DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Peter" for almost four years, and we have three children under the age of 4. It is a second marriage for both of us, and I assumed it would be for a lifetime.

About a year ago, I discovered Peter was picking up prostitutes two to three times a week. When I confronted him, he accused me of making it up. He continued to cheat and has become physically abusive as well.

Peter expects me to behave as though nothing happened! My hopes and dreams have been destroyed by this man. I don't know if our marriage can survive the trauma. Can you shed some light on this for me? -- TIRED OF BEING A DOORMAT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TIRED: Gladly, because it's time for you to SEE the light. Your husband is a sexually addicted abuser. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? How do you think it will affect your children to see you being brutalized?

I urge you to make an appointment with your doctor to be sure your husband hasn't given you an STD -- or to be treated in case he has. Then call the domestic violence toll-free hotline: (800) 799-7233, and contact an attorney who specializes in family law.

DEAR ABBY: My husband took his own life nearly 30 years ago. I have been in individual and group therapy for 20 years and in 12-step recovery for 15. Not surprisingly, my problems affected my kids when they were young.

They both live far away now. My daughter, "Margie," is in therapy and recovery. My son is in denial.

Five years ago, Margie asked her brother and me not to contact her for a while. She said she needed time and space to work on specific issues independently. I have friends who have done this with good long-term results, so it made sense to me.

Recently a few friends have urged me to write Margie and tell her I miss her. Others, including my AA friends, praise my respect for her process and say they wish they had received similar support from their families.

I regard contacting her as disrespectful, if not abusive. The door is not closed. Margie said she would resume contact when she is ready.

What do you think? -- WILLING TO QUESTION

DEAR WILLING: Since you're gathering advice, I'll put in my 2 cents' worth. Five years of silence is enough. Write Margie and tell her that while you respect her "process," you miss her. If she ignores your letter, it's her prerogative. At least you will have made the gesture of trying to bridge the gap, and that is what is important.

DEAR ABBY: I was married a little over a year ago. My husband and I received many lovely gifts. I immediately sat down and wrote my thank-you notes. However, it's been a busy year and I haven't addressed the notes or mailed them yet.

Do you think it's too late? Or should I still send them? -- BLUSHING BRIDE IN BALTIMORE

DEAR BLUSHING BRIDE: It's never too late to do the gracious thing. Send 'em out!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 12, and people say I am cute. My problem is, I want boys to like me for who I am, not because I have a big bust. I hate it. How can I make boys realize that I am much more than that? -- DARLENE IN DALLAS

DEAR DARLENE: It may not be easy, because in our society it is normal for boys your age -- and older -- to fixate on a woman's "physical assets." However, one way to accomplish it is by dressing to make your bust size less noticeable. Another way is to impress them with attributes you want them to notice -- your intelligence, your personality, or some other talent or special quality.

Please consider this: Your bust size may seem like a curse now, but it can also be an advantage because it will be obvious which men care only about that, and it will help you to weed out the undesirables.

DEAR ABBY: I am a part-time server at a nice restaurant. Recently a woman came in to have lunch with "Vic," the owner. Vic paid for the woman's lunch and tipped me before he left. The woman stayed longer and talked to me for a while. When she left, she handed me a small tip. I hesitated but felt she'd be offended if I refused.

Two weeks later, this woman saw me at my other job and said Vic told her he had tipped me. She then demanded her money back. I was horrified. I didn't have cash on me so I told her to stop by the restaurant later in the week. I said I would apologize to Vic, but she said she didn't want him to know.

I feel awful about taking her tip. I mentioned it to another employee, and she said I shouldn't feel bad because what this woman did was appalling. Was I wrong in taking the tip? -- SHOCKED SERVER IN AMERICA

DEAR SHOCKED: When the woman offered you the tip, you should have told her Vic had already taken care of it. However, for her to demand the money back was rude. Return the money and steer clear of her in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Curtis" for 10 years. His wife recently found out about us and blocked my number from his telephone. (As though that's going to stop us from talking!)

I see Curtis every day. Everyone knows, and some people think we're married. Curtis has been part of my life and my family for so long I can't imagine life without him.

I love Curtis and he loves me. It just seems like he doesn't want anything to change. I have tried to end the relationship, but Curtis keeps coming back. He says he is not in love with his wife and that he will leave if she runs him off. I'm so confused.

I love Curtis. I don't want to be without him. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life as the "other woman" either. If Curtis' wife is willing to put up with knowing the truth about us, should I stay with him? -- SECOND PLACE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR SECOND PLACE: Why should Curtis change anything? He has a wife who tolerates his straying and a honey on the side who believes anything he tells her. Do you really want someone who will be with you only by default?

You have already thrown away 10 years of your life on this addiction. Regardless of what his wife does, you should quit cold turkey.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My teenage sister and I both live at home with our single mom. Lately she has been acting like a teen in love -- giddy, staying out late, and hiding to take her phone calls. We have even caught her kissing this man, "Gary."

Mom denies any romantic relationship with Gary, who is married with children. But when his name comes up, she talks endlessly about how mean and horrible his wife is. Mom has never met his wife, so she must be getting her information from Gary.

We overheard him tell Mom that his wife had found his cell phone bill and knew that he was calling Mom a lot. So last month, Mom bought Gary another cell phone. We can't afford that! We struggle to pay our bills, and my sister and I have loaned Mom money for her car insurance.

Mom has often expressed a fear of being alone. We are happy that she is feeling good about herself and dating again, but with Gary, she's headed for trouble. We don't want her hurt. How can we help? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WORRIED: Be there to offer emotional support, because your mother is on thin ice. Gary's wife is already suspicious, and it's only a matter of time until he gets caught. The situation is bad. Your mother is lying to herself, lying to you, and setting a terrible example. Learn from her mistakes.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Adrian" for eight years -- and he still doesn't want to commit to anything other than living together. I have tried explaining the issues of security, honor and respect, and the fact that I have proven I'm a worthy partner and deserve to be his wife.

Adrian is 45 and was married once. I am 39 and have been divorced twice. He uses my divorces as justification for not wanting to give up his independence.

He recently bought a new home. It is solely in his name because I couldn't afford to help with the closing costs or pay half the mortgage payment. I have a good job and contribute to all our bills. I am not looking for a free ride and have always been willing to pay my own way. After eight years, I do not have one joint bill nor do I own any thing with him jointly.

When I try to discuss marriage with Adrian, he becomes angry and verbally abusive. Is this how you treat somebody you love? I feel I'm being punished for wanting a future with him. Please give me some sound advice. -- WANTS RESPECT IN MARYLAND

DEAR WANTS RESPECT: You are an intelligent woman. You fail to see the security in this relationship because there is none. Meanwhile, Adrian is sitting in clover. For eight years he has enjoyed the benefits of a roommate and bed partner. If you protest, he keeps you in line by becoming abusive. Does that sound like love to you?

Ask yourself, Why have I tolerated the situation for so long? If it's a secure future you want, you won't find it with Adrian. He has already demonstrated that the only things he "loves" are himself and his tangible assets. If you leave you'll be available to meet someone who can give you a secure future. Please don't wait. Pack your bags now.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)