DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Bette," is one of the nicest, smartest teens you'll ever meet. I enjoy her company, we get along great, and we have a lot in common. She's also my role model, since I'm two years younger than she is. (I skipped a couple of grades.)

Recently, Bette has been smoking weed and encouraging me to try it. I am very against smoking. I'm afraid Bette might be doing the wrong thing. She says it's OK because she does it only a little bit.

How can I persuade her to stop? Should I even try? Will I be ruining a great friendship? -- NEEDS HELP IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEEDS HELP: You appear to be more mature than your older friend. Not only is pot smoking generally unhealthy, it impairs your judgment. Marijuana can affect memory and the choices smokers make while under the influence. It is also illegal, with all that implies.

It is important that you understand that people change as they mature -- or fail to mature. If Bette continues on this path, she may eventually begin spending more time with other kids who smoke pot. It could affect her grades and her participation in sports and other interests. You may have less and less in common. So start developing friendships with other students whose interests and goals are similar to yours and continue moving forward on your own wholesome path.

By all means, try to persuade Bette to stop; as her friend, it is the right thing to do. But she is ultimately responsible for her own behavior -- or misbehavior -- and you have to protect your own future.

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a 13-year-old girl whose father is deployed in the Middle East. She was worried about her mother's depression. You wisely suggested that the daughter seek assistance from a trusted adult who knows her mother and can encourage her to talk to a doctor. I would like to offer some additional suggestions:

The mother's primary-care manager through her health-care provider is a good starting point for assistance. She can also find out if there is a family advocacy program available at their military base. These programs offer support groups for spouses and children.

This child and her mother are probably eligible for TRICARE, the Defense Department's health-care program for military personnel, their families and retirees. TRICARE offers a health services and support contractor to manage the family's health benefits. It offers in-person or telephone counseling and online assistance. The mother can visit www.tricare.osd.mil and request customer service using one of the toll-free numbers.

Americans must do their part to support those who are sacrificing so much in defense of our freedoms. -- JUDY BLACK, VICE PRESIDENT, TRIWEST HEALTH CARE ALLIANCE, PHOENIX DEAR JUDY: Amen to that! And thank you for offering this valuable information to the spouses of our military personnel.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 years old and have been thin all my life. But for the past year, I have been getting up during the night and eating. Sometimes the next morning I don't even know what I ate the night before!

I have also noticed that I am gaining weight. Please help. -- NOCTURNAL EATER

DEAR NOCTURNAL: Discuss this with your doctor. If you're doing this while not fully awake, it may be a symptom of a sleep disorder.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister set me up with a friend of hers named "Darryl" who turned out to be the nicest man I'd ever met. We have dated for four months, and there is only one problem. He has been divorced for three years, but spends most of his spare time with his former in-laws.

Darryl couldn't take time to meet my son and daughter-in-law because he had to go to his ex's nephew's football game. He spends every holiday with them, provides for them financially and lets them use his cars. When his ex-wife is going to be there, they tell him not to come over.

Is Darryl obsessed with her parents? Does he hope his ex will come back, even though she left him and remarried?

My sister mentioned he was close to his former family, but isn't this carrying it too far? I'm confused. Please help me understand. -- CONFUSED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONFUSED: Consider this. He was dumped by his wife but still gets emotional support by clinging to his former in-laws. If he were as interested in you as you are in him, he would spend less time with them and more with you. I recommend you lower your expectations, because Darryl does not appear ready for a serious relationship with you or anyone right now.

DEAR ABBY: I left my husband after 20 years of marriage, asked for a divorce and got it. My ex was very upset, but did not fight it. Our two older children are in college. The youngest is 16 and a high school senior. She was very upset at the time we separated.

Although I was the one who wanted the divorce, I realized later that it had not been a wise decision, and I asked my ex to come back. He agreed.

The problem is our 16-year-old. She does not think it's a good idea. She doesn't say why, just that she "feels that way." She had a good relationship with both of us, but she does not want us to get back together. She doesn't come to church with us, and she doesn't like to see us together. I don't know how to deal with this. Any advice? -- CONFUSED IN MARYLAND

DEAR CONFUSED: Please don't make your daughter's problem your own. You say she is a senior in high school. That means she should be leaving for college in the fall. Why are you allowing her to dictate your future?

Family counseling for you, your daughter and your ex-husband might be helpful to improve the level of communication among you and would be a wise investment. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: Technology is wonderful. We have so many useful gadgets at our fingertips. I am wondering about using them properly, especially e-mail.

My father-in-law died recently and many chose to e-mail their condolences. Is this tacky, or am I just being too picky? -- SNAIL MAIL VS. E-MAIL

DEAR SNAIL MAIL: We live in an age where e-mail is an accepted form of communication. It's easy, it's fast and it's cheap. It is also better than nothing. I know you are hurting, but please don't look down your nose at anyone's expression of sympathy. It may not be formal or fancy, but I'm sure it was sincere.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of nine months, "Brent," was killed in a car accident. I have been a mess ever since. I dropped out of school and have no job. I do not live with my parents, and I no longer have the love of my life.

One of Brent's best friends, "Doug," and I recently spent two intimate nights together. It was special and felt right.

Doug has had a girlfriend for almost two years. They are expecting a baby any day now. He has told me he wants to break up with her and move away with me because he feels he should look after me.

Another of Brent's good friends, "Brian," is a player. Brian doesn't respect women, but since he and I became close after the accident, he respects and watches out for me, too. One thing led to another with Brian, too, and we have done the deed many times.

I have feelings for both Doug and Brian, even though they don't come close to what I felt for Brent. Am I a horrible person for sleeping with Brent's two best friends after his death? I need advice on how to get out of this mess. -- GRIEVING WITH SEX

DEAR GRIEVING: Do not mistake what has happened with Brent's friends for love. It's time you talk to your spiritual adviser, join a grief support group and seek individual counseling. If possible, return to your parents for a while until you get your life back in order. It is important that you complete your education so you can become financially as well as emotionally independent.

P.S. Neither one of the young men you mentioned appears to be solid and mature enough for a serious relationship, so I urge you not to depend on either of them for anything. Both have taken advantage of your vulnerability.

DEAR ABBY: I turned 18 last year. When I started college, I moved in with my grandma on my father's side. My parents were furious. They said I moved out because "Gram" doesn't give me rules or chores.

I moved in with Gram because she doesn't see, hear, drive or even move well anymore. I drive her wherever she needs to go. My parents refuse to believe that I moved out to help Gram. It has reached the point that my parents no longer speak to her -- and I no longer speak to my parents.

It was not my goal to make waves in the family. What can I do to fix the problems I've caused? And how can I get everyone on speaking terms again? Please help. -- BIG PROBLEM IN A LITTLE TOWN

DEAR BIG PROBLEM: You appear to be the daughter of very controlling parents. At 18, you are old enough to decide where you want to live, and the arrangement you have made appears to be mutually beneficial.

Being a companion to an elderly person in failing health is a heavy responsibility and certainly isn't chore-free. (Could it be that your parents miss your free labor at their house?) It is not your responsibility to "get everyone on speaking terms again." From my perspective, you not only deserve a pat on the back but also a thank-you for taking care of your grandmother.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)