DEAR ABBY: I am 12, and people say I am cute. My problem is, I want boys to like me for who I am, not because I have a big bust. I hate it. How can I make boys realize that I am much more than that? -- DARLENE IN DALLAS

DEAR DARLENE: It may not be easy, because in our society it is normal for boys your age -- and older -- to fixate on a woman's "physical assets." However, one way to accomplish it is by dressing to make your bust size less noticeable. Another way is to impress them with attributes you want them to notice -- your intelligence, your personality, or some other talent or special quality.

Please consider this: Your bust size may seem like a curse now, but it can also be an advantage because it will be obvious which men care only about that, and it will help you to weed out the undesirables.

DEAR ABBY: I am a part-time server at a nice restaurant. Recently a woman came in to have lunch with "Vic," the owner. Vic paid for the woman's lunch and tipped me before he left. The woman stayed longer and talked to me for a while. When she left, she handed me a small tip. I hesitated but felt she'd be offended if I refused.

Two weeks later, this woman saw me at my other job and said Vic told her he had tipped me. She then demanded her money back. I was horrified. I didn't have cash on me so I told her to stop by the restaurant later in the week. I said I would apologize to Vic, but she said she didn't want him to know.

I feel awful about taking her tip. I mentioned it to another employee, and she said I shouldn't feel bad because what this woman did was appalling. Was I wrong in taking the tip? -- SHOCKED SERVER IN AMERICA

DEAR SHOCKED: When the woman offered you the tip, you should have told her Vic had already taken care of it. However, for her to demand the money back was rude. Return the money and steer clear of her in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Curtis" for 10 years. His wife recently found out about us and blocked my number from his telephone. (As though that's going to stop us from talking!)

I see Curtis every day. Everyone knows, and some people think we're married. Curtis has been part of my life and my family for so long I can't imagine life without him.

I love Curtis and he loves me. It just seems like he doesn't want anything to change. I have tried to end the relationship, but Curtis keeps coming back. He says he is not in love with his wife and that he will leave if she runs him off. I'm so confused.

I love Curtis. I don't want to be without him. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life as the "other woman" either. If Curtis' wife is willing to put up with knowing the truth about us, should I stay with him? -- SECOND PLACE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR SECOND PLACE: Why should Curtis change anything? He has a wife who tolerates his straying and a honey on the side who believes anything he tells her. Do you really want someone who will be with you only by default?

You have already thrown away 10 years of your life on this addiction. Regardless of what his wife does, you should quit cold turkey.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My teenage sister and I both live at home with our single mom. Lately she has been acting like a teen in love -- giddy, staying out late, and hiding to take her phone calls. We have even caught her kissing this man, "Gary."

Mom denies any romantic relationship with Gary, who is married with children. But when his name comes up, she talks endlessly about how mean and horrible his wife is. Mom has never met his wife, so she must be getting her information from Gary.

We overheard him tell Mom that his wife had found his cell phone bill and knew that he was calling Mom a lot. So last month, Mom bought Gary another cell phone. We can't afford that! We struggle to pay our bills, and my sister and I have loaned Mom money for her car insurance.

Mom has often expressed a fear of being alone. We are happy that she is feeling good about herself and dating again, but with Gary, she's headed for trouble. We don't want her hurt. How can we help? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WORRIED: Be there to offer emotional support, because your mother is on thin ice. Gary's wife is already suspicious, and it's only a matter of time until he gets caught. The situation is bad. Your mother is lying to herself, lying to you, and setting a terrible example. Learn from her mistakes.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Adrian" for eight years -- and he still doesn't want to commit to anything other than living together. I have tried explaining the issues of security, honor and respect, and the fact that I have proven I'm a worthy partner and deserve to be his wife.

Adrian is 45 and was married once. I am 39 and have been divorced twice. He uses my divorces as justification for not wanting to give up his independence.

He recently bought a new home. It is solely in his name because I couldn't afford to help with the closing costs or pay half the mortgage payment. I have a good job and contribute to all our bills. I am not looking for a free ride and have always been willing to pay my own way. After eight years, I do not have one joint bill nor do I own any thing with him jointly.

When I try to discuss marriage with Adrian, he becomes angry and verbally abusive. Is this how you treat somebody you love? I feel I'm being punished for wanting a future with him. Please give me some sound advice. -- WANTS RESPECT IN MARYLAND

DEAR WANTS RESPECT: You are an intelligent woman. You fail to see the security in this relationship because there is none. Meanwhile, Adrian is sitting in clover. For eight years he has enjoyed the benefits of a roommate and bed partner. If you protest, he keeps you in line by becoming abusive. Does that sound like love to you?

Ask yourself, Why have I tolerated the situation for so long? If it's a secure future you want, you won't find it with Adrian. He has already demonstrated that the only things he "loves" are himself and his tangible assets. If you leave you'll be available to meet someone who can give you a secure future. Please don't wait. Pack your bags now.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mom has not been herself ever since her boyfriend beat her. For example, we were baking a cake. I accidentally bumped into her and she got really mad. We used to just laugh about things like that.

As a matter of fact, she doesn't laugh at all anymore.

I miss the mom who would play games with me or blast up the music when we were in the car together. She used to dance with me, or make me soup and crackers even when I wasn't sick. Sometimes Mom would make hot chocolate with marshmallows, and we'd sit on the porch and talk about everything. All my friends thought she was the coolest, and they wished their moms were like her.

Now she's caught up with her boyfriend and college and never has time for me. We don't talk and she doesn't dance with me anymore. I miss her so much. What can I do? -- FEELS LIKE AN ORPHAN

DEAR FEELS: It's time to talk to your mother. No one has a right to raise a hand in anger against another person, and that includes her abusive boyfriend. She needs to know about the help that's available from the Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233.

I sincerely hope your mother sees the light, and that you get your loving, fun-filled parent back soon. From your description, it appears the joy has gone out of her life, too.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, my 68-year-old mother-in-law, "Gladys," moved into our home with us. Now I don't know how much longer I can take living in the same house with her. I have a full-time job, plus all the household duties to take care of when I get home. Gladys doesn't lift a finger to help, and does nothing but complain about how bad she feels day in and day out.

Please give me some advice. I don't want to hurt my mother-in-law's feelings, but I am burned out. I don't even like being at home anymore. -- TOO MUCH TO HANDLE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TOO MUCH: With three adults living under the same roof, there is no reason why you have been stuck with "all the household duties" -- assuming Gladys is in reasonably good health. I don't know if your mother-in-law is depressed or if complaining is her way of communicating.

So have a frank discussion with your husband. Marital or family counseling may be in order. Gladys may be no spring chicken, but she isn't over the hill. She should have some friends and a social life of her own. It's possible that all of you might be happier if Gladys moved to an independent living complex with contemporaries.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Delia" died recently, causing a lot of people to be very upset. Surprisingly, her death hasn't affected me at all. Friends have called, sobbing hysterically. I haven't shed a tear. Could it be because I refuse to believe it? Or that I don't really care? Please help me. I am confused. -- SCARED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SCARED: Losing a friend is traumatic, and people react to trauma in different ways. I seriously doubt that your friend's death has "not affected you at all." More likely, you're numb.

Grief is an individual process. Some people cry. Others carry around a load of anxiety or ache inside. Still others "postpone" the grieving until they can handle it. Please don't judge yourself harshly. Everyone grieves in his or her own way.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)