DEAR ABBY: I have been hopelessly in love with the father of my baby, "Alan," for three years. I know Alan loves me even though he can't commit. I am also very close to his parents.

I have reached the point where I accept that it's time for me to move on, even though I would prefer to spend the rest of my life with him.

The problem is, Alan's parents think of me as family. They are very religious. I know they must have picked up on some of the friction that's happening between us. They keep saying that things will work out if we just stay in prayer.

I desperately want to have a heart-to-heart talk with Alan's mom so she understands that it's no one's fault and there should be no hard feelings.

How can I explain without hurting them that maybe it's best for everyone if I don't come around during family gatherings? Please help. -- CONFUSED AND IN LOVE IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: I, too, believe in the power of prayer, but in your case it's time to move on. Do not allow yourself to be made to feel guilty and accept the status quo.

Have the heart-to-heart talk with Alan's mother. Say sweetly but directly, "I love you and I love your son. You will always be this child's grandparents. But I need a husband who will help me to raise your grandchild, and Alan is unable to commit."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old guy, and I'm involved with an older woman I'll call Carmen.

Carmen has three daughters from previous relationships. I have no authority over them, and they show me no respect. Even though they talk rudely to me, I'm supposed to accept it. Carmen demands everything be done her way, and I have no voice in anything that happens in my home.

Carmen's youngest daughter, "Talia," recently got a kitten. We agreed it would not be kept in the house because I am allergic to cats. I make my living as a singer, and if I can't breathe, I can't earn money to support us. I've explained this to all the girls, but no one seems to care as long as they get what they want. Talia whines, and the cat is inside. What should I do? -- DESPERATE IN INDIANA

DEAR DESPERATE: If the house belongs to you, lay down the law. The cat goes, or they all go. If the house belongs to Carmen, read the handwriting on the wall of "your" home, and make other living arrangements pronto. Your health and your career depend on it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old guy, and I'm involved with an older woman I'll call Carmen.

Carmen has three daughters from previous relationships. I have no authority over them, and they show me no respect. Even though they talk rudely to me, I'm supposed to accept it. Carmen demands everything be done her way, and I have no voice in anything that happens in my home.

Carmen's youngest daughter, "Talia," recently got a kitten. We agreed it would not be kept in the house because I am allergic to cats. I make my living as a singer, and if I can't breathe, I can't earn money to support us. I've explained this to all the girls, but no one seems to care as long as they get what they want. Talia whines, and the cat is inside. What should I do? -- DESPERATE IN INDIANA

DEAR DESPERATE: If the house belongs to you, lay down the law. The cat goes, or they all go. If the house belongs to Carmen, read the handwriting on the wall of "your" home, and make other living arrangements pronto. Your health and your career depend on it.

DEAR ABBY: I broke my engagement to my fiancee, "Shirley," recently. I am sad, but I know it's better to have ended it now, rather than have a divorce down the road.

The engagement ring and wedding bands are back in my possession, and I would like to "dispose" of them because they are painful reminders of our failed relationship. How can I salvage some of my investment? It is no longer possible to return them to the jeweler, and a pawn shop will never give me their full value. Any suggestions? -- TRYING TO MOVE ON IN CHICAGO

DEAR TRYING TO MOVE ON: Have the rings appraised. Get the appraisal in writing. Take it to your accountant and discuss donating them to a charity. You may take a loss, but consider it "tuition" in the school of experience.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost three years. Like every marriage, we've had our ups and downs. My husband constantly accuses me of having an affair. I've never given him any reason not to trust me, nor have I been with anybody else since we married.

He constantly asks, "Where did you go? Who did you go with? What time did you go? How long were you there?" I stay home all day so he won't give me the third degree.

On Fridays when he gets paid, he picks a fight so he can leave. He doesn't return until Sunday, and then half his cash is gone. During the week, he stays up until the wee hours of the morning, even though he has to get up at 5 a.m. for work.

Also, I have found pieces of burnt foil in his belongings, along with a straw. Once I even found drugs.

