DEAR ABBY: As a longtime postal carrier, I found the letter you printed from the carrier in Las Vegas interesting and frightening. I, too, find spiders in mailboxes. Sometimes I shoo them out; sometimes they run and hide. When they're black widows, I usually try to squish them. But I never want my customers to spray poisons into or around their mailboxes!

Once a poison has been applied to the mailbox, it will be transferred not only to the letters placed inside but also to the hands that retrieve them and the nose that inhales while the person is standing at the mailbox.

Furthermore, spiders are not easy to poison. The spray has to land on the spider to be effective. I have seen people drench their mailboxes with spray because harmless ants have used it as a temporary shelter. (The ants would have moved on in a few days.) However, the TV Guide the family will be handling the entire week is now soaked in poison.

Please warn readers to look inside their mailboxes before reaching in. It's a safer way to avoid contact with spiders, and it's simpler. -- SUSAN S., NORTH HIGHLANDS, CALIF.

DEAR SUSAN: Call me an arachnophobe, but if I saw a black widow spider, my first reaction would be to call an exterminator. However, I have heard from several other mail carriers, and all echoed your sentiments.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You don't need to use bug spray in the mailbox. A mothball in the mailbox will keep ALL the critters out! -- JANET L., BOWLING GREEN, MO.

DEAR JANET L.: I'm passing along your remedy, but if those who decide to try it have sensitivity to mothballs, I urge them to think twice and consult their physician first. (And please remember to ask your postal carrier if he or she is allergic.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was growing up, my older sister, "Lisa," beat me up frequently. It started when I was 3 and she was 6. The beatings continued until I was 12. Then she started doing other things -- like spraying hairspray in my eyes and telling our parents I did it to myself, or breaking the zipper on my backpack just as I was getting on the school bus. One time, Lisa maneuvered me into the back seat of my brother's car and whispered for him to slam on the brakes. She held on and laughed while I was thrown against the front seat and cut my head.

My parents never said a word to her, and my mother always sided with her against me. I went through years of depression but finally graduated from college and got on with my life.

Now that we are adults, Lisa thinks we should be friends. I think now, after all she did to me, she should leave me alone and let me live in peace. What do you think? -- TIRED OF HER ABUSE IN ARIZONA

DEAR TIRED: I agree. Your sister was a malicious brat, but I fault your parents for turning a blind eye instead of stopping the abuse. I don't blame you for wanting little or nothing to do with your childhood abuser. Under the circumstances, it's a logical decision. The time for building a close and loving relationship was years ago.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Today is Veterans Day -- the day that is dedicated to the brave men and women who have served this country with honor, in war and in peace. You have our gratitude for your devotion to duty.

The poem that follows has appeared in my column before. The author's wife, Marie C. Middleton, was kind enough to send it to me. I'm sure you'll agree that it's a fitting tribute to share on Veterans Day.

A SOLDIER'S PRAYER

by Maj. Gen. James B. Middleton

Lord, bless the wives

who grieve alone

And comfort the mothers

who mourn their own

Give solace to the fathers

who lost their sons

On foreign shores and in

places unknown.

Lord, strengthen the resolve

of we who remain

To see that they did not

die in vain.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband gets out of the military, we will be deciding where to live. We want to live near my parents, but how close is too close?

The house next door is for sale. We don't have kids yet, but I keep imagining how wonderful it would be to have their grandparents next door. My mom and I have always been close; however, I don't want to move next door if it will hurt our relationship in the long run. If we set boundaries up front, could it work? -- CAUTIOUS WIFE AND DAUGHTER

DEAR CAUTIOUS: It all depends on the individuals involved. In some families, the kind of situation you have described works well. In others, it leads to chaos and unhappiness. Much depends upon whether your husband wants to be your parents' "extended family" and on how well your parents respect boundaries.

In your case, no decisions should be made until your husband has completed his tour of duty and you have discussed this matter thoroughly and honestly.

DEAR ABBY: I am 57 years old with grown children. Twelve years ago, I moved closer to my parents so I could care for them. After Dad died in '97, Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. I took care of her in my home for a while, but when her needs increased to 24/7, I could no longer handle it. Fortunately, I found her a nice nursing home, and I visit her often. I host cookie parties for all the residents and take Mother out for weekly rides and ice cream. She is no longer able to speak, and I am not sure she still knows me.

This Christmas, my husband wants to take me to Arizona for a family vacation. He says Mother won't know the difference. Abby, I feel so guilty leaving her. Should I go? -- DEVOTED DAUGHTER IN MISSOURI

DEAR DEVOTED: Yes, you should go. Have an early Christmas party with your mother and the other residents before you leave for Arizona. The timing won't matter to them. Please, do not feel guilty. Your signature says it all.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My close friend, "Denise," tells me when others say something derogatory about me. Some examples:

Denise was recently in a restaurant with "Martha," a mutual friend, when I happened to enter. Denise said that Martha laughed and made fun of me when she saw me. Another time, a woman I'll call Lorraine invited Denise to a party but didn't invite me. Denise said she told Lorraine she wouldn't attend unless I were also invited. Lorraine relented and reluctantly invited me, although Denise said she really didn't want to.

There have been other incidents when people said unflattering things about me to Denise, and Denise reported them to me. Why? I never tell her when I hear something uncomplimentary about her because I don't want to hurt her feelings. Why do you suppose she feels compelled to bring me "bad news" about myself? Your opinion is appreciated. -- HURTING IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR HURTING: She does it because she gets a perverse pleasure out of hurting you. A more important question is: Why do you tolerate it? So-called "friends" have been known to make up unkind things out of whole cloth in order to isolate people from their other friends. If I were you, I'd start asking the individuals she reports are bad-mouthing you if what she said is true. I advise you to keep Denise at arm's length. She personifies the old saying, "It takes an enemy and a friend working together to hurt you to the core -- the enemy to slander you and the friend to get the news to you."

DEAR ABBY: All my life, I have been unbearably shy. I have few friends. My co-workers think I dislike them because I don't talk much. I do like most people and I'm tired of being lonely -- but when I try to communicate, I panic and can't think of what to say. How can I get over this? -- CLAMMED-UP IN KANSAS

DEAR CLAMMED-UP: By writing to me, you have already taken the first step in coping with your problem -- so don't be shy. You're on the right track.

I have several suggestions to offer. The first is simple. Write down, in advance, some topics to discuss with your co-workers and take the list with you. If your mind goes blank, consult the list. Believe me, you are not the only person to whom this happens.

If that isn't enough to get the ball rolling, consider that you might suffer from a social anxiety disorder. A psychologist can help you overcome it with counseling and medications. Enough people suffer from social anxiety disorders that online support groups have been formed to provide help. Members.aol.com/cybernettr/shyness.html offers information to help overcome shyness, as well as tips on job hunting, assertiveness and dating.

The Social Anxiety Group at http://anxietynetwork.com offers support and education to those with anxiety disorders. Members exchange coping skills, and there are online support meetings for people with social phobias. I'm sure you will be welcomed.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)