DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from the man who wondered if it was all right to write his own obituary. As an editor who has written obituaries for several community newspapers for more than 20 years, I can say that obituaries are causing more and more headaches in newsrooms. They are a potential can of worms.

Not long ago, a man in our small town died. His young widow brought in his obituary, naming herself and their children as his survivors. After confirming with the funeral home that the man had indeed died, we printed the obituary as she presented it.

Within hours, a woman came storming into the office. It was the deceased's former wife. She still lived in our town, and she was furious that her children -- who had been fathered by her former husband -- were not mentioned in the obituary written by the second wife.

Editors everywhere will bless you, Abby, if you remind the public of this: If you want to have control over what's printed in the newspaper, you have to buy an ad. I think the more control a person has over his or her obituary, the better. -- MS. M. IN NORTHERN CALIF.

DEAR MS. M: I concur. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In 1982, at the age of 53, I not only wrote my own obituary, but also had it published in the local newspaper. I did it because I wanted people to remember what I wanted them to remember about me, rather than leaving that decision to someone else.

That same year, I also prepared my memorial service, which I have updated several times. I plan to hold it during my 80th year -- I am now 73 -- and I plan to attend. I am inviting my enemies, for whom I will include Gene Watson's song, "Farewell Party," which includes the line, "I know you'll be glad when I've gone."

I am a published author, and at present I have originated more than 400 sayings. No, I won't read all of them at my memorial.

Following my actual death, I have requested that my ashes be scattered over Olivia Newton's ranch. For 30 years, I have attempted to have my picture taken with her, but so far, I have failed. It's good to have a goal. -- WAYNE K., PUYALLUP, WASH.

DEAR WAYNE: I agree that it's good to have a goal, but you shouldn't have to make an "ash" of yourself in order to achieve it. Assuming that Ms. Newton-John knows nothing about your goal, clip this column and send it to her fan club. Maybe she'll "honestly love it."

DEAR ABBY: I wrote both my and my husband's obituaries a long time ago. I did it because my last job was dealing with death certificates, and I know from experience that when a death occurs and emotions run high, important information can inadvertently be omitted.

I have even filled out blank death certificates with all the necessary information except, of course, the date of death and cause. Our funerals have also been pre-arranged and paid for.

In case you haven't guessed, I was a Girl Scout when I was a kid -- and I guess I took to heart their motto, "Be Prepared." -- WE DO HAVE THE LAST WORD, SPRINGFIELD, OHIO

DEAR "WE DO": And bless you for it. You have taken all of the guesswork out of a wrenching task that otherwise your survivors would have faced. I'm sure they will thank you for it in their prayers when the time comes.

DEAR ABBY: My boss hosts occasional after-hours get-togethers with both married and single co-workers. I am married, and a recent conversation with one of the single women bothered me.

"Yvette" told us that she has been in contact with an old lover, "Luke." She said that while they were together, he'd had a girlfriend, but would see her "on the side." Yvette said she hadn't talked to him for more than seven years. She wasn't sure whether or not she should start seeing him again, since he had always been a "skirt chaser."

We left that evening knowing more about Luke than we cared to -- his last name, where he works and other details. The next day, I called his office under the guise of being a friend of Luke's. I said I needed the information to invite him "and his wife" to a party. The receptionist gave me his wife's name and their address.

I checked the phone book. Sure enough, they're listed. I'm not sure Yvette knows Luke's married. Should I tell her? -- WONDERING IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR WONDERING: Mind your own business. Yvette's "affairs" are not your own.

P.S. Your letter illustrates why after-hours office gatherings can be a legal liability for businesses. After the drinking starts, tongues loosen and propriety is usually the first casualty.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jasper," and I have been married for a little more than a year. He was diagnosed with cancer a few months before our wedding, and I spent our honeymoon sitting by his side while he was recovering from surgery and chemotherapy. Thankfully, he is in remission, and we are expecting our first child.

Jasper recently brought home a large dog with long hair. He knows I have suffered from allergies my whole life. My in-laws tell me I don't "seem" to be so allergic, and after the baby is born I should just medicate myself for the rest of my life. My in-laws also think I should be the one to care for the dog because Jasper "works all day." (I also have a full-time job.)

I feel like I am being made out to be the "unreasonable dog hater," and it's stressing -- and sneezing -- me out. What should I do? -- RED EYES IN SKOKIE, ILL.

DEAR RED EYES: Stand your ground. After all your support during his health crisis, your husband is showing a surprising lack of concern for your own health and feelings. Do not hesitate to tell him what's on your mind. Inform him that he has one week to find that dog a new home, or HE will be sleeping in the doghouse.

DEAR READERS: I am pleased to announce that the author of the poem "Ode to Myopia," which appeared in my column last December, has been located. Its correct title is "Mirror" and the author is Cary Fellman.

MIRROR

by Cary Fellman

My face in the mirror

isn't wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn't dirty,

the cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely

and so does my lawn.

I think I will not

put my glasses back on.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I moved to the Pacific Northwest so he could attend grad school. Neither of us had a job, and we have a 1-year-old son to support. Through providence, I met "Maggie," a woman at our new church. She asked if I needed a job. I interviewed at her office and was hired immediately. I felt truly blessed.

The problem is, after getting to know Maggie better, I find her to be unbearable. She is a bad manager -- bossy, noisy and a poor communicator. On top of that, I think she is also a compulsive liar. My co-workers tend to shy away from me because they think I am "Maggie's good friend." Abby, I honestly don't like her any more than they do. She asks me to lunch often, and I am always making excuses not to go. I am grateful for the job, so what should I do? -- FEELING TRAPPED IN TACOMA

DEAR FEELING TRAPPED: Since you are not happy working with Maggie, start looking for other employment immediately. It is easier to find a job when you already have one. When you submit your resignation, thank Maggie for the opportunity you were given. Tell her you've found another job more to your liking, and that you'll see her in church.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Denise," and I have been together for 21 years; married for 11.

When we first moved in together, we lived in a studio apartment. Her parents would visit us twice a year and never hesitated to make themselves at home in our cramped space. They even slept in our bed.

Now that we have a house and kids, my in-laws visit for at least a month twice a year. Denise says I treat them "badly" because I don't talk to them much. Well, I don't have anything in common with those people.

I've tried to tell Denise that the length of time her parents are underfoot is way too long for me, and that I'd never impose on anyone like that -- but she insists that because her parents live 1,500 miles away, it "wouldn't make sense" for them to cut their visits short.

This situation has taken its toll on me, Abby. It has also caused marital problems. I have tried to reason with Denise, but she won't budge -- and now she's giving me the silent treatment. I think her mother is in on it, too.

All I ask for is a little common sense and courtesy. I've spoken to a number of friends and family members. They think I'm nuts for having allowed this scenario to repeat itself year after year. I think visitors are like fish -- they start to stink after a number of days. What do you think, Abby? -- JUST A PRIVATE GUY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR PRIVATE GUY: The quotation is, "Fish and visitors stink in three days." It is from "Poor Richard's Almanac," written by Benjamin Franklin -- a very wise man, indeed.

By allowing her parents to overstay their welcome, your wife is discounting your feelings. If Denise won't agree to shortening their stays, perhaps she should compromise by going to visit them, instead of them intruding upon you. That way she would have as much time as she wants with her parents and you would have your peace of mind.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)