DEAR ABBY: Our family recently went to visit my in-laws at their cottage. While we were there, the septic system stopped working and my mother-in-law, "Doris," suggested that my niece and I relieve ourselves behind the shed.

After I followed her suggestion, I noticed my father-in-law, "Ralph," standing not too far away watching me. I was shocked and offended, but didn't tell my husband until we left a few minutes later.

We have had a problem in the past with Ralph. Once when I was nursing, he sat close to me and stared at my chest. My husband said, "There's only enough room for one head, Dad." Immediately afterward, I spoke to Doris and the peeping stopped.

The nursing thing was weird, but this goes way beyond that. I like and respect Ralph for the most part, but I don't know what to do. We go to my in-laws' every other weekend. I can't go over there and pretend nothing happened.

My husband wants to talk to his father alone, but I feel Ralph needs to account to someone other than his son -- he should also account to Doris. Is this taking it too far? -- UPSET IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR UPSET: I don't think so. Your father-in-law appears to have a serious problem with "boundaries." He also appears to be a voyeur -- a Peeping Tom. Since "peepers" have been known to escalate their behavior, it should be called to Doris' attention before her husband gets himself arrested and has to register as a sex offender. Please don't wait. It is possible that you are not the only person Ralph has been watching.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Kent," and I have been married for seven years, and I'm facing a painful decision. Kent has a drug problem. I didn't know about his addiction until recently, when money started disappearing from our joint account.

Kent admitted to me that he's had a habit since before I met him. However, he doesn't consider it to be a "problem." He made it clear that he has no intention of quitting. And I made it clear that I don't want to be married to someone who's addicted to drugs.

I should probably leave him, but I love him too much -- and we have four precious children who love him, too. My husband rarely shows any signs of drug abuse; that's why I never had a clue until now.

To his credit, Kent is a great husband and father. Please help me decide what to do, Abby. I am against drug use, but I dearly love my husband. -- TORN IN SASKATCHEWAN

DEAR TORN: You already know what you have to do. Until your husband is willing to admit he has a problem, he cannot get the help that's available.

Kent should be encouraged to get into rehab and attend meetings of Narcotics Anonymous where other addicts have found new courage, strength and hope. Call telephone information for the local number.

The N.A. Web site offers meeting (and other) information: www.na.org; the e-mail address is nainfo(at)na.org; or write to N.A., P.O. Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409.

If your husband refuses help, separate your finances from his and get the children away from him before they get the impression that drug use is acceptable.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 15-year-old girl who is in ninth grade. She has been chatting with a man on the Internet for the last 10 months. He said he was a teenager. However, we have recently learned that he is 30-plus, married, and the father of a 4-year-old child. He says he is going to divorce his wife and marry my daughter.

We have tried to make her understand that this relationship won't work. She insists they are both waiting for her to turn 18 so they can be married.

My husband and I are devastated. Can you please make her understand the pros and cons? I'm begging with tears in my eyes. She won't listen to us. -- BROKENHEARTED MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Pick up the phone and inform the police that your underage daughter is being stalked by an Internet predator. He belongs in jail. And they can help to ensure that he winds up there. Pronto.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and used to be an outgoing, smart and attractive female. I planned to attend college, but I put it off because of a tight money situation at home.

After I turned 18, I began to have what I think are panic attacks. I don't sleep well and wake up during the night sweating and shaking. I'm nervous around people, short-tempered, can't make decisions, and I'm paranoid.

A few months ago, I told my mother that I think I need to see a doctor. She acted concerned, but never mentioned it again. I am getting worse every day. Some days I wish I would die. I know this isn't normal. What can I do? Whom do I see? -- BARELY HERE IN INDIANA

DEAR BARELY HERE: Your mother may have assumed that since you didn't mention it again that you were feeling better. It's time to pick up a phone and schedule a consultation with your doctor. You need a thorough physical examination and a psychological assessment. Please don't wait.

If you are not employed or do not have health insurance, you may qualify for Medicaid. Contact your state or county medical assistance office to see if you meet the eligibility requirements.

DEAR ABBY: My 85-year-old husband is a cash cow for charities. For years, he has given away all of his Social Security money to charitable causes. He says, "If I don't give, who will?" He says we "don't really need" the money. Abby, he gives away more than $15,000 a year!

I am 80. My blood pressure is going through the roof. We live on a fixed income, but he thinks since it's "his" money, he can give it away as he sees fit. He seems to be on everyone's list. He spreads the letters out in a semicircle around his chair every day and sends them all $50 checks! Help! -- GOING BROKE IN MARYLAND

DEAR G.B.: Talk to an accountant or a trusted lawyer and explain what's going on. Perhaps if he hears it from a professional, your husband will be more receptive to the message. If that fails, he may need a conservator.

Also, your wills can be written so that whatever is left in your estate after you are both gone will be left to charities.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a postal carrier. Today I left warnings in the mailboxes of six houses on my route because I found spiders inside. Three of the spiders were black widows. I know because I saw the red hourglass markings on them before they scurried to the back of the box.

Spiders love mailboxes. They nest and lay eggs there. I don't necessarily have to reach inside the boxes to deliver mail, but my customers always do in order to retrieve it.

People usually remember to spray their yards and garages for insects, but they tend to overlook the one place where they directly place their hands and arms.

Please warn your readers to take a minute to spray in, around and underneath their mailboxes -- especially if they see a cobweb. It could prevent suffering a poisonous bite or an allergic reaction, which, in some cases, could prove to be fatal. -- A LAS VEGAS MAIL CARRIER

DEAR MAIL CARRIER: Thank you for an important warning. I know Las Vegas is the gambling capital of the world, but no one should have to gamble when collecting the mail.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I divorced after 29 years. Both of us made a mess of our marriage. Three years of marriage counseling couldn't undo the infidelity and multiple personal problems we had accumulated. There is still a deep reservoir of hurt and anger over those years, but both of us have moved on with other relationships.

The problem is for the past 16 years, my daughter, "Lili," has lived with her mother, who apparently filled her head with all of my transgressions. Lili refuses to have anything to do with me. Nothing I did was any worse than what her mother did -- but, of course, Lili wasn't hearing that side of the story.

My sons and I get along well. They seem to understand that neither of their parents was an angel. They accept my ex and me, warts and all. Even though we live 3,000 miles apart, I send my daughter birthday cards, gifts for her birthday, Christmas and Valentine's Day, etc. She ignores me -- and the silence hurts.

I don't deserve this kind of treatment. Should I continue trying to reach out to her? Or should I just forget I have a daughter? Sixteen years of a one-way relationship is heartbreaking. -- IMPERFECT POP IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR POP: By not acknowledging your conciliatory gestures, your daughter is sending you a message. Accept it. I agree, 16 years of rejection is enough. Perhaps one day your daughter will get the full story from her brothers and come to understand the multiple reasons why you and your wife divorced. In the meantime, please don't set yourself up to be hurt again and again.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 30 years. My wife and I have not had sex for the past 20 of them. We have no children.

My wife does like undressing in front of me, but then she quickly covers herself. We are always friendly -- very friendly -- to each other. At night we sleep in the same bed, but we do not mention sex, and have not mentioned it for 20 years. Can you give me some advice? -- READER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR READER: Only this: Mention sex! Since you are on friendly terms, you are long overdue for a frank discussion regarding both of your feelings on this important subject. Perhaps she has been waiting for you to bring it up.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)