DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl in my first year of high school. Two years ago, this 18-year-old guy, "John," touched me on a private area of my body. I told my mom. She didn't believe me, so she asked John if it was true. He denied it, and she accused me of being a liar.

My problem is, I am supposed to have a physical examination in a few weeks. My mom says the doctor will examine me in the place that John touched me. Even though my doctor is a woman, I don't want to go through with that part of the physical. My mom doesn't understand. Abby, please help me. How can I get out of it? -- SCARED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR SCARED: A pelvic examination is not part of a routine physical. But since you have concerns about this, discuss them with the doctor when you see her.

That your mother refused to believe you when you reported to her that you had been taken advantage of by John is appalling; that she'd take his word above yours is worse. I hope when you talk to the doctor you'll share with her what happened to you and get the support you deserve. John should be reported. Since he has gotten away with it with you, he could easily assault another child.

DEAR ABBY: Would it be rude for my husband and me to contact our relatives before the Christmas holidays begin and politely ask them not to buy anything for us? We have relatives, with whom we are not close, who always give us gifts when we see them at Christmastime. Our finances are limited, but we feel obligated to reciprocate. How should we handle this? -- NO THANKS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR NO THANKS: Yours is a question I am asked repeatedly at holiday time. Write a brief letter to your relatives explaining the circumstances. Tell them your affection for them has not waned but that your finances have; therefore you would feel more comfortable not exchanging gifts this year.

Keep in mind that the most important "gift" is the fact that you are all healthy and able to celebrate the holiday together. Not all families are so fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to "Afraid in the Broken Heartland." Your warning signs of an abuser caught my eye. I recognized my husband in 11 out of the 15 you listed. I had put off leaving him out of fear for myself and our beautiful 3-year-old daughter. However, when I read that 65 percent of abusers who beat their wives go on to abuse their children, I decided I could not allow this to happen to my little girl.

I moved out and I have seen a lawyer. We will soon be free from my abusive husband and will no longer live in fear.

Thank you, Abby. Please continue to put the warning signs in your column. I pray they will help others to face the truth as they helped me. -- NO LONGER A VICTIM

DEAR NO LONGER A VICTIM: So do I, because some of the saddest letters I have received have come from grieving family members who wrote: "I only wish my daughter (or sister) had seen those warning signs before her husband killed her." I am not implying that women cannot also be abusers, because some women are. And abuse also happens between same-sex couples, I'm sad to say.

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DEAR ABBY: My son, "Sean," is only 13, but he will be attending his best friend's funeral. "Frank" died by his own hand. Apparently he had told many of his friends that he was going to kill himself, but no one took him seriously.

I am writing in the hope that my letter will alert children and adults that children and adolescents sometimes mean it when they threaten suicide. I pray parents will instruct their children to ALWAYS tell an adult if one of their friends talks about suicide. I have done that now, but unfortunately it is too late to help Frank. -- GRIEF-STRICKEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN: Please extend my deepest sympathy to the parents of your son's friend. And thank you for giving me the chance to point out that threats of suicide, and repeated comments about suicide, can be symptoms of serious illness and should be taken seriously. Many young people are reluctant to "rat" on their friends, but when it comes to talk of suicide, experts say that keeping a secret can result in losing a friend. Skilled professional help is needed for intervention.

Professional counseling should also be made available to the survivors of the suicide -- and that includes family members and friends -- to help them cope with their own feelings of guilt and depression.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I retired from my teaching job so I could travel with my husband, "Bill," on his international business trips. At the time, Bill earned a very high salary. Since then, Bill has been laid off and has taken an early retirement. He now putters around the house, painting the shutters, working in the yard and thoroughly enjoying himself.

This is not the life I expected, and I am becoming increasingly depressed. I was never much of a housewife and wouldn't have left my job had I known this would be the outcome. I have a part-time job in a dress shop, but it's hardly a challenging career. I want to travel. I want to have fun.

We have a net worth in excess of $1 million, but Bill has always been concerned about our finances and wants to manage them so that we can set up college funds for our grandchildren, leave a substantial amount to our children, and budget $7,500 a year for vacations, including trips to visit family. This doesn't leave much.

If I tell my husband how I feel it will hurt him terribly. What should I do? -- RELUCTANTLY RETIRED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR RETIRED: Before you become more depressed, have a frank talk with your husband. Explain that you were not prepared for his early retirement. It may be time for you to return to teaching on a part-time basis or to find another job that will enable you to earn the kind of money you need to travel more extensively. If your husband doesn't want to go, there are travel clubs and tours for "singles."

You and Bill also need to reach a meeting of the minds about how money should be allocated. If you can't manage to agree, then the two of you should seek professional counseling. Please, don't put it off. Disagreements about money have destroyed marriages.

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DEAR ABBY: Our 32-year-old daughter was raised in a home with traditional values. She was excited when she got engaged last February to the fellow she was living with. We began making wedding plans.

Her interest in the wedding began to wane. On a recent visit she stated that a marriage certificate was just a piece of paper, and they don't need to be married to be committed to each other or to have children. Her fiance told us that giving their children love would be enough.

We don't understand why she changed her mind about marriage in such a short period of time. They are talking about having children, so please answer soon. What can we say to make her see the importance of traditional family life? -- WORRIED MOM, ROSWELL, GA.

DEAR WORRIED: You are overdue for a frank talk with your daughter. Why on earth is she planning to have children with someone she wouldn't want to marry?

A marriage certificate is far more than a "piece of paper." Your letter brings to mind one that appeared in this column in 1996. Its message bears repeating. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Many couples who live together without marriage say, "We don't need a piece of paper to make our commitment to each other binding. A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing!"

WRONG! May I point out that when a person buys an automobile he had better have that "piece of paper" or he could be in a lot of trouble.

Also, a driver's license may be "just a piece of paper," but you'd better not be caught driving without it.

When a person buys a home or any other piece of property, he makes sure that he has that "piece of paper."

And when a person graduates from high school, college or trade school, that "piece of paper" can make the difference between getting a job or not getting one.

We live our lives with pieces of paper, beginning with a birth certificate and ending with a death certificate. And let's not forget the will -- another very important piece of paper.

So, when I hear people say, "A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing," I'm reminded of the classic adage, "Ignorance is bliss." -- PAPER IS PROOF

The signature says it well. A marriage certificate is written proof that a couple is officially one unit, with legal protections and benefits for spouses that single people do not enjoy. These include rights of inheritance, the ability to hold title to community property, health insurance benefits, and later in life, Social Security benefits. There is also the psychological benefit for all concerned.

If something were to happen to the father of her children, with no marriage certificate, your daughter and the children would be left with nothing -- no voice regarding his medical treatment, no claim to his body.

I'm all for "romance," but when children are being considered, it's time for a dose of practicality. Please urge your daughter to rethink her position.

DEAR ABBY: I am director of client relations at Genelex, an accredited DNA testing lab. In your Amber Alert column, you recommended that parents "keep a sample of DNA, such as several strands of hair" for identification purposes in case the child is kidnapped.

Strands of hair are good for DNA testing only if the root is intact. Chances are that if it were needed, no DNA could be recovered from several "strands" of hair. A more effective way to collect DNA is to utilize a cheek swab, using a kit that is available through many police stations. A full DNA profile can also be run in advance through a DNA testing lab. -- KRISTINE ASHCRAFT, SEATTLE

DEAR KRISTINE: Thank you for enlightening me. Parents, please take note.

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