DEAR ABBY: My sister set me up with a friend of hers named "Darryl" who turned out to be the nicest man I'd ever met. We have dated for four months, and there is only one problem. He has been divorced for three years, but spends most of his spare time with his former in-laws.

Darryl couldn't take time to meet my son and daughter-in-law because he had to go to his ex's nephew's football game. He spends every holiday with them, provides for them financially and lets them use his cars. When his ex-wife is going to be there, they tell him not to come over.

Is Darryl obsessed with her parents? Does he hope his ex will come back, even though she left him and remarried?

My sister mentioned he was close to his former family, but isn't this carrying it too far? I'm confused. Please help me understand. -- CONFUSED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CONFUSED: Consider this. He was dumped by his wife but still gets emotional support by clinging to his former in-laws. If he were as interested in you as you are in him, he would spend less time with them and more with you. I recommend you lower your expectations, because Darryl does not appear ready for a serious relationship with you or anyone right now.

DEAR ABBY: I left my husband after 20 years of marriage, asked for a divorce and got it. My ex was very upset, but did not fight it. Our two older children are in college. The youngest is 16 and a high school senior. She was very upset at the time we separated.

Although I was the one who wanted the divorce, I realized later that it had not been a wise decision, and I asked my ex to come back. He agreed.

The problem is our 16-year-old. She does not think it's a good idea. She doesn't say why, just that she "feels that way." She had a good relationship with both of us, but she does not want us to get back together. She doesn't come to church with us, and she doesn't like to see us together. I don't know how to deal with this. Any advice? -- CONFUSED IN MARYLAND

DEAR CONFUSED: Please don't make your daughter's problem your own. You say she is a senior in high school. That means she should be leaving for college in the fall. Why are you allowing her to dictate your future?

Family counseling for you, your daughter and your ex-husband might be helpful to improve the level of communication among you and would be a wise investment. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: Technology is wonderful. We have so many useful gadgets at our fingertips. I am wondering about using them properly, especially e-mail.

My father-in-law died recently and many chose to e-mail their condolences. Is this tacky, or am I just being too picky? -- SNAIL MAIL VS. E-MAIL

DEAR SNAIL MAIL: We live in an age where e-mail is an accepted form of communication. It's easy, it's fast and it's cheap. It is also better than nothing. I know you are hurting, but please don't look down your nose at anyone's expression of sympathy. It may not be formal or fancy, but I'm sure it was sincere.

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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of nine months, "Brent," was killed in a car accident. I have been a mess ever since. I dropped out of school and have no job. I do not live with my parents, and I no longer have the love of my life.

One of Brent's best friends, "Doug," and I recently spent two intimate nights together. It was special and felt right.

Doug has had a girlfriend for almost two years. They are expecting a baby any day now. He has told me he wants to break up with her and move away with me because he feels he should look after me.

Another of Brent's good friends, "Brian," is a player. Brian doesn't respect women, but since he and I became close after the accident, he respects and watches out for me, too. One thing led to another with Brian, too, and we have done the deed many times.

I have feelings for both Doug and Brian, even though they don't come close to what I felt for Brent. Am I a horrible person for sleeping with Brent's two best friends after his death? I need advice on how to get out of this mess. -- GRIEVING WITH SEX

DEAR GRIEVING: Do not mistake what has happened with Brent's friends for love. It's time you talk to your spiritual adviser, join a grief support group and seek individual counseling. If possible, return to your parents for a while until you get your life back in order. It is important that you complete your education so you can become financially as well as emotionally independent.

P.S. Neither one of the young men you mentioned appears to be solid and mature enough for a serious relationship, so I urge you not to depend on either of them for anything. Both have taken advantage of your vulnerability.

DEAR ABBY: I turned 18 last year. When I started college, I moved in with my grandma on my father's side. My parents were furious. They said I moved out because "Gram" doesn't give me rules or chores.

I moved in with Gram because she doesn't see, hear, drive or even move well anymore. I drive her wherever she needs to go. My parents refuse to believe that I moved out to help Gram. It has reached the point that my parents no longer speak to her -- and I no longer speak to my parents.

It was not my goal to make waves in the family. What can I do to fix the problems I've caused? And how can I get everyone on speaking terms again? Please help. -- BIG PROBLEM IN A LITTLE TOWN

DEAR BIG PROBLEM: You appear to be the daughter of very controlling parents. At 18, you are old enough to decide where you want to live, and the arrangement you have made appears to be mutually beneficial.

Being a companion to an elderly person in failing health is a heavy responsibility and certainly isn't chore-free. (Could it be that your parents miss your free labor at their house?) It is not your responsibility to "get everyone on speaking terms again." From my perspective, you not only deserve a pat on the back but also a thank-you for taking care of your grandmother.

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DEAR ABBY: I am upset about what my mother-in-law did at my wedding last Saturday. This is my second marriage and my husband, "Sherman's," first. Instead of eloping, we chose to have a wedding with family, close friends and only my children, who are 8 and 11. No other children were invited.

We made arrangements at a hotel to provide supervised activities and snacks for the children. One of my brothers refused to attend because he was unwilling to leave his son with someone he didn't know. My other brother went to great lengths to find a sitter of his own choosing.

My mother-in-law informed us before the wedding that she wanted to bring her daughter's 3- and 4-year-old children. We clearly stated that no children other than my own were invited and offered to include her grandchildren at the hotel with the other children. She declined the offer and assured us that the little ones would be taken care of by a friend of their father's.

Fifteen minutes before the ceremony, those little ones were out of control, waving plastic machine guns and running wild through the church. I asked that they be driven to the hotel immediately. They disappeared, and I assumed that's where they went. When the ceremony began, they were in the second row with Sherman's parents.

During the 30-minute service, they sat on various people's laps, kicked the back of the pew in front of them, shrieked, and loudly asked questions about what was going on. They turned an intimate, private affair into a circus.

Now my two brothers and sisters-in-law won't speak to me because they think I favored Sherman's family over my own. Other guests with older and better-behaved children are also upset because I told them only my children would be there.

I haven't slept a full night since because of this. Today Sherman confronted his mother. She said her grandchildren are family, and she wasn't about to exclude them, and if my brothers were upset, they should have brought their children, too.

I am at my wit's end. Sherman fully supports me in this. I don't want a fractured relationship with Sherman's mother, but I have never had anyone disregard my wishes with such effortless aplomb in my life. I no longer want to visit her, spend holidays with her or do anything with her at all. It bothers me that she has set a precedent of what she says, goes.

What can I reasonably do other than pack up my family and move to another state or country? -- MAD AS A HORNET IN N.C.

DEAR MAD AS A HORNET: Tell your siblings and their spouses -- in writing if necessary -- that what your mother-in-law did was against your expressed wishes.

Your mother-in-law was determined to get her way regardless of whom it offended. I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself. Under the circumstances, your feelings are understandable. Unless you live in a very small town, you don't have to move to another community to avoid your husband's mother. See her only when absolutely necessary. That rude, self-centered woman is nothing but trouble.

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