DEAR ABBY: The recent letter from the woman who was seated next to a man who talked on his cell phone all during her daughter's graduation ceremony leads me to relate my experience.

Recently, my college-aged daughter and I were in a grocery store. A woman was walking down the aisle with her cell phone stuck to her ear. She was gossiping in a loud voice and using first and last names.

After two aisles of this, my daughter said to the woman, "Excuse me. I KNOW so-and-so. Shall I tell her how you feel about what happened?" The woman was visibly flustered. She ended the call, telling her "cell mate" she'd call her when she got home.

After we left the store, I asked my daughter how she knew the person. My daughter said she didn't. But she wanted the woman to realize that she was being overheard saying hurtful things in a crowded place. My daughter's rule of thumb is to never use names in public because you never know who's listening. End of lesson from a 21-year-old. -- PROUD MOM IN WALLINGFORD, CONN.

DEAR MOM: Your daughter is on the right track, but here's my rule of thumb: Gossip is usually hurtful and always cowardly. Before saying anything in public or in private, people should ask themselves, "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?" If the answer is no -- don't say it. Period. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman whose graduation ceremony was ruined by a cosmically inconsiderate cell phone user reminded me of how I once dealt with someone of that ilk.

I used to commute by bus to work in Manhattan every day, and every morning a woman passenger behind me would crank up her phone and use it for intensely personal conversations.

One day, I turned around in my seat, faced her with my chin in my hands and listened raptly. She noticed immediately and said, rather tartly, "Excuse me. This is a private conversation!"

I replied, "No, it isn't, lady. They can hear you in Brooklyn." She signed off immediately. The phone went into her purse, where it remained until she got off at her stop.

Of course, some etiquette experts might not approve of my tactics, but sometimes when dealing with that degree of inconsideration, the only solution is to raise the bar. -- KEN IN LIVINGSTON, TEXAS

DEAR KEN: Funny -- but if I were you, I'd reserve that tactic only for extreme circumstances. People who fight fire with fire may end with more of a confrontation than they bargained for.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine recently visited a friend of hers in Palm Springs and attended church services with him.

During the service, a member of the congregation stood up, took a cell phone call at the back of the church and continued to converse during the sermon.

After the service, the pastor did a "meet and greet" at the front door. When the offender went to shake her hand, she said, "The Lord sent me a special message just for you. He says that you are to refrain from taking calls during the service. He recommends that you keep your cell phone in your car, and says he'll be happy to take any messages and save them on voicemail for you."

My friend said the person turned beet red -- and more than one person "got the message" that day because there have been no more cell phone calls in church. -- ALSO ANNOYED IN SALINAS, CALIF.

DEAR ALSO: Which proves that not all important messages have to be delivered from the pulpit -- or even from the great beyond -- in order to be universally heard.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was very close to my grandmother. My sister, "Julie," was not. Grandma had beautiful silverware that I used to help her polish when I was a child. She promised it to me. A couple of weeks before she died, she said that her silver should go to Julie. Grandma often mixed our names at the end, and I think she was confused about who was who. My mother disagreed; the silverware was given to Julie. A few years later, after she realized how much it meant to me, Julie gave me the silverware.

Recently, my father told me that because our family has had a run of bad luck, that Grandma was "cursing" us from the grave for disobeying her wishes. He has ordered me to give the silverware back to Julie. I think this is nonsense. To suggest that my sweet grandmother would send my 14-year-old nephew severe health problems from "beyond the grave" is a vile thing to say about a woman who loved us all very much.

I am scheduled for major surgery in a few weeks (further proof of the curse, according to Dad). Should I return the silverware to Julie, even though I don't believe in curses, or should I just ignore the "curse" and take the consequences?

Please don't tell me to see a priest. We're Jewish. -- "CURSED" IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR "CURSED": Curse, indeed! Call a rabbi and tell him or her what you have told me. There may be a blessing in Hebrew that can be recited that will put your father's superstitions to rest. However, the most precious legacy your grandmother bequeathed to her family is not her silver and china; it is the treasured memories of the good times you shared together. I hope that one day soon you will all enjoy a wonderful family dinner using Grandma's silverware.

