DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married several weeks ago in a beautiful, reverent, Christian ceremony. Our reception, held in an upscale restaurant, was designed to be both fun and tasteful. Everything from the dance music to the cake-cutting was planned to represent the love and respect we had for each other on our first day of wedded life.

That spirit was shattered by "Simone," my husband's brother's girlfriend. She took over our reception. Her shrill voice screamed at least 50 times for my husband and me to kiss and smear cake in each other's faces. She drank champagne straight from the bottle. She showed our guests X-rated photographs of her unmarried daughter's natural childbirth. She performed a "striptease" by whipping her skirt over her head and gyrating against other guests in a practically nonexistent thong. We didn't realize the extent of her misbehavior until we returned from our honeymoon and saw the video. The expression on the faces of our guests is horrified, and she dominates every scene.

Simone will no doubt be a permanent fixture in my husband's family. I do not want to cause a rift, but that vulgar woman ruined my wedding. I don't know how I'll control my feelings the next time Simone and I are thrown together. How would you handle this? -- MORTIFIED BRIDE IN NEW YORK

DEAR MORTIFIED BRIDE: I'd keep uppermost in mind that Simone may have a drinking problem that causes her lapses in judgment once she's had a few. I'd say this plainly to your new brother-in-law as I handed him a copy of the video. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. And this is one of them.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old single working woman, and I'm in love with an older married man in my office. This has gone on for about two years.

I have never acted on my feelings, and I never would. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his marriage and have never told him how I feel. However, a little incident recently made it pretty clear he feels the same way I do.

No, it's not what you're thinking. We simply shared a "moment" (corny as it sounds). It was like in the movies when the music soars, the man and woman suddenly lock eyes and slowly move in for "the kiss." In fact, that's exactly what happened -- but I pulled away.

I don't know why I hesitated. I have fantasized about that moment for the longest time. But when it finally happened, I couldn't go through with it.

Now when I see him, I ache inside. It's a different kind of pain than anything I've ever experienced. I desperately need your help. I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I'm afraid if I'm ever again in a position to kiss him, I might just do it, and I'm afraid of where it would lead. Any advice? -- ACHING AND ANXIOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ACHING AND ANXIOUS: You appear to be a sensible and honorable woman. You and I both know you and this man are swimming in dangerous waters. The wisest thing you can do is to remove yourself from any situation that could tempt you both and cause future pain, embarrassment or regret. If that means a change of employment, so be it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 20s. I declared bankruptcy last year. What led to this decision wasn't so much irresponsibility as it was circumstances beyond my control.

A few months ago, I met a wonderful man I'll call Andrew. We've grown attracted to each other. Andrew has begun talking about seeing me on an exclusive basis. I am extremely nervous about the prospect, primarily because Andrew is a financial adviser. Up until now, I saw no reason to divulge my bankruptcy. However, if we are beginning a long-term relationship, what's the best way to go about it?

I don't want him to feel I've been hiding something all this time, and I don't want him to think I'm using him for his financial expertise. I'm quite independent, have a stable job that I love and am now managing on my own. Any ideas? -- "INVESTING 101" IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR INVESTING: Say it this way: "Andrew, there is something I need to tell you. It's something I'm not proud of, so I have been hesitant to disclose it to anyone. Last year I had to file bankruptcy, and this is why." Then explain the situation.

Tell him how special you think he is and that you are getting back on your feet without any outside assistance. His response will give you an indication of the depth of his feelings for you.

DEAR ABBY: I am confused. I have been through four bad marriages and wound up in domestic abuse shelters because all my husbands verbally and physically attacked me.

Six months ago, I met "Mike," and we moved in together. He is very kind, gentle and loving most of the time, but sometimes Mike gets into these moods and makes me feel awful. He'll compare me to his former girlfriends and say I can't do anything right. He also makes fun of the fact that I am seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist and taking medication. He says it proves that I am crazy!

