DEAR ABBY: I am 15. I have been in a relationship with "Adam" for four years, but things just don't seem the same. I met him when I was 11 and we have been together ever since. I waited until my 14th birthday to give him my virginity and we were in love way before that. He is the only guy I have ever loved.

It seems like we fight all the time. He has never hit me or anything, but he has shaken me, and I'm wondering if he would ever hit me in the future. Do you think we should stay together? I want to, but at the same time I don't.

I never thought I'd say that, but I'm sure it means something. What should I do? -- TENNESSEE TEEN

DEAR TEEN: Let me explain something to you. Abusive behavior does not spring from the egg, fully formed like a chicken. It starts out small and grows like a vine until it weighs down and smothers the victim. I'll bet Adam didn't start out by shaking you. It probably started with nasty comments, then yelling -- and now this. Will it continue to escalate? Very likely, unless Adam learns that it is unacceptable behavior and is willing to find acceptable ways of displaying his anger.

The preteen and teen years are supposed to be a time of growth and learning, both intellectually and socially. You have limited yourself to one person for too long, and on some level, I think you already know that. Tell Adam you no longer want an exclusive relationship, that you intend to concentrate on your studies and see other people. Then do it. If he doesn't like it, get your parents involved. I'm sure they will set him straight in a hurry.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student in a small town. Eight months ago, I met a wonderful young man, and we were planning to be married until I told him about my past.

My stepfather molested me. It was long ago, and I have since forgiven him and my mother. (Mother is still married to him.)

My boyfriend, however, cannot forgive them. He tried to convince my mother to leave my stepfather. She refused, and now my boyfriend and my mother no longer speak.

He says things will never work out because of this rift he has with my family. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, but he says he can't be around my family, and it isn't fair to ask me to give them up.

Was I wrong to expect him to support my decision to forgive them? -- DESPERATE IN TEXAS

DEAR DESPERATE: Your boyfriend's inability to forgive your mother is rooted in his caring for you. When you marry someone, in a sense you also marry that person's family. You family is so dysfunctional that it may have scared this young man off. His fears might be allayed if you're willing to cut your ties to your mother, but it's no guarantee.

That your mother stayed married to the abuser who molested you speaks volumes. That you opted to "forgive" them both was a personal choice you made -- but that doesn't change the fact that your mother's husband is a child molester. What makes you think he wouldn't be a danger to your children in the future? Think about it.

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DEAR ABBY: I married "Jerry" five years ago. I am 37 and he's 26. From the beginning, Jerry has said hurtful things from time to time, like, "Our marriage is over," "I want a divorce," etc. He also refuses to do household repairs. (He moved into my house.)

When Jerry doesn't get his way, he accuses me of being selfish. He wants us to buy a new house. Abby, I am terrified of going further into debt with him. We've been to marriage counseling. We were told the worst thing we could do is to buy another house together. We would only move our problems to a new location.

Yesterday was the last straw. He said, "You may look young, but you're old. No one is ever going to want you for anything except what they can get out of you!"

I have not confided this to a single soul. I'm too ashamed that the man I married could think something so cruel -- let alone say it.

Jerry always apologizes, but I can't seem to get past this. When I think about what he said, I start to cry. (He can't understand why I'm not able to "get over it" and jump into bed.)

Abby, I look a decade younger than my actual age. May I add, Jerry is no Mr. Universe, although he seems to think he is. What do you think of this situation, and most of all -- me? -- CRUSHED IN THE ROCKIES

DEAR CRUSHED: You are married to a verbal abuser. He uses insults and deprecation the way other abusers use their fists. If you continue to accept this treatment, your self-esteem will eventually dwindle to zero -- which is his goal.

You've tried counseling. It hasn't worked. Now it's time to ask yourself, "Are you better off with him or without him?" The answer is obvious to me.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have worked long and hard on our yard to make it a beautiful, peaceful retreat. Last year, we had it landscaped and added a lovely pond with koi fish and a small waterfall. We both work and time is limited, so we enjoy it mostly in the mornings with our coffee.

The problem is since we added the pond, our yard has become a "public park"! Almost every day we go outside and find people in our yard -- even strangers -- asking questions about the cost of the renovation.

We finally put up a fence, but folks have climbed it to look at the waterfall they could hear from the front walk. How can we stop this? I want to put up a sign that says, "If you weren't invited, you're not welcome."

The clincher came yesterday, when I went out early with my coffee to find a neighbor occupying my lawn chair with HER coffee! She said she was glad we had put in the pond because she had always wanted one -- and now she can come and meditate at ours. -- HAD ENOUGH IN SOUTH FLORIDA

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: It's time to speak clearly. If you're feeling generous, designate one day a month for your nervy neighbor to meditate beside your pond (before you PRE-meditate murdering her), and tell her that the rest of the time you and your husband need your privacy.

If you're not feeling generous, post the sign. There may be repercussions, but the option of having visitors should be yours.

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DEAR ABBY: "Burt" and I have been married 14 years. We have two beautiful children -- a boy and a girl -- ages 8 and 11. Burt works in sales. I am a designer and run my business out of our home, so that I can be here when the children come home from school.

For the last couple of years, Burt has complained that the "spice" has gone out of our marriage. He did some Internet research and found a swingers group in our community. At first, he only did some chatting online, but now he wants us to go to one of their parties. I told him I'm against it, but he insists. The idea of exposing myself to strangers is mortifying. But the more I tell him no, the more insistent he becomes.

Should I agree to it to save our marriage? -- WAVERING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WAVERING: No. If you do, the dynamics of your marriage will change forever -- and not for the better.

Great sex is all about great communication. If a dish isn't spicy enough, I see nothing to be gained by diluting it. To do something that makes you uncomfortable or is morally repugnant will not only not save your marriage, it could also be the straw that breaks the camel's back. A healthier solution for what ails your marriage would be to consult a sex therapist or a marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has Parkinson's disease with dementia. I have good friends who ask me to coffee or lunch to get me out of the house, but what I'd really like is if they'd ask my HUSBAND out to coffee or lunch.

Every hour I'm away, I worry about him. Plus, I have not been by myself in this house for eight years.

Please pass on a message to your readers. If you really want to help, offer to take out the ill person, and give the caregiver some quiet time. -- NEEDING A BREAK

DEAR NEEDING: To expect someone not trained in caring for a patient with dementia to take the person out into unfamiliar surroundings is asking a lot. It may be too much responsibility for your friends to assume.

A better solution would be to arrange for respite care for your husband. You could have your quiet time, or time alone in the house, by asking your husband's doctor which senior centers in your vicinity are equipped to provide safe activities for him on a regular basis. Either that, or contact Faith in Action at www.FaithinAction.org or (877) 324-8411. It's a national program that helps establish community programs providing volunteer care to neighbors with long-term health needs.

DEAR ABBY: I just returned from visiting my 26-year-old daughter, her 27-year-old live-in fiance and their 4-month-old twins. They live in Kansas, where they own their home, and both have good jobs.

During dinner Saturday night, my daughter asked me if I plan to pay for their wedding next June. Am I obligated to help them financially? -- THEY LIVE IN KANSAS

DEAR KANSAS: No, you are not. A wedding is a gift from the parent or parents. It is not, and should not be considered an obligation. Your daughter and her fiance are self-supporting and can pay for their own wedding. If you wish to contribute money toward their wedding, it would be a generous gift. But under no circumstances should you feel put on the spot to do so.

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