DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of nine months, "Brent," was killed in a car accident. I have been a mess ever since. I dropped out of school and have no job. I do not live with my parents, and I no longer have the love of my life.

One of Brent's best friends, "Doug," and I recently spent two intimate nights together. It was special and felt right.

Doug has had a girlfriend for almost two years. They are expecting a baby any day now. He has told me he wants to break up with her and move away with me because he feels he should look after me.

Another of Brent's good friends, "Brian," is a player. Brian doesn't respect women, but since he and I became close after the accident, he respects and watches out for me, too. One thing led to another with Brian, too, and we have done the deed many times.

I have feelings for both Doug and Brian, even though they don't come close to what I felt for Brent. Am I a horrible person for sleeping with Brent's two best friends after his death? I need advice on how to get out of this mess. -- GRIEVING WITH SEX

DEAR GRIEVING: Do not mistake what has happened with Brent's friends for love. It's time you talk to your spiritual adviser, join a grief support group and seek individual counseling. If possible, return to your parents for a while until you get your life back in order. It is important that you complete your education so you can become financially as well as emotionally independent.

P.S. Neither one of the young men you mentioned appears to be solid and mature enough for a serious relationship, so I urge you not to depend on either of them for anything. Both have taken advantage of your vulnerability.

DEAR ABBY: I turned 18 last year. When I started college, I moved in with my grandma on my father's side. My parents were furious. They said I moved out because "Gram" doesn't give me rules or chores.

I moved in with Gram because she doesn't see, hear, drive or even move well anymore. I drive her wherever she needs to go. My parents refuse to believe that I moved out to help Gram. It has reached the point that my parents no longer speak to her -- and I no longer speak to my parents.

It was not my goal to make waves in the family. What can I do to fix the problems I've caused? And how can I get everyone on speaking terms again? Please help. -- BIG PROBLEM IN A LITTLE TOWN

DEAR BIG PROBLEM: You appear to be the daughter of very controlling parents. At 18, you are old enough to decide where you want to live, and the arrangement you have made appears to be mutually beneficial.

Being a companion to an elderly person in failing health is a heavy responsibility and certainly isn't chore-free. (Could it be that your parents miss your free labor at their house?) It is not your responsibility to "get everyone on speaking terms again." From my perspective, you not only deserve a pat on the back but also a thank-you for taking care of your grandmother.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am upset about what my mother-in-law did at my wedding last Saturday. This is my second marriage and my husband, "Sherman's," first. Instead of eloping, we chose to have a wedding with family, close friends and only my children, who are 8 and 11. No other children were invited.

We made arrangements at a hotel to provide supervised activities and snacks for the children. One of my brothers refused to attend because he was unwilling to leave his son with someone he didn't know. My other brother went to great lengths to find a sitter of his own choosing.

My mother-in-law informed us before the wedding that she wanted to bring her daughter's 3- and 4-year-old children. We clearly stated that no children other than my own were invited and offered to include her grandchildren at the hotel with the other children. She declined the offer and assured us that the little ones would be taken care of by a friend of their father's.

Fifteen minutes before the ceremony, those little ones were out of control, waving plastic machine guns and running wild through the church. I asked that they be driven to the hotel immediately. They disappeared, and I assumed that's where they went. When the ceremony began, they were in the second row with Sherman's parents.

During the 30-minute service, they sat on various people's laps, kicked the back of the pew in front of them, shrieked, and loudly asked questions about what was going on. They turned an intimate, private affair into a circus.

Now my two brothers and sisters-in-law won't speak to me because they think I favored Sherman's family over my own. Other guests with older and better-behaved children are also upset because I told them only my children would be there.

I haven't slept a full night since because of this. Today Sherman confronted his mother. She said her grandchildren are family, and she wasn't about to exclude them, and if my brothers were upset, they should have brought their children, too.

I am at my wit's end. Sherman fully supports me in this. I don't want a fractured relationship with Sherman's mother, but I have never had anyone disregard my wishes with such effortless aplomb in my life. I no longer want to visit her, spend holidays with her or do anything with her at all. It bothers me that she has set a precedent of what she says, goes.

What can I reasonably do other than pack up my family and move to another state or country? -- MAD AS A HORNET IN N.C.

DEAR MAD AS A HORNET: Tell your siblings and their spouses -- in writing if necessary -- that what your mother-in-law did was against your expressed wishes.

Your mother-in-law was determined to get her way regardless of whom it offended. I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself. Under the circumstances, your feelings are understandable. Unless you live in a very small town, you don't have to move to another community to avoid your husband's mother. See her only when absolutely necessary. That rude, self-centered woman is nothing but trouble.

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DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my 8-year-old daughter and her friend were molested by a teenage boy from our church. My daughter came to me and told me about it. I immediately took her to the hospital and called the police.

This began a year of talking to detectives, district attorneys and therapists. During all this time, we were urged by friends of the boy's parents and other church members not to press charges. We had to move twice to avoid conflict with all the people who thought he was innocent.

When the court date finally arrived, my daughter and her friend took the stand separately to tell their stories while the boy and his parents stared at them.

My daughter showed remarkable courage. When the public defender tried to twist her words, she stood firm. At one point, she told the public defender that he was a liar when he said something untrue. She actually made the judge laugh.

I will not tell you she wasn't upset when she walked out of the courtroom. She went to her friend and gave her a big hug. Then her friend went in to testify. The boy was convicted.

I am sharing this story because our children are stronger than we give them credit for. Professionals have told me that the reason my daughter is OK now is because I let her stand up for herself and I believed in her.

I encourage parents and guardians of molested children to let the children stand up for themselves. Don't try to shelter them from the legal process. It is healing for them to assert their rights. -- STANDING UP FOR CHILDREN'S RIGHTS

DEAR STANDING UP: Thank you for the great letter. When you encouraged your daughter to fight back using the legal system, you empowered her and gave her closure. Too many innocent victims remain silent out of shame and fear -– and by doing so, they carry wounds that can last a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 10-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. She thinks my husband is her real father. She even carries his last name. Her real dad was an abusive drug addict who has had no contact with us.

Should I tell her the truth now? One day? Ever? I don't want him in her life, but I'm afraid that someday someone may slip and tell her, and then she will never forgive me.

Abby, this is so hard. I don't want to hurt my daughter, my husband or my other kids. -- NEEDS HELP IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDS: Tell your daughter now that you were married once before. She will have questions. Answer them honestly. The longer you put this off, the greater her shock will be. So do it now.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single father of an 18-month-old and am wondering why so many public places have no baby-changing stations available in areas where men can use them. I find it hard to shop or go out to eat because of this. I hope somebody can rectify this problem, or a lot of single dads will be looking for other places to spend their money. -- SINGLE DAD IN NEW YORK

DEAR SINGLE DAD: Over the past 10 years, I have noticed more and more fathers out with their babies and small children at shopping centers, restaurants, etc. Businesses that fail to recognize this culture change are shortsighted when they make it difficult for single dads or fathers who have their little ones for visitation. A word to the wise ...

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