DEAR ABBY: My mom has not been herself ever since her boyfriend beat her. For example, we were baking a cake. I accidentally bumped into her and she got really mad. We used to just laugh about things like that.

As a matter of fact, she doesn't laugh at all anymore.

I miss the mom who would play games with me or blast up the music when we were in the car together. She used to dance with me, or make me soup and crackers even when I wasn't sick. Sometimes Mom would make hot chocolate with marshmallows, and we'd sit on the porch and talk about everything. All my friends thought she was the coolest, and they wished their moms were like her.

Now she's caught up with her boyfriend and college and never has time for me. We don't talk and she doesn't dance with me anymore. I miss her so much. What can I do? -- FEELS LIKE AN ORPHAN

DEAR FEELS: It's time to talk to your mother. No one has a right to raise a hand in anger against another person, and that includes her abusive boyfriend. She needs to know about the help that's available from the Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233.

I sincerely hope your mother sees the light, and that you get your loving, fun-filled parent back soon. From your description, it appears the joy has gone out of her life, too.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, my 68-year-old mother-in-law, "Gladys," moved into our home with us. Now I don't know how much longer I can take living in the same house with her. I have a full-time job, plus all the household duties to take care of when I get home. Gladys doesn't lift a finger to help, and does nothing but complain about how bad she feels day in and day out.

Please give me some advice. I don't want to hurt my mother-in-law's feelings, but I am burned out. I don't even like being at home anymore. -- TOO MUCH TO HANDLE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TOO MUCH: With three adults living under the same roof, there is no reason why you have been stuck with "all the household duties" -- assuming Gladys is in reasonably good health. I don't know if your mother-in-law is depressed or if complaining is her way of communicating.

So have a frank discussion with your husband. Marital or family counseling may be in order. Gladys may be no spring chicken, but she isn't over the hill. She should have some friends and a social life of her own. It's possible that all of you might be happier if Gladys moved to an independent living complex with contemporaries.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Delia" died recently, causing a lot of people to be very upset. Surprisingly, her death hasn't affected me at all. Friends have called, sobbing hysterically. I haven't shed a tear. Could it be because I refuse to believe it? Or that I don't really care? Please help me. I am confused. -- SCARED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SCARED: Losing a friend is traumatic, and people react to trauma in different ways. I seriously doubt that your friend's death has "not affected you at all." More likely, you're numb.

Grief is an individual process. Some people cry. Others carry around a load of anxiety or ache inside. Still others "postpone" the grieving until they can handle it. Please don't judge yourself harshly. Everyone grieves in his or her own way.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl with a problem I can't talk to anyone about. I have been with my boyfriend, "Jon," for about five months. He has always been kind of jealous and controlling. Recently my parents told me I couldn't see him anymore.

Jon became furious when I told him how my parents feel, and now he's talking about killing them so we can be together. I know he is serious.

I really love Jon. He is the first boy who has shown an interest in me.

My parents and I have always had a great relationship and my mom is like my best friend. I totally don't want to see them get hurt. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my parents and I can't tell the police. I have tried to talk Jon out of it, and tell him they will learn to accept him over time. He just gets mad and says I am taking their side. Please tell me what to do. -- ANONYMOUS IN FORT MYERS, FLA.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I hope your sense of self-preservation is stronger than your sense of family loyalty. The boy you are involved with appears to have serious mental problems. He desperately needs psychological evaluation and counseling. Unless you do something now, Jon could talk himself into doing something to your parents -- and you will be an accessory because you knew it was going to happen and did nothing.

I urge you to warn your parents about Jon's threats, so they can protect themselves -- and you. As much as you may love him, you cannot reason with someone who is irrational and possibly homicidal.

P.S. Do NOT allow Jon to make you feel guilty for wanting to protect your parents. Your first responsibility is the safety of your family. So please don't wait. Tell them NOW. A good way to begin would be to clip this letter, hand it to them and tell them that you wrote it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "George" for nine months. Since the day I met him, I knew he was a little odd, but that was one of the qualities that first attracted me to him.

In the last three months, his behavior has become worse. He is now homeless, penniless, jobless, and has problems with alcohol and depression. He was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I love George dearly, but my role in his life has switched from girlfriend to caregiver/provider. I am not sure what to do. He refuses to get help but is stuck to me like a lost child. How can I save his and my life before it is too late? -- DESPERATE IN NEW YORK

DEAR DESPERATE: True lovers must also be true friends, and right now George desperately needs one.

Tell him, as a concerned friend, that because you love him, he must get professional help.

If he doesn't have money, he can still find help in New York in a number of places. One of the large academic hospitals might be the place to start.

In any meaningful relationship, both people involved switch caregiving roles at various times. This is called "nurturing." But being made to feel obligated beyond affection is entrapment -- and that you must avoid.

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DEAR ABBY: What do you think of restaurants that have televisions in every room while you're trying to eat dinner with your family? They make me crazy! I can't stand them.

I consider dinnertime to be a special opportunity for family members to share a nutritious meal while conversing about the events of everyone's day. We don't answer the phone or the doorbell, nor do we watch TV, so that we can concentrate on hearing about school and work. Because during the rest of the day family members eat at different times and rush about, dinnertime is sacred.

Occasionally we dine out at different restaurants so that I can have a break from cooking and doing dishes. Lately they all seem to have TVs in every room, and instead of talking, everyone stares at the TV like hypnotized zombies.

If a baseball or football game is on, everything else is ignored. This defeats the purpose of having dinner out together.

Can anything be done to get the TVs removed from the dining areas in restaurants? Shouldn't there be a choice as to whether you eat in a room with a television or not? Restaurants used to have small TV sets in the bar area, but not in the dining room.

I hate to give up eating out, but I'm about ready to. Any other suggestions? -- TV-LESS MOM, SOUTH MIAMI, FLA.

DEAR MOM: You have my sympathy, but the restaurants are only obeying the laws of supply and demand. They are providing televised access to the games because their customers are demanding it. If the restaurateurs refuse, they risk losing business because their customers will watch the event elsewhere.

I agree that the "traditional" family dinner is important. Not only does it draw families closer, it also fosters communications skills. Sadly, however, I have heard from educators who tell me that fewer families are continuing the tradition -- and more and more children eat their meals glued to the television set. Of course, people who are distracted tend to overeat -- so not only does the net effect show up in a shrinkage of conversational skills, but there is a corresponding expansion of waistlines as well.

Some possible solutions to your problem: Make sure to avoid going to sports bars. Before making dinner reservations, do some reconnoitering. Scout around and see for yourself if there are any restaurants in your neighborhood that have TV-free dining rooms. There are probably some in every price range.

DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about a friend I'll call Edith. Despite the fact that her husband died several years ago, she continues to wear her engagement and wedding rings. Is that in poor taste or what?

When I pointed this out to Edith, she simply said it was her business. What do you say, Abby? -- EDITH'S FRIEND IN DES MOINES

DEAR FRIEND: I agree with Edith. A widow may wear her wedding rings as long as she wishes. When she is ready to date again, the rings can be switched to her right hand, incorporated into another piece of jewelry, or simply put away.

P.S. If you are really Edith's friend, why are you labeling and criticizing her? She is hurting no one.

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