DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive 41-year-old woman with a big problem. I have never had a lasting friendship with another woman. All my close friends have been men. "Jack," my husband of 21 years, hasn't been concerned about this until recently.

A year ago, "Jon" began working with me. Jon is witty, charming and great with my children. He is also good-looking, young and single. We have become close friends, and I find myself in intimate conversations with Jon that I can't have with Jack. We are so alike, it's like looking in a mirror. We've never had sex, and I don't think Jon wants it either.

I've told Jack almost everything about Jon. He says he believes and trusts me. I'm not sure I believe him. Jon and I used to stay after work and talk for hours. I could see it upset Jack because he became withdrawn, so we stopped doing it. Now I try to call Jon when Jack isn't home. Or when I'm running errands, I drop by Jon's house. But it feels like I'm cheating, even though I'm not doing anything wrong.

I want Jack and Jon to be friends, but Jack is almost hostile to Jon. I love my husband and my children. I would never do anything to hurt them -- but I need Jon and he needs me.

Please don't tell me to forget Jon, because this is only a friendship. I want both Jon and Jack in my life. -- WANTS IT ALL IN CEDAR RAPIDS

DEAR WANTS: It's time for a reality check, dear lady. Your relationship with Jon has evolved from a friendship into an emotional affair. Don't blame your husband for reacting the way he has.

Sneaking around will only drive more of a wedge between you and your spouse when the truth comes out. Before you destroy your marriage, find out what happened to the intimacy you once shared with your husband. Only then can you put it back on track.

Hint: A giant step in the right direction would be for you to find another place of employment.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Millie," is being married for the second time. She has asked me to be her maid of honor again and is planning a wedding even bigger than the first.

I am happy for Millie, but since her first wedding, my situation has changed dramatically. My husband was laid off, and I am now the primary breadwinner for our family of five. We are having a hard time making ends meet.

I cannot afford the financial burden of being in Millie's wedding. I don't want her to think I'm making excuses. She has always been there for me. I feel so guilty. What should I say to my friend? -- TORN IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN: Tell her exactly what you have told me. If she is, indeed, your best friend, she will understand. There is no reason to feel "guilty." Your husband was laid off because of the bad economy -- and consequently, your priorities have had to change. That may not be good news for your friend, but it's reality, and your family is not the only one that has experienced this.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Michael," is a freshman in college in New York. He is also on the football team. My wife and I traveled from Boston to see Michael's first game of the season. When we arrived, we were joined by his girlfriend, "Liz," a high school junior from our hometown, and her parents.

They stayed the entire weekend and acted like they were part of the family. Liz's dad was giving Michael "fatherly advice" and telling him they were coming back to see more games this fall. They even discussed plans for Christmas vacation. My wife and I had only about one hour alone with our son the whole time we were there.

Liz's parents were high school sweethearts and they seem to think the kids will be, too. We hinted to them that we think they are sexually active, but they insist that Liz is a virgin.

We would like Michael to enjoy his college experience with students his age on campus. We don't appreciate Liz's visits. We would like to say something about this to her parents, but we don't want to alienate Michael. What can we do? -- PARENTS WITH UNWANTED VISITORS

DEAR PARENTS: Forget about talking to the parents. Have a serious talk with your son. Make absolutely certain that he recognizes the importance of birth control, as well as the necessity of finishing his education before he assumes the responsibilities of marriage. Encourage him to get involved with campus activities and meet new people. Then tell him you think Liz is a "sweetheart," but the romance is progressing at a faster pace than you're comfortable with, and that you'd like to spend more time alone with him. Be careful not to say anything negative to your son about Liz or her parents, or you could cause a backlash.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11. My parents are divorced. When I visit my dad's house, he always takes his telephone calls outside. I'm not allowed to answer the phone or be in the same room when he checks his e-mail. I love my father, but I'm scared to talk to him about this because he has a temper.

What do you think is going on? -- CONFUSED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONFUSED: It's sad that you are so intimidated by your father that you are afraid to talk to him. Since I don't know him, I cannot say for sure what's going on. However, let me say this: Sometimes when a person keeps something a "secret," it can make it appear more mysterious than it actually is. The subject applies to a lot of parents, so clip this column and hand it to your father. He needs to see it. Perhaps it will help to bridge the communication gap.

DEAR ABBY: I am grieving. My beloved shih tzu, Pretzel, died unexpectedly last Thursday. She was with me for nine wonderful years. I am so grief-stricken I can barely function. I have no children, and Pretzel meant the world to me.

My problem is well-meaning family members and friends who are pressuring me to get another dog. My Pretzel has not been gone for a week, and these people keep asking me for details about her death and saying, "When will you get another one?"

How can I get them to let me grieve in peace? -- HURTING IN L.A.

DEAR HURTING: Tell your friends and family you know they mean well, but it's too soon to discuss the details or consider getting another dog. They need to be reminded that dogs, like people, have special qualities and personalities that make them unique. They are not interchangeable, any more than people are.

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DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding "Sad Mom in Michigan," who ignored her daughter's second thoughts about getting married and rushed her to the altar because the wedding was already paid for. Many pastors, myself included, can add her letter to our collection of wedding horror stories. Families often spend thousands of dollars to show off in a one-hour ceremony instead of investing time in talking to their kids about commitment. I have seen brides blackmailed into doing what the parents wanted because "we're paying for it."

A wedding should be an occasion of joy as a couple begins a new life together, not a nerve-wracking, bankrupting extravaganza that everyone would like to forget. Parents who want a circus shouldn't turn their kids into clowns in order to live out their own fantasies.

If a child expresses doubts before a wedding, that is the time to back up, take a breath and reconsider, no matter what has been paid. Divorce is more expensive than any wedding. -- PASTOR IN DALLAS

DEAR PASTOR: And in more ways than one. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Sad Mom," who gave her 27-year-old daughter the wrong advice about going through with her marriage? As a pastor, I take marriage seriously. When a couple asks me to perform their ceremony, I make it clear I believe that marriage is for life.

Each time I meet with a couple, I ask if they still want to go through with the ceremony, and I tell them that if there is any doubt at all, we can "postpone" it. I would rather have them call it off now than one year, 10 years or even 50 years down the road.

I also inform the couple that on the day of the ceremony I will ask if they want to go through with it, and if for any reason they wish to call it off, it is perfectly OK. It is their future, not the future of their parents or friends.

God bless! -- TERRY JOHNSON, PASTOR, CALVARY CHAPEL, WESTWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR PASTOR JOHNSON: You are a wise pastor. Unless both parties are convinced beyond a doubt they're doing the right thing, they shouldn't do it. A 10-minute "mistake" can lead to a lifetime of misery. Do the math!

DEAR ABBY: One of my employees is applying to get her MBA and has asked me to write a letter of recommendation for graduate school. Her performance at work has been acceptable but not outstanding, and I don't feel comfortable writing a "glowing" letter about her.

I know how important recommendations are, and I don't want to hurt her chances of pursuing her dream. How can I tactfully decline? -- HONEST BOSS IN COLORADO

DEAR HONEST BOSS: Invite the employee into your office. Praise her for her fine qualities and tell her where there is room for improvement. Say that you honestly cannot write a "glowing" recommendation and must decline because you don't want to spoil her chances of being accepted. It's the kindest way to handle a potentially ego-damaging situation.

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