DEAR ABBY: When you receive a gift on a special occasion and it's obvious that it's an envelope with a check inside, should the envelope be opened in front of the person or should it be tucked away to open privately?

I always worry that if I open the envelope in front of the giver, it's as though I am checking the amount. On the other hand, if I don't open it, it might appear that I think their gesture is insignificant. What do you think? -- NOT AN OPEN-OR-SHUT CASE

DEAR NOT: I see no reason not to open the envelope, and to thank the giver verbally on the spot. No mention of the dollar amount should be made unless there is no one else around to overhear. The amount is no one's business but yours. A written thank-you should also be sent to the giver -- preferably before the check clears.

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end with how to deal with my parents. I am 29 years old and live 1,500 miles away from them. If I don't call or talk to them every day, Dad will say something like, "Your mom missed hearing from you on Monday and Tuesday." This is after I have just told them about some event I attended on those nights.

I prefer to talk to them once over the weekend. There would be ample topics to cover, and I wouldn't feel so smothered. Why don't they understand this? I'm tired of feeling pressured to talk to them every single day. How can I politely tell them to ease off a bit? -- TALKED OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR TALKED OUT: Understand that you can't change your parents. Their problem is you have been the sole focus of their lives for so long, they are having a hard time letting go. That said, you must change the way you react to their pressure tactics. The next time you talk to them, be firm, upbeat and direct. Sign off by saying, "Bye! I'll talk to you next Sunday."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest your suggestions to "Young Lady Who Needs to Know in Memphis," who asked what important questions should be asked before marriage to ensure a happy union. You listed such subjects as monogamy, emotional and financial independence, child-rearing and discipline, compatible career goals, sex, religion and politics.

I agree with those recommendations, but I think someone should ask: Have you had previous sexual experience?

If the answer is no, this is important information. If the answer is yes, further discussion regarding safe sex, HIV testing, birth control, etc., should ensue, which may also prompt another important question: "Have YOU?" -- M.D. IN HILLSBOROUGH, CALIF.

DEAR DOCTOR: If the couple does not already know that information, I agree, that is another important question. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a pastor who regularly provides premarital counseling to couples who are considering marriage, I would like to say that the "questions" you ask each other are not so important. It's how you LISTEN to each other and the ways in which you communicate your opinions, philosophies and feelings for each other that are most important.

Most often it's not the subject that causes disagreements in marriages, although the issues are always blamed as the cause for the disagreements. Rather, it is the lack of ability to openly and honestly communicate about a variety of subjects, and the inability or unwillingness to really listen and hear each other that causes marital discord.

May God continue to bless your ministry, Abby. -- REV. ANN T. FEW, NEW HOLLAND, PA.

DEAR ANN: Thank you for your kind words. Readers, listen up! There is much wisdom in the reverend's letter.

DEAR ABBY: Having been through one divorce and, fortunately, a much happier second marriage, I would like to share some thoughts on another topic that should be addressed before marriage.

It is: How does he or she and his or her family spend each and every holiday and birthday? This is something that will affect you for the rest of your life. -- HAPPILY REMARRIED IN OREGON

DEAR REMARRIED: That's another good one.

DEAR ABBY: You omitted some important questions from your list. May I add a few?

Have you or anyone in your family suffered from mental illness? Borderline personality disorder? Addictions? Trouble with the law? And most important -- do you get along with his or her mother? -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR B.T., D.T. IN S.D.: I agree. Asking about skeletons in the closet would be wise. At that point, both parties should be prepared to "shake the family tree."

DEAR ABBY: I have been a family mediator for more than 20 years. The one topic I would rank near the top of the list of questions that should be discussed is financial compatibility.

Disagreements over financial matters rank as one of the most frequent causes of divorce. If more couples had a mutual understanding of how they plan to earn, save and spend money, it would go a long way in reducing the divorce rate. -- SHIRLEY P. SEYMOUR, ESQ., POTOMAC, MD.

DEAR SHIRLEY: Right. Mutual goals go a long way toward keeping a couple together.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)