Mike won't get help for himself even though I know he needs it, so I have started sneaking antidepressants in with his daily vitamins. It has made some difference in his mood. I know I shouldn't do it, but I am desperate. Any advice? -- LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOOKING: Yes. Admit you have drawn five losing cards in a row, and drop out of the romance game for a while. Discuss with your therapist why you are repeatedly attracted to men who are not good for you. And get out now before the abuse escalates again.

Depression is not the problem with abusive people. Abusers use abuse as a method to control their partners.

P.S. It is dangerous to give medications -- particularly mood-altering drugs -- to people for whom they have not been prescribed. Please call a halt to it now.

DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday, my husband and I attended church in a city where we had lived before our retirement. As we left the chapel, I had a physically painful experience that has happened many times before -- and I hope you'll spread the message.

When anyone shakes hands with an elderly person, PLEASE DO SO GENTLY. Many of us have arthritic hands, and a powerful handshake can be excruciating. I appreciated a strong handshake when I was young, but now it can be torture. Thanks, Abby. -- SENIOR IN SOUTH PASADENA, CALIF.

DEAR SENIOR: A handshake should be firm without being a bone-crusher. Younger people can also have arthritic hands. I'm pleased you wrote to air your complaint. It's a valid one. A word to the wise ...

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have saved for two years to take my children -- ages 7, 11 and 13 -- on a dream vacation. My kids have never been on a plane, and they are very excited about the prospect.

The problem is my fiance, "Drew." He wants to come with us. However, he has just admitted to me that he is deathly afraid of flying. He wants us to change our plans and drive instead. It would require an 18-hour drive each way.

The kids will be very disappointed if they have to give up their first flight, and we'd all be miserable spending that much time confined in a car. We'd be tired before we arrived, and worst of all, four days of our one-week vacation would be spent in transit.

I have offered to pay for Drew's gas or train ticket so he can meet us there. I even found the name of a psychologist who specializes in phobias, but Drew won't fly, take a train or see a "shrink."

Drew claims if I "really loved him," I would accept him, fears and all, and return the plane tickets. He also says if we go without him, the engagement is over.

I understand that Drew's fears are very real, and I am sympathetic to his problem. However, I feel it is unreasonable for him to expect us to make such a drastic change of plans to accommodate him -- especially since we are leaving in less than a month.

Am I unsympathetic? -- TRYING TO BE REASONABLE IN RALEIGH

DEAR TRYING: I don't think so. You made an important promise to your children, and it should be kept. A mature individual would understand that and not twist your arm with an ultimatum.

If I were you, I'd take the children on that trip and let the chips fall where they may. Your fiance appears to be controlling and self-centered. He does not have your children's best interests at heart, and his attempts to control you and them show what kind of stepfather he will be. Please think twice about tying the knot with Drew.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Roger," conducts business for his second job -- real estate -- every day on company time. Everyone in the office can hear him "selling" on the phone.

My office mates and I find Roger's real estate paperwork scattered all over the place -- left in the copier or fax machine, even in the lunchroom. He is constantly surfing the Internet looking at houses.

Roger is a nice person with a sweet wife and three little kids. However, my office mates and I see the side of him that is without morals.

I, for one, don't know how to treat him. All employees sign a "code of conduct" each year in order to continue working for our company. The document clearly states that employees are to report anyone conducting outside or personal business on company time.

I am torn about what to do. I don't want to ruin this man's career, but I feel I have broken a pledge by not reporting him. What's the answer, Abby? -- WORKING WITH A CHEAT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WORKING: The person in the office who is closest to Roger should have a heart-to-heart with him, conveying the sentiments of the rest of the employees. If that doesn't do the trick, then all of Roger's co-workers -- including you -- should sign a letter to the bosses informing them about the breach in company policy. The names should be listed in alphabetical order.

Rogers' behavior is not only dishonest, but it also undermines office morale. A warning from his supervisor may teach him a lesson and get him to shape up. If he's lucky, he won't be dismissed.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)