DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 20s. I declared bankruptcy last year. What led to this decision wasn't so much irresponsibility as it was circumstances beyond my control.

A few months ago, I met a wonderful man I'll call Andrew. We've grown attracted to each other. Andrew has begun talking about seeing me on an exclusive basis. I am extremely nervous about the prospect, primarily because Andrew is a financial adviser. Up until now, I saw no reason to divulge my bankruptcy. However, if we are beginning a long-term relationship, what's the best way to go about it?

I don't want him to feel I've been hiding something all this time, and I don't want him to think I'm using him for his financial expertise. I'm quite independent, have a stable job that I love and am now managing on my own. Any ideas? -- "INVESTING 101" IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR INVESTING: Say it this way: "Andrew, there is something I need to tell you. It's something I'm not proud of, so I have been hesitant to disclose it to anyone. Last year I had to file bankruptcy, and this is why." Then explain the situation.

Tell him how special you think he is and that you are getting back on your feet without any outside assistance. His response will give you an indication of the depth of his feelings for you.

DEAR ABBY: I am confused. I have been through four bad marriages and wound up in domestic abuse shelters because all my husbands verbally and physically attacked me.

Six months ago, I met "Mike," and we moved in together. He is very kind, gentle and loving most of the time, but sometimes Mike gets into these moods and makes me feel awful. He'll compare me to his former girlfriends and say I can't do anything right. He also makes fun of the fact that I am seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist and taking medication. He says it proves that I am crazy!

Mike won't get help for himself even though I know he needs it, so I have started sneaking antidepressants in with his daily vitamins. It has made some difference in his mood. I know I shouldn't do it, but I am desperate. Any advice? -- LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOOKING: Yes. Admit you have drawn five losing cards in a row, and drop out of the romance game for a while. Discuss with your therapist why you are repeatedly attracted to men who are not good for you. And get out now before the abuse escalates again.

Depression is not the problem with abusive people. Abusers use abuse as a method to control their partners.

P.S. It is dangerous to give medications -- particularly mood-altering drugs -- to people for whom they have not been prescribed. Please call a halt to it now.

DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday, my husband and I attended church in a city where we had lived before our retirement. As we left the chapel, I had a physically painful experience that has happened many times before -- and I hope you'll spread the message.

When anyone shakes hands with an elderly person, PLEASE DO SO GENTLY. Many of us have arthritic hands, and a powerful handshake can be excruciating. I appreciated a strong handshake when I was young, but now it can be torture. Thanks, Abby. -- SENIOR IN SOUTH PASADENA, CALIF.

DEAR SENIOR: A handshake should be firm without being a bone-crusher. Younger people can also have arthritic hands. I'm pleased you wrote to air your complaint. It's a valid one. A word to the wise ...

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have saved for two years to take my children -- ages 7, 11 and 13 -- on a dream vacation. My kids have never been on a plane, and they are very excited about the prospect.

The problem is my fiance, "Drew." He wants to come with us. However, he has just admitted to me that he is deathly afraid of flying. He wants us to change our plans and drive instead. It would require an 18-hour drive each way.

The kids will be very disappointed if they have to give up their first flight, and we'd all be miserable spending that much time confined in a car. We'd be tired before we arrived, and worst of all, four days of our one-week vacation would be spent in transit.

I have offered to pay for Drew's gas or train ticket so he can meet us there. I even found the name of a psychologist who specializes in phobias, but Drew won't fly, take a train or see a "shrink."

Drew claims if I "really loved him," I would accept him, fears and all, and return the plane tickets. He also says if we go without him, the engagement is over.

I understand that Drew's fears are very real, and I am sympathetic to his problem. However, I feel it is unreasonable for him to expect us to make such a drastic change of plans to accommodate him -- especially since we are leaving in less than a month.

Am I unsympathetic? -- TRYING TO BE REASONABLE IN RALEIGH

DEAR TRYING: I don't think so. You made an important promise to your children, and it should be kept. A mature individual would understand that and not twist your arm with an ultimatum.