I pack my husband a good lunch every day. I'm loving and have his dinner ready when he comes home. I don't go anywhere or do anything. Please help me. I don't know what else to do. -- PRISONER IN SALINAS

DEAR PRISONER: You are either married to the Energizer Bunny, or your husband is using some kind of stimulant. The fact that you found drug paraphernalia is your first clue. The disappearing act he pulls every payday should be another. Among the side effects of stimulants are a short temper and paranoia. Your husband exhibits both behaviors.

Please understand that what is wrong in your marriage has nothing to do with you. If you love your husband, give him an ultimatum: Get off the drugs and get into a rehabilitation program, or his marriage to you is over. (Your doctor can give you a referral for rehab.) For your own mental health, you must be prepared to follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing because my 12-year-old daughter, "Dorothy," is pregnant for the second time. Due to our religion, we do not believe in birth control or abortion. We kept the first baby, but we're afraid if we keep the second, Dorothy will continue to have premarital sex. Should we abort this one or let her have this baby, too? Please reply soon. -- CONCERNED PARENT IN TEXAS

DEAR CONCERNED: Whether your 12-year-old daughter should carry her second child to term is not a decision I can, or should, make for you. Because of her tender age, there could be medical risks involved. Take your cues from her OB/GYN.

It should be clear by now that your daughter is, and will continue to be, sexually active. Unless you intend to keep her under lock and key, she MUST be educated about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control. Since you consider using birth control a sin, please consider that it's a bigger sin to bring children into this world if you cannot educate and support them emotionally and financially.

P.S. You haven't mentioned how old the father(s) of these babies are. If they are more than four years older than Dorothy, she could be a victim of statutory rape, and you should notify the police.

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and pregnant. My baby's father is a 35-year-old teacher at my school. He doesn't know I'm pregnant, and I'm afraid if I tell him, he'll be mad.

My parents know I'm pregnant, and they are devastated. But they do not know who the father is.

I am having trouble sleeping, and I'm sick most mornings. What should I do? Please help. -- PREGNANT IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR PREGNANT: You MUST tell your parents who the father is. You need their emotional support, and I'm sure you'll receive it once they understand what has happened. You should not have to tell this teacher about your pregnancy alone. Your parents, the principal and the local police should do it with you. If he does get mad, it should be at himself for betraying his trusted role as an educator and committing statutory rape. Please do not be afraid to speak up, and don't blame yourself. What your teacher did is criminal.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jessica," is a terrific teenager. She works hard in school and has a nice group of friends. She and her friends have never been involved with alcohol or drugs, largely because they have stayed away from the crowd that uses them.

Next year, Jessica is going off to college where beer and pot will be everywhere. I am concerned because, unbeknownst to Jessica, there is alcoholism in our family. My father started drinking heavily after we kids were grown and gone. He was never abusive or falling-down drunk, but he was alcohol-dependent. He'd fall asleep in his chair by 7 every night.

Mother finally confronted him, and although he never sought professional help, he managed to get his problem under control.

I'm not proud our family wasn't more up-front about Dad's drinking. Mom and Dad both wanted to cope with it privately, and although Mom confided in my brothers and me, it has remained a family secret.

I know alcoholism may be genetic, and I am torn about disclosing my father's history to Jessica. I want her to know she may have reason to be particularly careful about drinking, but I don't want to spoil her relationship with, or her respect for, her grandfather. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOM, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR WORRIED MOM: For the valid reason you have stated, you must discuss the potential problem with your daughter. Since her grandfather faced his drinking problem and dealt with it, I see no reason why it would cause her to lose respect for him.

Another important reason you should bring up this subject is the reality of binge drinking on many college campuses. Some young people who are away from home for the first time go hog-wild and do foolish things -- like competing to see who can consume the most alcohol in the shortest period of time. The results can be fatal. Also, people stoned on alcohol (or any mind-altering substance) may make other unwise choices, such as having unprotected sex.

You are a caring parent, and you have a year to discuss these subjects with your daughter. Start now, and next fall you'll send her off knowing you have prepared her to the best of your ability.

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