DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine -- I'll call her Jane -- is a thief. (She is 15 and I am 14.) Although her thefts are small, I know that petty thefts can turn into big ones.

Jane steals food from snack machines at school and loose change and small bills from people's purses in town. When I tell her to stop because it's wrong, her reply is, "I can't help it -- it's in my blood. I won't take anything big."

My biggest fear is that Jane WILL steal bigger stuff, because when I first noticed her taking change, it happened maybe once a month. Then it increased to once a week. Now it happens every day.

I care about Jane. She's sweet and funny. But I don't know how to get her to stop. How can I help her? Should I tell someone? Please help, Abby. -- SCARED AND HELPLESS

DEAR SCARED: If you are present when Jane steals, you become an accessory to the crime. For your own sake, as well as hers, tell your parents. They should alert Jane's parents to the fact that their daughter has a serious problem. Also, until she overcomes her compulsion to steal, it is vital that you limit your contact with her. As it stands, she is jeopardizing not only her own reputation and future, but yours as well.

DEAR ABBY: My parents died in a car crash when I was a little boy. I am now 14 and live with my grandfather and "Uncle Paul." My grandfather isn't able to work, so Uncle Paul is the only breadwinner in our home.

The problem is, when Uncle Paul gets drunk, he physically attacks my grandfather and me. I love my grandfather and don't like to see him hurt. But I don't want us to end up on the street, either. What can I do to make my uncle be nice to us? -- BLACK-AND-BLUE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR BLACK-AND-BLUE: Your uncle's drinking is out of control. What you have described is both elder abuse and child abuse. You can get help, but only if you get into the social services system. One way to do that would be to tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school what is going on. Do it now. Please don't wait until your uncle loses control to the point that he seriously injures you or your grandfather. Please do not be afraid that you will be "out on the street." Your grandfather may qualify for a small pension, and you should be eligible for Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC).

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Justin," attends every birthday party he's invited to. I respond in advance and purchase nice gifts. When Justin's birthday came, 10 children said they were coming, but not one showed up. It broke my son's heart, and mine.

Abby, how would you handle this? -- UPSET MOM IN MANCHESTER, N.J.

DEAR UPSET MOM: I'd call each and every one of the parents involved and ask if they were aware their child had accepted your son's birthday party invitation. Let them know that 10 children did -- and no one showed up, which is very hurtful. Then stop talking and listen.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an only child. Four years ago, when I was 19, I lost my father to cancer. Recently I was sorting through some of Dad's papers and found an old will. It said something to the effect that "I, Michael, am the father of Sarah and Anne, both from a previous marriage. When I refer to 'my daughter,' in the remainder of the will, I am speaking only of 'Kelly.'" (That's me.) I was floored. I have two older half-sisters I was never told about! Growing up, I hated being an only child and begged my parents to have more children.

I do not believe my father was a "deadbeat dad," because he always spoke harshly about individuals who didn't pay child support. He traveled the world in the military and lived in many countries and states before he met my mother.

Abby, I am afraid to confront my mother. I know I shouldn't have snooped through my father's old papers, but I feel I had the right to know I have two half-siblings. What do I do now? -- NOT MY FATHER'S ONLY PRECIOUS GIRL

DEAR NOT: If you want answers, tell your mother what you found. You are an adult now, and you have a right to know the truth. What you choose to do with that information is up to you.

DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated from college. My senior year was spent in a house I was renting with six girls I knew from high school. Earlier in the year, my roommates talked me into throwing a party. A lot of people showed up that we didn't know, and the party escalated into violence. A window was smashed, a door was broken, and a friend of ours was punched in the face. After that, I told my roommates I wanted no more parties in our home.

Last week, I went out of town to be with my sister while she had surgery. I heard from a mutual friend that while I was gone, my roommates threw a party and had agreed not to tell me. I am hurt and angry that they hid this from me.

My friend told me to "get over it," that I was outnumbered, and that it wasn't fair for me to tell them they couldn't have a party. Should I confront my roommates about their deception or move on? -- FRUSTRATED IN COLORADO

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I see no reason for confrontation. You are all adults. If you feel their parties are too wild for your taste, instead of moving on, move OUT.

DEAR ABBY: I am a preteen girl with an adult brother who sexually assaults me. One day I finally worked up the guts to tell my mom, but she just told me not to be in the same room with him. Abby, this is impossible because he lives in our house. What can I do that won't cause me to end up in a foster home? -- CLUELESS LITTLE GIRL IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR CLUELESS: Please talk about this to a trusted teacher at school. That your mother is unwilling to protect you is shocking. It does not necessarily follow that if you tell, you will have to go to foster care. There is a strong likelihood that your brother will be removed from the home.

Please understand that none of this is your fault. What your brother is doing to you is a crime. He must be stopped.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 35 years. I worked for the first few years, but my husband, "Lou," was mean and beat me. He broke my arm, my shoulder, my jaw and a couple of ribs. Lou wouldn't let me have contact with friends or family because it took time away from him. He said he couldn't stand coming home to an empty house and that was why he cheated. Then Lou decided I could no longer work because he wanted me home when he got there.

So I gave up my job, stayed home and cleaned, cooked and raised our children. (They are now all grown and married.) I waited on Lou hand and foot. I felt more like a slave than a wife -- but I loved him.

Well, now he has a girlfriend. He met her at the country club. We used to golf there together. She knew Lou was married but still asked him to come home with her and lured him into her bed.

Last week, Lou told me to get a job and credit cards, and learn to take care of myself. I want to die. He was my whole life. If a man steals your car or burglarizes your house, he goes to jail. Yet someone can steal your husband and walk away free. There ought to be a law to stop this kind of thievery. -- SCARED OF A NEW LIFE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SCARED: I find it interesting that instead of aiming your anger at your husband where it belongs, you have directed it at his next victim. He was obviously doing a lot more than the usual amount of "swinging" at the golf club. If she marries him, he will do to her exactly what he has done to you.

Please recognize that the good Lord has blessed you with a chance for a better life. You have been handed the keys to your prison cell. You now have the opportunity to regain a relationship with the family from whom you were isolated and to build healthy, supportive friendships. Once you are back in the work force, you will regain your self-reliance and dignity. Counseling can help in each of these areas, so please stop clinging to the past and avail yourself of it.

Consult a lawyer ASAP to make sure your husband cannot hide his assets, and find out what you are entitled to after 35 years of servitude. You may be pleasantly surprised.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Oscar," and I have been dating for more than two years. In the last few months, we have begun talking about eloping, but I have reservations because I have never been introduced to his parents, who live out of state.

Oscar's parents are not financially able to visit us, so last year, he arranged to have us visit his parents over the holidays. However, the plans mysteriously unraveled.

I have asked Oscar several times if there is something that he is afraid to tell me, but he insists that he is merely unconventional.

Am I right to be worried? Or am I just being paranoid? -- FRUSTRATED IN MARYLAND

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are right to be worried. When you marry someone, you also marry his or her family. Make no more commitments until you -- and your family -- have met Oscar's family. It appears that your "unconventional" boyfriend has something to hide.

DEAR ABBY: I never thought I would ever write to you, but last night our son -- who is engaged -- came over and told us that his fiancee's parents are upset with us because we didn't pick up the check for a dinner THEY invited us to.

Were we wrong not to offer to pay for the dinner? -- ELOISE IN NEWPORT, R.I.

DEAR ELOISE: There was obviously a miscommunication somewhere. Invite them to dinner ASAP, pick up the check, and in the future, offer to split the bill.

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