If I were you, I'd take the children on that trip and let the chips fall where they may. Your fiance appears to be controlling and self-centered. He does not have your children's best interests at heart, and his attempts to control you and them show what kind of stepfather he will be. Please think twice about tying the knot with Drew.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Roger," conducts business for his second job -- real estate -- every day on company time. Everyone in the office can hear him "selling" on the phone.

My office mates and I find Roger's real estate paperwork scattered all over the place -- left in the copier or fax machine, even in the lunchroom. He is constantly surfing the Internet looking at houses.

Roger is a nice person with a sweet wife and three little kids. However, my office mates and I see the side of him that is without morals.

I, for one, don't know how to treat him. All employees sign a "code of conduct" each year in order to continue working for our company. The document clearly states that employees are to report anyone conducting outside or personal business on company time.

I am torn about what to do. I don't want to ruin this man's career, but I feel I have broken a pledge by not reporting him. What's the answer, Abby? -- WORKING WITH A CHEAT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WORKING: The person in the office who is closest to Roger should have a heart-to-heart with him, conveying the sentiments of the rest of the employees. If that doesn't do the trick, then all of Roger's co-workers -- including you -- should sign a letter to the bosses informing them about the breach in company policy. The names should be listed in alphabetical order.

Rogers' behavior is not only dishonest, but it also undermines office morale. A warning from his supervisor may teach him a lesson and get him to shape up. If he's lucky, he won't be dismissed.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old mother of two. Until two months ago, I was happily married. During his last overseas tour, my husband contracted herpes-2. He claims he was under the influence and the woman took "unfair" advantage of him.

I don't know if I'm more upset that he wasn't capable of controlling the situation, or the fact he had unprotected sex with a stranger and then with me. I feel robbed, not only of my trust and the sanctity of our marriage, but also of my dignity, my self-image and my future.

I have decided to stay in this marriage. How could anyone else love me if he knew? I have drilled my husband with accusations and questions. How can we put this behind us and have a happy marriage again? Every time I have an outbreak, I'm reminded of what he did to us. Now, because I loved and trusted my husband, I must live with this for the rest of my life. Can you help me to heal my heart -- or should I just leave? -- CAN'T FORGET

DEAR CAN'T FORGET: According to the American Social Health Association (ASHA), more than one in five Americans over the age of 12 are infected with herpes-2.

Although you may feel isolated in having this problem, nothing could be further from the truth. ASHA has a wealth of information available on this subject, and support groups as well. Please call the National Herpes Hotline for information and referrals in your area. It operates from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. (EST). The number is (919) 361-8488. The Web site is www.ashastd.org.

I sincerely hope you and your husband can overcome this marital crisis. But if the only reason you're staying in your marriage is that you think no one else would want you because you have herpes, that's the wrong reason for staying.

Marriage counseling would be very helpful to you and your spouse. He behaved irresponsibly, but it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Other marriages have survived this. With work and forgiveness on both of your parts, yours might, too.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-80s, and recently a family member died. When I read his obituary in the newspaper I was amazed at how much I learned about him. I later was told he had written his own obituary. No other family member could have recalled all the relevant facts regarding his life.

My wife -- very delicately -- asked my opinion about writing your own obituary. At first I was taken aback. But after thinking it over, I told her I felt it was an important thing to do. Most of us have prepared our trusts and wills to distribute our estates after we're gone -- and that is not upsetting to us.

Abby, what do you think about people writing their own obituaries? -- MURRAY IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR MURRAY: I can't think of a better way for people to "maximize their positives" and "minimize their negatives." Not only that, but a person then has the rest of his or her lifetime to polish, edit and update the document. Talk about the ultimate opportunity for creative writing! (And you have the last word.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm curious, are there any statistics on the success rate of couples who have been divorced and remarried the same spouse? My ex-husband and I are getting reacquainted. We were married for 20 years and have been divorced for two. We have both changed, but I'm nervous about the prospect of returning to what I worked so hard to escape. What do you think? -- UNCERTAIN IN COLORADO

DEAR UNCERTAIN: I don't have the statistics, but I'll ask my readers if their remarriages have worked. Readers?

P.S. Unless you and your former husband have extensive premarital counseling to ensure that the issues that drove you apart have been resolved, I'd advise against it.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)