DEAR ABBY: I am in my 30s. I have not lived at home for 10 years; however, my parents sold the family home a few months ago, and I got very depressed when the sale became final.

My parents are in excellent health and live nearby. I am grieving, but I don't know why. My brothers and sisters and I grew up in that house, and we all feel a real sense of loss.

Maybe I'm having trouble getting used to the idea that time marches on and that all good things eventually end. Also, we're not getting together as often as we used to when we gathered at the house.

Can you suggest anything that will help me move along with my life? I want to focus on positive things and not look back for something that is gone. -- GRIEVING FOR THE HOUSE

DEAR GRIEVING: The house was a symbol of your childhood. Now that it is gone, in a sense, so is your childhood. That may be a sad thought, but dwell on the positive. You have the rest of your life to live as an adult, with all the guaranteed rights and privileges that go along with it. If the family isn't gathering as often as it used to, consider starting new family traditions. Perhaps it's time for you and your siblings to trade off hosting holiday celebrations. Look at it this way: Nothing stays the same. Sometimes it gets better and better.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old mother of a beautiful 5-year-old daughter, "Donna." I was married to her father for a year. When we divorced, Donna and I relocated 600 miles away to move in with my new boyfriend. A year later, I realized that the relationship was going nowhere, so Donna and I returned to our hometown.

Four months later, I met "Gary." We've been together for two years now. Gary loves Donna and she loves him. However, he recently told me he has no intention of marrying me. (And like an idiot, I continue to let him spend the night.)

Donna cries when Gary and I fight, and now I'm afraid that if I leave him, Donna will have major abandonment issues and not trust men when she is older.

I know I am not being fair to my daughter, and I worry about whether it's too late to make things better for her. I don't want to give up dating for good, but I feel hatred toward Gary every time I think about how easy it would be for him to pack up and never see us again. I hate the fact that I let this happen and that there's nothing I can do to change it. I love Donna and would give my life for her, but I am confused because if I didn't have her, I would have no problem with my relationship with Gary. It just seems so unfair.

Will my daughter resent me for the selfish decision I have made? -- MIXED-UP MOM IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR MOM: That remains to be seen. As it stands, you have had a flash of insight about your lifestyle and your responsibilities as a mother.

The time has come to start thinking like a mature adult. That means putting your daughter first and not rushing into intimate relationships. If I were you, I'd consider taking a sanity break from men for a while. When you resume, do not introduce your daughter to the people you're dating until you are sure they are sincere and honorable.

P.S. Since Gary has no intention of guaranteeing a stable future for you and your child, end the relationship. This may seem harsh, but it will be less painful in the long run.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for three years. We moved in together eight months ago and have been talking about marriage as soon as we're financially stable.

Abby, we both have hot tempers. We don't get violent, but we flare up at the drop of a hat. We tend to take things personally and become defensive. When we fight, it's all-out war. Neither of us seems to be able to stop until it's too late, and by then, we have usually said hurtful things for which we're sorry.

How do people learn to fight fair and control their tempers? We love each other very much. -- HURT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HURT: Learning to "fight fair" is an acquired skill, and like any other skill it takes self-control and practice. When people disagree, it is helpful to stay on the subject when talking it out. That means refraining from dragging in baggage from previous arguments.

Another technique that can avert misunderstanding is to "mirror" what the other person has said. ("I heard you say you didn't like my outfit. Did you mean I'm getting fat?") In other words, the person might not have liked the color or style, but how will you know if you don't ask?

Another helpful technique is to ask yourself, before venting, "Is it true? Is it kind? It is hurtful? Is it helpful?" A trial lawyer once told me, "You can't unring the bell." This holds true in relationships as well as courtrooms.

I have published a booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," that readers have told me is helpful. It may be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a gospel minister, and members of the congregation are divided over whether to hold a baby shower for an unwed mother who is a member of the congregation. I have been told that it "is just not done." The expectant mother has made it right by repenting and asking for prayer.

Is there any rule of etiquette that prohibits having a baby shower for an unwed mother?

I want to help the young woman because the long road ahead will be difficult. But I also want to keep the congregation from dividing over the matter. -- MINISTER IN GEORGIA

DEAR MINISTER: There is no rule of etiquette that prohibits an unwed mother from being given a shower. And because of her unmarried status, she is going to need all the help she can get. Babies are expensive.

Since she repented, perhaps you should remind your flock of:

1. The Golden Rule. (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.)

2. Judge not lest ye be judged. And ...

3. Let he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone.

Your work is cut out for you, because your congregation seems to have forgotten a principle of their religion: Love one another.

DEAR ABBY: For years now, my dad's health has slowly deteriorated. He has good days when he kind of knows what's going on, and bad days when his whole world is off balance. Recently he suffered some mini-strokes, and last September the doctor diagnosed him with Alzheimer's.

I was there when Dad was diagnosed. You could see the look of relief on his face to finally have a name for what was going on inside him. He told the doctor, "Well, at least now I know I'm not going crazy" because it was a medical condition he could comprehend.

The problem is his siblings. They get angry at Mom when she tells the doctor how Dad is at home and accuse her of exaggerating. They get upset with us for not letting Dad drive, even though he doesn't see well and has been known to get lost. They have even gone behind our backs and told Dad he does not have Alzheimer's, which only compounds the problem.

Some of Dad's siblings see him only once a week at church. They all insist he is "fine" and blame Mom for his lack of "spirit." One aunt, in particular, is cold and nasty toward Mom.

Poor Mom has a hard enough time being caregiver to a man who doesn't always recognize us and can't remember names. There are times when Dad runs to the neighbors saying, "People are in the house trying to steal things."

Mom, who has always been a strong woman, cries almost daily. She does not deserve nor need the aggravation that Dad's siblings are causing. She loves Dad and wants, as we do, only the best for him.

How can I handle this? Mom wanted to include Dad's family in what is going on with him, but all it's done is bring heartache and sadness. -- THEY'RE NOT HELPING

DEAR THEY'RE NOT HELPING: You and your mother have my deepest sympathy. Your father's siblings are in deep denial -- which is probably why they can't bring themselves to admit what is really happening. Their anger at your mother is part of their denial. They would rather believe that she is exaggerating than come to grips with the truth.

What your mother needs now is emotional support. I recommend that she contact the Alzheimer's Association ((800) 272-3900) for the location of the nearest support group. No caregiver should have to go through this experience alone -- and with their help, she won't.

P.S. Your father should not be out of the house unescorted, and he certainly does not belong behind the wheel of a car.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "SHOULD I JOIN FRIEND'S UNIQUE VENTURE?": There's an old saying, "Never test the depth of the water with both feet." Consider the risks carefully, consult a lawyer before agreeing, and get everything in writing.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)