DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law who I believe is abusing her children -- but not in the way most people think of child abuse. Not a week goes by that her kids are not in a doctor's office or an emergency room. She seems to be happy or feel "important" when in an E.R. or talking to someone with a medical degree.

Other relatives think she's an exceptionally caring mother. I think she's sick, but I'm not sure whom to contact. She does not think she has a problem. Meanwhile, my brother sits idly by -- or accompanies her on these outings.

Am I wrong, or should some type of authority or social service be notified? I know for a fact that she has used her insurance every week except two this year. -- WORRIED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR WORRIED: Child protective services in your community should be told what you have told me. You may be describing a condition called Munchausen by proxy -- a mental illness in which parents sometimes present their children as sick in order to get attention for themselves. For the children's welfare, this should be investigated.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Mickey," and I had a baby two months ago. Mickey made it clear from the beginning that he didn't feel ready to be a father. While I was pregnant, he seemed to be excited about the birth of our child. However, since our daughter arrived, Mickey calls her names, avoids holding her, and yells at her to "shut up."

I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about his behavior and have even offered to go to parenting class with him, but he refuses. He says he's already a parent and doesn't need "classes." As a last resort, I told him that if he continues to yell at her, I'm packing up and he'll never see us again.

Mickey's father was very abusive, and I'm afraid that history will repeat itself. Please help. -- SINGLE MOM IN LINCOLN, NEB.

DEAR SINGLE MOM: You are right to be concerned about your baby's welfare. Your boyfriend knows nothing about child development and has no interest in learning. Consult a lawyer regarding child support and get out NOW.

It is significant that your boyfriend is the son of an abusive parent. Mickey is already a verbal abuser; please don't wait until it becomes physical.

DEAR ABBY: I was just notified that my 30th high school reunion is in two months. I would like to attend and see everyone again, but in the years since graduation, I have unfortunately lost my hearing. I'm not embarrassed, just scared. (Hearing aids do not help.)

What do you suggest? -- THE WAY WE WERE IN JOLIET, ILL.

DEAR T.W.W.W.: Prepare a "hand-out" for your classmates -- a brief, but interesting update of what you've been doing for the past 30 years. Explain at the top that you have lost your hearing. Give these to your old friends, and have a blank journal on hand that they can write in. Ask them to include their addresses (home or e-mail). It's a wonderful way for all of you to continue to keep in touch.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our family recently went to visit my in-laws at their cottage. While we were there, the septic system stopped working and my mother-in-law, "Doris," suggested that my niece and I relieve ourselves behind the shed.

After I followed her suggestion, I noticed my father-in-law, "Ralph," standing not too far away watching me. I was shocked and offended, but didn't tell my husband until we left a few minutes later.

We have had a problem in the past with Ralph. Once when I was nursing, he sat close to me and stared at my chest. My husband said, "There's only enough room for one head, Dad." Immediately afterward, I spoke to Doris and the peeping stopped.

The nursing thing was weird, but this goes way beyond that. I like and respect Ralph for the most part, but I don't know what to do. We go to my in-laws' every other weekend. I can't go over there and pretend nothing happened.

My husband wants to talk to his father alone, but I feel Ralph needs to account to someone other than his son -- he should also account to Doris. Is this taking it too far? -- UPSET IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR UPSET: I don't think so. Your father-in-law appears to have a serious problem with "boundaries." He also appears to be a voyeur -- a Peeping Tom. Since "peepers" have been known to escalate their behavior, it should be called to Doris' attention before her husband gets himself arrested and has to register as a sex offender. Please don't wait. It is possible that you are not the only person Ralph has been watching.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Kent," and I have been married for seven years, and I'm facing a painful decision. Kent has a drug problem. I didn't know about his addiction until recently, when money started disappearing from our joint account.

Kent admitted to me that he's had a habit since before I met him. However, he doesn't consider it to be a "problem." He made it clear that he has no intention of quitting. And I made it clear that I don't want to be married to someone who's addicted to drugs.

I should probably leave him, but I love him too much -- and we have four precious children who love him, too. My husband rarely shows any signs of drug abuse; that's why I never had a clue until now.

To his credit, Kent is a great husband and father. Please help me decide what to do, Abby. I am against drug use, but I dearly love my husband. -- TORN IN SASKATCHEWAN

DEAR TORN: You already know what you have to do. Until your husband is willing to admit he has a problem, he cannot get the help that's available.

Kent should be encouraged to get into rehab and attend meetings of Narcotics Anonymous where other addicts have found new courage, strength and hope. Call telephone information for the local number.

The N.A. Web site offers meeting (and other) information: www.na.org; the e-mail address is nainfo(at)na.org; or write to N.A., P.O. Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409.

If your husband refuses help, separate your finances from his and get the children away from him before they get the impression that drug use is acceptable.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 15-year-old girl who is in ninth grade. She has been chatting with a man on the Internet for the last 10 months. He said he was a teenager. However, we have recently learned that he is 30-plus, married, and the father of a 4-year-old child. He says he is going to divorce his wife and marry my daughter.

We have tried to make her understand that this relationship won't work. She insists they are both waiting for her to turn 18 so they can be married.

My husband and I are devastated. Can you please make her understand the pros and cons? I'm begging with tears in my eyes. She won't listen to us. -- BROKENHEARTED MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Pick up the phone and inform the police that your underage daughter is being stalked by an Internet predator. He belongs in jail. And they can help to ensure that he winds up there. Pronto.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and used to be an outgoing, smart and attractive female. I planned to attend college, but I put it off because of a tight money situation at home.

After I turned 18, I began to have what I think are panic attacks. I don't sleep well and wake up during the night sweating and shaking. I'm nervous around people, short-tempered, can't make decisions, and I'm paranoid.

A few months ago, I told my mother that I think I need to see a doctor. She acted concerned, but never mentioned it again. I am getting worse every day. Some days I wish I would die. I know this isn't normal. What can I do? Whom do I see? -- BARELY HERE IN INDIANA

DEAR BARELY HERE: Your mother may have assumed that since you didn't mention it again that you were feeling better. It's time to pick up a phone and schedule a consultation with your doctor. You need a thorough physical examination and a psychological assessment. Please don't wait.

If you are not employed or do not have health insurance, you may qualify for Medicaid. Contact your state or county medical assistance office to see if you meet the eligibility requirements.

DEAR ABBY: My 85-year-old husband is a cash cow for charities. For years, he has given away all of his Social Security money to charitable causes. He says, "If I don't give, who will?" He says we "don't really need" the money. Abby, he gives away more than $15,000 a year!

I am 80. My blood pressure is going through the roof. We live on a fixed income, but he thinks since it's "his" money, he can give it away as he sees fit. He seems to be on everyone's list. He spreads the letters out in a semicircle around his chair every day and sends them all $50 checks! Help! -- GOING BROKE IN MARYLAND

DEAR G.B.: Talk to an accountant or a trusted lawyer and explain what's going on. Perhaps if he hears it from a professional, your husband will be more receptive to the message. If that fails, he may need a conservator.

Also, your wills can be written so that whatever is left in your estate after you are both gone will be left to charities.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)