DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the letter from "Concerned Driver in Oklahoma." "Concerned" said that drivers must stop for school buses that are stopped with their red lights flashing "even when going in the opposite direction on a divided four-lane highway." That's not true in Virginia. These laws vary by state, Abby. -- ALICE TEW, FAIRFAX, VA.

DEAR ALICE: Thanks for pointing that out. So far, I have heard from readers in Illinois, Washington, Ohio, Georgia, Pennsylvania and California telling me that the law does not apply in their state, either. It seems the bus driver misinterpreted the law in Oklahoma, too. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from "Concerned Bus Driver in Oklahoma" that recently appeared in your column. Our primary concern is -- and always will be -- the safety of our students.

"Concerned" interpreted Oklahoma Statute 47-705 incorrectly. The statute states that drivers are NOT required to stop if traveling in the opposite direction upon a separate portion of the roadway.

Additionally, I have communicated with officials at the Oklahoma Department of Education. They encourage school districts not to place bus stops on or along a divided highway. However, if they must, the stops should be established only where the students would not be required to cross the dividing strip and separate portion of the highway. -- LT. CHRIS WEST, DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC INFORMATION, OKLAHOMA DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY

DEAR LT. WEST: Thank you for setting the record straight. You folks at the Oklahoma Department of Public Safety are on the ball. And it looks like you have your work cut out for you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I live in a small town in Oklahoma where kids ride bikes to and from school. They do not seem to believe that stop signs are meant for them as well as for cars and trucks. They do not realize that traffic rules and regulations are for everyone, and that looking both ways and not stopping isn't good enough.

I called the local elementary school and told them to remind students, teachers and parents that one of those kids on bikes could get hurt or worse. Should something like that happen, the parents of the bike rider would blame the driver and not take into account that the child failed to stop at the stop sign.

Please remind kids and their parents that stop signs are for ALL traffic -- not just for cars and trucks. It might save a life. -- ALSO CONCERNED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR ALSO CONCERNED: Children on bicycles who do not obey the law are a concern in every city. You're absolutely right that stop signs are for everyone. And those who fail to heed them could be maimed or killed. Please, parents and educators, make it a point to remind your youngsters of that fact repeatedly.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently attended a couples wedding shower for my boss's daughter and her fiance. They sent us a lovely thank-you note, but it was for the wrong gift. Should I say something? I don't want to embarrass anybody. -- WONDERING IN LOUISIANA

DEAR WONDERING: Call your boss's daughter and gently explain what happened. It's possible the gift cards got mixed up. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, and she needs to know.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old high school student and have been going with my girlfriend, "Maddie," for two years. We go to different schools, and lately trust has become a big issue.

She thinks I am cheating, which I am not -- but she won't get off my case. We constantly fight about little things. She calls me at home and hits the roof if I'm not there when she thinks I should be.

Last week, she gave me an ultimatum: Drop out of sports or she'll drop me. Abby, this is my senior year. This is my last year of playing. I don't want to quit. I love Maddie, but I'm not sure she has the right to give me such an ultimatum. I don't know what to do. Please help me out. -- "CENTER" OF CONTROVERSY

DEAR "CENTER": Please don't give up sports in order to assuage your girlfriend's insecurities. A person who loves you wouldn't demand such a sacrifice. If you give in, you'll regret it in years to come. Ask yourself: What will she demand next?

No one should issue an ultimatum unless she (or he) is prepared to lose. In this case, it appears your girlfriend fumbled the ball. Her demand is out of bounds. Ignore it.

DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that my husband of four years, "John," is talking with another woman on his cell phone at work. She constantly leaves him voicemail messages, telling him about her day and how she misses him. (One in particular keeps going through my mind: "Baby, it's me! It's a few minutes before 10 and you're not answering your cell phone. Maybe you're sleeping already, but I'll give you a call tomorrow on my lunch break.")

The next time she called, she heard my voice on his voicemail saying, "Sorry, my husband, John, is not available at this time. Please leave a message and someone will return your call as soon as possible." Can you believe that woman actually left another message, saying, "John, you need to take her voice off, because it's not you!"

I'm not dealing with this very well. My self-esteem is falling, and my husband refuses to address the problem. I don't know what to do. I can't seek help, because I don't have any money of my own. -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN MIAMI

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: Here's a message in MY voice. Something is missing here. What's missing is a husband who is contrite and wants to save his marriage. Stop being a victim. Talk to a lawyer, and when the lawyer mentions payment, give him (or her) your husband's credit card number.

DEAR ABBY: My soon-to-be ex-husband, "Fred," and I are in a custody battle over our 10-year-old daughter, "Jen." A while ago, Fred tried to choke me to death, and Jen confided to me last week that she overheard him say he was going to kill me. I told my attorney and the DA's office. They've asked Jen to swear what she said is true.

Because Jen told, she is now afraid of her father. I want to help my daughter through this traumatic time. Do you think counseling will help her to overcome her fear? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN MARYLAND

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: It's certainly a step in the right direction! However, since Jen's father appears to be volatile, and possibly homicidal, any visits she has with her father should be supervised to ensure that he cannot, in a fit of temper, harm HER. Please discuss this with your lawyer.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine -- I'll call her Jane -- is a thief. (She is 15 and I am 14.) Although her thefts are small, I know that petty thefts can turn into big ones.

Jane steals food from snack machines at school and loose change and small bills from people's purses in town. When I tell her to stop because it's wrong, her reply is, "I can't help it -- it's in my blood. I won't take anything big."

My biggest fear is that Jane WILL steal bigger stuff, because when I first noticed her taking change, it happened maybe once a month. Then it increased to once a week. Now it happens every day.

I care about Jane. She's sweet and funny. But I don't know how to get her to stop. How can I help her? Should I tell someone? Please help, Abby. -- SCARED AND HELPLESS

DEAR SCARED: If you are present when Jane steals, you become an accessory to the crime. For your own sake, as well as hers, tell your parents. They should alert Jane's parents to the fact that their daughter has a serious problem. Also, until she overcomes her compulsion to steal, it is vital that you limit your contact with her. As it stands, she is jeopardizing not only her own reputation and future, but yours as well.

DEAR ABBY: My parents died in a car crash when I was a little boy. I am now 14 and live with my grandfather and "Uncle Paul." My grandfather isn't able to work, so Uncle Paul is the only breadwinner in our home.

The problem is, when Uncle Paul gets drunk, he physically attacks my grandfather and me. I love my grandfather and don't like to see him hurt. But I don't want us to end up on the street, either. What can I do to make my uncle be nice to us? -- BLACK-AND-BLUE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR BLACK-AND-BLUE: Your uncle's drinking is out of control. What you have described is both elder abuse and child abuse. You can get help, but only if you get into the social services system. One way to do that would be to tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school what is going on. Do it now. Please don't wait until your uncle loses control to the point that he seriously injures you or your grandfather. Please do not be afraid that you will be "out on the street." Your grandfather may qualify for a small pension, and you should be eligible for Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC).

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Justin," attends every birthday party he's invited to. I respond in advance and purchase nice gifts. When Justin's birthday came, 10 children said they were coming, but not one showed up. It broke my son's heart, and mine.

Abby, how would you handle this? -- UPSET MOM IN MANCHESTER, N.J.

DEAR UPSET MOM: I'd call each and every one of the parents involved and ask if they were aware their child had accepted your son's birthday party invitation. Let them know that 10 children did -- and no one showed up, which is very hurtful. Then stop talking and listen.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)