DEAR ABBY: I married "Jerry" five years ago. I am 37 and he's 26. From the beginning, Jerry has said hurtful things from time to time, like, "Our marriage is over," "I want a divorce," etc. He also refuses to do household repairs. (He moved into my house.)

When Jerry doesn't get his way, he accuses me of being selfish. He wants us to buy a new house. Abby, I am terrified of going further into debt with him. We've been to marriage counseling. We were told the worst thing we could do is to buy another house together. We would only move our problems to a new location.

Yesterday was the last straw. He said, "You may look young, but you're old. No one is ever going to want you for anything except what they can get out of you!"

I have not confided this to a single soul. I'm too ashamed that the man I married could think something so cruel -- let alone say it.

Jerry always apologizes, but I can't seem to get past this. When I think about what he said, I start to cry. (He can't understand why I'm not able to "get over it" and jump into bed.)

Abby, I look a decade younger than my actual age. May I add, Jerry is no Mr. Universe, although he seems to think he is. What do you think of this situation, and most of all -- me? -- CRUSHED IN THE ROCKIES

DEAR CRUSHED: You are married to a verbal abuser. He uses insults and deprecation the way other abusers use their fists. If you continue to accept this treatment, your self-esteem will eventually dwindle to zero -- which is his goal.

You've tried counseling. It hasn't worked. Now it's time to ask yourself, "Are you better off with him or without him?" The answer is obvious to me.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have worked long and hard on our yard to make it a beautiful, peaceful retreat. Last year, we had it landscaped and added a lovely pond with koi fish and a small waterfall. We both work and time is limited, so we enjoy it mostly in the mornings with our coffee.

The problem is since we added the pond, our yard has become a "public park"! Almost every day we go outside and find people in our yard -- even strangers -- asking questions about the cost of the renovation.

We finally put up a fence, but folks have climbed it to look at the waterfall they could hear from the front walk. How can we stop this? I want to put up a sign that says, "If you weren't invited, you're not welcome."

The clincher came yesterday, when I went out early with my coffee to find a neighbor occupying my lawn chair with HER coffee! She said she was glad we had put in the pond because she had always wanted one -- and now she can come and meditate at ours. -- HAD ENOUGH IN SOUTH FLORIDA

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: It's time to speak clearly. If you're feeling generous, designate one day a month for your nervy neighbor to meditate beside your pond (before you PRE-meditate murdering her), and tell her that the rest of the time you and your husband need your privacy.

If you're not feeling generous, post the sign. There may be repercussions, but the option of having visitors should be yours.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Burt" and I have been married 14 years. We have two beautiful children -- a boy and a girl -- ages 8 and 11. Burt works in sales. I am a designer and run my business out of our home, so that I can be here when the children come home from school.

For the last couple of years, Burt has complained that the "spice" has gone out of our marriage. He did some Internet research and found a swingers group in our community. At first, he only did some chatting online, but now he wants us to go to one of their parties. I told him I'm against it, but he insists. The idea of exposing myself to strangers is mortifying. But the more I tell him no, the more insistent he becomes.

Should I agree to it to save our marriage? -- WAVERING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WAVERING: No. If you do, the dynamics of your marriage will change forever -- and not for the better.

Great sex is all about great communication. If a dish isn't spicy enough, I see nothing to be gained by diluting it. To do something that makes you uncomfortable or is morally repugnant will not only not save your marriage, it could also be the straw that breaks the camel's back. A healthier solution for what ails your marriage would be to consult a sex therapist or a marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has Parkinson's disease with dementia. I have good friends who ask me to coffee or lunch to get me out of the house, but what I'd really like is if they'd ask my HUSBAND out to coffee or lunch.

Every hour I'm away, I worry about him. Plus, I have not been by myself in this house for eight years.

Please pass on a message to your readers. If you really want to help, offer to take out the ill person, and give the caregiver some quiet time. -- NEEDING A BREAK

DEAR NEEDING: To expect someone not trained in caring for a patient with dementia to take the person out into unfamiliar surroundings is asking a lot. It may be too much responsibility for your friends to assume.

A better solution would be to arrange for respite care for your husband. You could have your quiet time, or time alone in the house, by asking your husband's doctor which senior centers in your vicinity are equipped to provide safe activities for him on a regular basis. Either that, or contact Faith in Action at www.FaithinAction.org or (877) 324-8411. It's a national program that helps establish community programs providing volunteer care to neighbors with long-term health needs.

DEAR ABBY: I just returned from visiting my 26-year-old daughter, her 27-year-old live-in fiance and their 4-month-old twins. They live in Kansas, where they own their home, and both have good jobs.

During dinner Saturday night, my daughter asked me if I plan to pay for their wedding next June. Am I obligated to help them financially? -- THEY LIVE IN KANSAS

DEAR KANSAS: No, you are not. A wedding is a gift from the parent or parents. It is not, and should not be considered an obligation. Your daughter and her fiance are self-supporting and can pay for their own wedding. If you wish to contribute money toward their wedding, it would be a generous gift. But under no circumstances should you feel put on the spot to do so.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Rise and shine, and welcome to the New Year! This is our chance for a new beginning, the day we discard destructive habits for healthy new ones. With that in mind, I'm printing Dear Abby's oft-requested list of New Year's resolutions -- adapted by my mother from the original credo of Al-Anon.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I will not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only for today. And just for today, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

And now, Dear Readers, I would like to share an item that was sent to me last year, too late to print for New Year's. It was sent by a reader, I.J. Bhatia, who lives in New Delhi, India, with the following message:

DEAR ABBY: Every year we make New Year's resolutions -- only to break them. This year no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say, "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature." The following Prayer of Saint Francis contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

May we find peace and joy in this new year.

To one and all, a happy, healthy 2004! -- Love, ABBY

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)