DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, I met the man of my dreams and was lucky enough to marry him. "Mike" is intelligent, caring, loving, witty, romantic and a great father. sEvery day he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful.

So what's the problem? Mike weighs 80 pounds more than he did when we met. I thank God for him every single day, but the "zing" is gone.

Don't get me wrong. We're still intimate, but I miss the "butterflies" I used to feel just looking at him. I am also worried about his health and the effect his eating habits have on our children. This has seriously damaged his self-esteem, too, and that is the hardest thing for me to deal with.

If life gets in the way, and intimacy goes by the wayside for a couple of weeks, Mike accuses me of purposely avoiding him, looking for someone new, never taking the initiative, etc. Abby, I love my husband. I've done everything I can to help him with his weight problem -- to no avail. In fact, if I mention it, he tells me saying something only makes it worse.

I take good care of my own health and try to teach the kids to do the sameVEN YEARS EA, even when they ask why Dad doesn't take care of his.

Am I being petty when I tell you I'd give anything to have my slimmer, sexier, healthier husband back? I miss his energy and confidence and the respect I had for him. Abby, are myou feelings valid? Or should I just get over it and be happy with all of his good qualities? -- FEELING WEIGHTED DOWN

DEAR WEIGHTED DOWN: You are not being petty. You are being human. Ask your husband to make an appointment with his doctor for a complete physical or make the call for him. The lecture about diet and health should come from the doctor. Your husband is not alone in his problem. It's one that is shared by millions of people in this country.

The solution lies in a willingness to make lifestyle changes. Since you are already providing healthy meals at home, please consider a physical activity you and your husband can enjoy together to help him burn those extra calories. (If he's reluctant, remind him that it will put him in better shape for lovemaking.) Reward any progress with compliments and praise. If all else fails, make sure his life insurance is up-to-date and enjoy him as long as you can. Nobody's perfect.

DEAR ABBY: In our office we often send cards and gifts as a group to anyone who has a birthday, new baby, etc. Usually everyone signs the cards. We are a big department, so there are a lot of names.

What is the etiquette on group sympathy cards? Should everyone sign it, or is that too flippant? Should it read, "Your friends in the department?"? -- CURIOUS ABOUT ETIQUETTE

DEAR CURIOUS: Either one is proper -- however, for reach person to sign it would be much warmer and more personal.

R DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married just over a year, and we are not ready to have children for another year or so.

How can I get the message across to well-meaning family and friends that it is none of their business when we are planning to have children? I have endured enough personal questions. I would love to hear your advice. Thanks -- NOT READY FOR CHILDREN

DEAR NOT READY: Here it is. Say with a smile, "Thank you for your interest, but we're waiting to see if the marriage works out."

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DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Sheila," was recently married, and I was a bridesmaid.

About two months before the wedding, Sheila called to say that the junior bridesmaid dress she had selected for one of her attendants was too small –- size 8 for a girl who was size 12. Sheila asked if there was anything I could do to make the dress fit because it was too late to order another one.

After a lot of work and many long hours over a four-week period, I finished the alterations. Neither Sheila nor the junior bridesmaid paid me for the work, and I thought that was because I said I'd do it as a favor to Sheila.

A few days before the wedding, I was still deciding what to give her as a wedding gift, but everyone I asked said that altering the dress should be enough. Well, Sheila didn't see it that way. On her wedding night, she called me several times demanding a gift of money! She said I had been disrespectful by not giving her a gift. Even after her honeymoon, she called again to talk about the money.

Was I wrong not to give her a separate wedding gift?

FRIEND OF THE BRIDE ON LONG ISLAND

DEAR FRIEND: For a bride to demand a gift shows an appalling lack of manners. I think that spending an entire month trying to ensure that Sheila had the wedding of her dreams was gift enough. If you have an itch to do so, scratch Sheila off your list, because she is no friend.

DEAR ABBY: Last July you kindly printed a letter from Christopher Reeve, the vice chairman of the National Organization on Disability (N.O.D.), in which he called on the communities of this country to enter N.O.D.'s Accessible America Contest. The letter generated substantial interest and 64 entries were received. Each one documented impressive efforts that towns and cities around the United States are making to enable their communities to be more welcoming and accessible, so that citizens and visitors with disabilities can fully participate in community life.

In your response to Christopher, you said you would share the name of the winning community when it was announced. Phoenix is the winner of the 2003 Accessible America Contest, which includes a $25,000 prize underwritten by UPS. Phoenix joins Venice, Fla., and Irvine, Calif., the winners of the first two contests, as a model for other communities as they strive to be disability-friendly.

For further information about the contest, Phoenix's winning entry and N.O.D.'s Community Partnership Program, which provides guidance and assistance to towns and cities in their efforts to work with the disability community, readers can visit www.nod.org. -- BREWSTER THACKERY, DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, N.O.D.

DEAR BREWSTER: Thank you for the update. And congratulations to the forward-thinking city of Phoenix for winning the Accessible America competition. It demonstrates the city's commitment to execute the plans and devote the funds to assure that everyone can fully participate in the life of the community. That's time and money well spent.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a 12-year-old son I'll call "Josh." His mother, "Jan," and I are divorced. Jan is verbally and emotionally abusive. I see Josh three days a week. I took him for counseling, but Jan told him counseling is for crazy people, and now he refuses to go. I told the doctor what my ex said, and he said she needs help because she's destroying Josh's self-esteem.

My son wants to move in with my wife, "Sue," and me when he is old enough. For eight years he's had a dog named "Rascal" that he loves. When Josh says he wants to live with me, Jan threatens to get rid of Rascal if Josh isn't there to take care of the dog.

Jan said I can have the dog, but Sue says, "No way!" She hates dogs and will not have one in the house. Abby, Rascal is a small inside dog, so keeping him outside is not an option. I think Sue should accept the dog for my son's sake. I tried to explain that it is for Josh's emotional well-being. She says it's her or the dog. I say the choice is not the dog, but my son's happiness.

I said she doesn't care about my son or she'd accept Rascal, and she went crazy -- yelling four-letter words. She actually threatened the dog and me. I told her I must take Rascal over her because Josh is my first priority. What should I do? -- TORN BETWEEN MY WIFE AND SON

DEAR TORN: How sad. You know what you have to do. Your son must be your first priority.

P.S. Before involving yourself with any more women, please get counseling to find out why you are drawn to self-centered abusers.

DEAR ABBY: My 80-year-old mother lives alone in a small apartment and maintains a fairly independent lifestyle with the help of public assistance.

I live across the country, but talk to her on the phone several times a week. During one conversation, she told me that my 50-year-old brother has been storing furniture in her tiny living room even though she asked him not to. I wrote to my brother, asking him to remove the items immediately and to apologize for causing our mother aggravation. (He has a good job and a grown family.)

Mother has since reiterated to me that she wants the furniture out, but says she's afraid my brother will retaliate -- which shocks me.

While I can't fathom my brother taking advantage of our mother this way, I wouldn't put anything past him. Several years ago, he took a jazz album collection that belonged to me out of Mom's apartment without my permission and refused to return it.

Is there something more I can do -- or some agency that can help? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: There certainly is. Since you are concerned about elder abuse, contact the Administration on Aging Eldercare Locator service, toll-free (800) 677-1116 (Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern time, or on the Web at: www.eldercare.gov. Please don't wait. Your mother has the right to feel safe and secure in her own home.

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