DEAR ABBY: Twenty-five years ago, my husband and I hired a 16-year-old girl, "Susan," as a "mother's helper" for the summer. She watched our children while my husband, "Drew," and I worked. Once in a while Susan would spend the night. On one of those nights, Drew raped Susan and she became pregnant.

Charges were not filed, and Drew begged my forgiveness. Drew paid for Susan's medical expenses and she was sent away to a maternity home. The baby was adopted. We never knew whether the child was a boy or a girl.

We moved 800 miles away to get over the shame, and after a lot of hard work, we repaired our marriage. We never told our children about Susan and their father.

Last week, Drew received a special delivery letter from his birth daughter. She wants to meet him and ask him some questions. She has already met Susan, who did not tell her about the rape. Susan told her she was the result of a "relationship that didn't work out."

Abby, should Drew refuse to meet her? Should he tell her the truth? Should we tell our grown children? We need your help. -- PAIN REVISITED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PAIN REVISITED: Your husband was the beneficiary of outdated thinking from the "dark ages." Today he would be a registered sex offender with a prison record.

Drew should meet the girl he fathered. If asked, he should corroborate the story that her mother has told her. He should also answer any questions regarding medical history that could affect her and her children.

Unless you want your children to know this disgraceful chapter in their father's life, I see no reason to reveal the rest of the story to them.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Keith," is 14. He started acting different and told me he was hearing voices telling him they were going to kill him. I told his mom and she took him to a doctor. The doctor said Keith was psychotic and placed him in a locked psych ward.

My mom said I couldn't visit Keith in the hospital, but after a few weeks I snuck over there against her will. Keith was getting better and we were able to walk outside together and talk.

When Mom found out, she stopped talking to me because I refused to break up with him. She liked him a lot before he got sick.

I'd like your opinion on why Mom didn't want me to visit Keith in the psych ward. He was still the same person. Please answer soon. -- FRIGHTENED IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR FRIGHTENED: I can only surmise what your mother may have been thinking. It could have been because she does not understand mental illness and was concerned for your safety. It's also possible she preferred that Keith be completely recovered before you contacted him. (People who are isolated in the hospital usually need peace and quiet to aid in their recovery.)

However, if ever Keith needed friends to rally around him, it's now. Apologize to your mother for disobeying her. She really should talk to Keith's mother about his treatment and prognosis before making any final decisions about your relationship with him.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 38 and was in a relationship for 12 years. We had three beautiful children together. "John" started cheating on me a few months after we began dating and wound up cheating on me 14 times throughout our relationship. He has been into the drug scene and served some time in prison for setting a church fire.

John and I never married, but I remained faithful to him. He has been in a federal prison for almost five years, but we communicate through letters and phone calls. I have no trust in this relationship anymore and get aggravated when I hear his voice. I want to move on, but something keeps holding me back. I feel I am running out of time. Can you help me figure out what to do with my life, Abby? -- KATIE IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR KATIE: Wake up and smell the coffee. The man to whom you have given your heart is a philandering, drug-using pyromaniac. He has no respect for the house of God and what it represents, and if he loved you and his children, he would have married you and shown some responsibility years ago.

Here is what to do with your life: Stop accepting his phone calls. If you haven't already done so, figure out how you are going to support yourself and the children.

Your future is ahead of you, so stop looking backward. There is no reason you cannot have a full life and a rewarding relationship with a man if you want it. But regardless of what he might say or promise, that man isn't John, so let him go. Concentrate on the present, and the future will take care of itself.

DEAR ABBY: My relationship with "Horace" has been going well for several months. We're both in our early 40s. He drives 100 miles each weekend to spend time with me. The problem is he has a bad case of sleep apnea and refuses to see a doctor.

I am afraid he'll have a heart attack in his sleep. Horace is a heavy guy and he snores so loud the neighbors complain. He holds his breath, then jerks around until he can gasp air in again. It's scary.

I know there's treatment for this, but Horace is sure he'll need surgery. He hasn't been to a doctor since he was a child, and I think he's afraid he'll have to change his lifestyle. Any advice would be appreciated. -- CAROLE IN CLEVELAND

DEAR CAROLE: Horace has a serious medical problem. Tell him that you care for him and think you have a future together -- but only if he's living. There are treatments for sleep apnea that don't require surgery. The first step is for Horace to consult a sleep disorder specialist and be properly evaluated. Since he doesn't have a physician, perhaps your doctor could suggest a clinic.

Another source of information that could be helpful is apneanet.org. It provides a forum that facilitates the exchange of information and ideas for persons affected by this condition.

There is a solution to Horace's problem. However, to find it he must behave like an adult and face the fact that he has a problem.

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DEAR ABBY: Please let your readers know that there is a solution to bullying. If parents would encourage their children's natural abilities and help them to enhance their physical assets, instead of hoping the problem goes away, much could be done to help these innocent victims.

My son, "Tim," developed a stammer in second grade. The teasing he received from classmates caused him to stop talking in class or even to playmates. In fifth grade, he developed gynecomastia, an overgrowth of breast tissue in males. The taunts increased and included asking him his bra size.

I could have told my son to ignore the teasing and concentrate on his "inner beauty," etc. But children have to compete in a world that puts great emphasis on physical beauty. Lofty platitudes, while they may or may not be true, do nothing for a suffering soul.

I realized the importance of correcting what can be corrected and outsmarting the rest. During the summer, I took Tim to a plastic surgeon who corrected the gynecomastia. Then, although his pediatrician said he would eventually outgrow his stammer (and he did), I tried to help him regain the respect of his peers.

Tim was a budding musician, so I arranged for him to perform a classroom concert. He played the guitar and sang songs by John Denver and Jim Croce. Then he performed one of his own compositions. Students from other classrooms, as well as the principal, joined the audience. Tim received a standing ovation, and mercifully, he was never teased again. -- CONCERNED MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR MOM: I congratulate you for being proactive in helping your son. There is a lot parents can do to prevent bullying. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Nearly 160,000 students stay home from school every day because they are afraid of being bullied.

Bullying isn't just a part of growing up. It can have a lasting effect on the victim, the bully, the school and the community. Victims often suffer from depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, academic problems and substance abuse. Research also shows a direct link between chronic bullying and future criminal activity and abusive behavior in adult life.

There are many ways to prevent bullying. Adults and parents can use positive discipline techniques, spend quality time with a child, and encourage confidence and nonviolence at home and at school. It's also important to teach children that they don't have to feel powerless in the face of bullying. Encourage them not to be bystanders by telling the bully to stop or by getting help from an adult. -- SID JOHNSON, PRESIDENT AND CEO, PREVENT CHILD ABUSE IN AMERICA

DEAR SID: Your letter is both timely and helpful. When children are the victims of bullying, the parents often don't know how to react. In some cases, the parents were victims of bullying themselves.

Readers, this is an important topic. If you would like to learn more ways to prevent bullying, visit Prevent Child Abuse America's Web site: www.preventchildabuse.org.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)