITHOUT: Your mother left her things to you because she wanted you to enjoy them. Of course she would understand if you cannot use them all. She didn't intend for them to be a burden but a blessing.

Since there are more things than you need or want, please consider sharing the rest with other relatives who can appreciate their sentimental value. If that's not possible, donate them to a charity -- possibly one that raises money to fight the disease that took her. I can't think of a more worthwhile use for them than that.

DEAR ABBY: My long-divorced father was befriended by a well-to-do family from another country that has lived in the United States for a few years. They invited him to accompany them on a four-week visit to their country. While there, they talked him into marrying (on paper only) one of their sisters so that her child could get a U.S. visa.

The child has now arrived in the U.S. My father thinks he did a wonderful thing. I think he was used. What do you think? -- CONCERNED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONCERNED: I think your father committed immigration fraud. Please consult an immigration attorney on his behalf immediately. What I think is less important than what the INS will think if they get wind of his "good deed."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Every time I ask my friend, "Sally," if she wants to hang out, she says she has something else to do. A few weeks ago, she said she had to go out. About an hour later, while walking around the block, I noticed her car was there. I knocked on the door. Sally said she was getting ready to leave and besides she was on the phone. Does it take an hour to get ready to go out? I don't think so.

Sally and I have been friends since we were 4. I don't want to lose an old friend, but I'm not sure she really is a friend anymore. If she is, why does she keep ditching me? Should I consider her a friend? -- DITCHED IN NEW YORK

DEAR DITCHED: Consider her a friend, but a distant one. Not all friendships last forever. People change as they grow. Take the hint. Don't be a pest. Let her call you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 14 years old. A lot of times when I am feeling really happy and I'm talking to friends on the Internet, all of a sudden I feel a wave of sadness. And I remember bad things, like when my best friend died when I was little. But then I'll feel happy again. I don't know why this happens all the time. What do you think? -- BUMMED OR NOT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BUMMED OR NOT: Mood swings can be hormonal, especially at your age. However, since you were concerned enough to write to me, your next step should be to discuss the mood swings with your parents so they can schedule an appointment for a medical evaluation. There is probably nothing to worry about, but you should hear it from your doctor.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lyle," and I have a 14-month-old child together. My two children from an earlier relationship and Lyle's son make up our family of six. Lyle and I make good money and we both collect child support from previous partners.

What bothers me is Lyle won't let me see his paychecks or combine our joint incomes in any way. I've asked if we could pool our money. On a monthly basis, I earn more than he does, so I don't understand his reluctance.

I'm not a compulsive shopper. I've never told him to give me the money. We even set up a joint checking account for tax purposes, but he refuses to put money into it.

Abby, I feel like I'm just a roommate who shares expenses. We split the bills down to the last penny, and he shops for "his" children separately. He won't even agree to put our insurance policies together, and we're with the same company! His answer is, "I've always done it this way."

Am I wrong? I always thought married couples shared things. I'm at my breaking point. Please help. -- FEELING LIKE A ROOMMATE, NOT A WIFE

DEAR FEELING LIKE A ROOMMATE: Nothing can be resolved until you and Lyle are able to communicate honestly. Marriage counseling could help to bring out the issues that need to be addressed. You feel "like a roommate" because you are being treated like one. Having been through one divorce, your husband may be afraid to commingle his assets with yours. (In other words, he may feel insecure about the durability of your marriage.) Since law is not my area of expertise, you would be wise to consult an attorney about how your husband's behavior could affect your future.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a dental hygienist. It's an excellent career, and I've been practicing for nine years.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why so many people get into my chair and tell me they haven't brushed their teeth all day. Even worse, they'll say, "I just ate a roast beef sandwich, so you might find some chunks in there." It's disgusting.

Abby, how can I let people know they should brush their teeth before visiting a dental office? -- GROSSED OUT IN GROSSE POINT

DEAR GROSSED OUT: People already know they should have brushed their teeth before visiting you. Make it a practice to ask your patients when they arrive whether they have "had a chance" to brush their teeth. If the answer is no, smile, hand them a toothbrush and toothpaste, and tell them to go do it. At first, they may be taken aback, but it won't take them long to get used to the new drill.

DEAR ABBY: My husband started working the graveyard shift two months ago. It has been a hard transition for us, but even harder for our 11-year-old son, "Ryan."

For the past couple of weeks, Ryan has been overly concerned about someone breaking into our third-floor apartment while we're asleep. I've tried my best to reassure Ryan, but he keeps having nightmares about someone breaking into our place -- or my parents' apartment -- and harming or killing us. He wakes up screaming and crying.

Do you have any suggestions about how I can make him feel more secure? -- SLEEPLESS IN NEW WESTMINSTER

DEAR SLEEPLESS: It would be helpful to know what triggered your son's insecurity. Is he watching too much television? Is he playing violent video games? Has something happened at school or afterward that he is not telling you? Talk to your son. If the problem persists, take him to his pediatrician for evaluation -- and a referral to a psychologist, if necessary.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old woman with a new (unplanned) baby. Despite my husband's initial reservations, we both consider her a welcome addition to our lives.

We also have three older children, 25, 21 and 18. My doctor says I need time to adjust to all the recent changes in my life, but I believe there's a bigger problem.

Ever since the baby arrived, I have been overwhelmed with fear about aging. This is completely out of character. Some days, I can't even leave the house. I find myself pushing my husband away and neglecting the needs of the rest of my family. The only one getting the best of me is the baby.

My husband thinks I'm trying to do too much, that I should stop breast-feeding, get help around the house and "snap out of it."

My inability to communicate and be intimate with him is causing problems between us, and they are affecting the rest of our family. My husband has always been my best friend, but he can't understand how I feel these days.

I don't know how to climb out of this hole or what to do. Help! -- TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH

DEAR TRYING: Tell your doctor exactly what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression caused by hormone changes following childbirth. Please don't wait. Do it now.

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